I hate emails that get forwarded around on the net. To me... they're mostly just a waste of time.

But my wife asked me to read this one over her shoulder tonight. It was so funny... thought I'd share it here in the "Off Topic" section. Hope it gives you a laugh.


------------------------------------------------------

WINTER CLASSES FOR MEN AT
THE LEARNING CENTER FOR ADULTS

REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED BY Monday, Feb. 27, 2006

!

NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL

OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM.



Class 1

How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays --- Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.

Meets! 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.


Class 2

The Toilet Paper Roll --- Does It Change Itself?

Round Table Discussion.

Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.


Class 3

Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat and

Avoiding The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub? --- Group Practice.

Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.


!

Class 4

Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The Floor ---

Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.

Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.


Class 5

After Dinner Dishes --- Can They Levitate and Fly Into The! Kitchen Sink?

Examples on Video.

Me! ets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning

at 7:00 PM


Class 6

Loss Of Identity --- Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other.

Help Line Support and Support Groups.

Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM


Class 7

Learning How To Find Things --- Starting With Looking In The Right Places

And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming.

Open Forum .

Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.


Class 8

Health Watch --- Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health.

Graphics and Audio Tapes.

Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.


Class 9

Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost --- Real Life ! Testimonials.

Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.


Class 10

Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks?

Driving Simulations.

4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.


Class 11

Learning to Live --- Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife.

Online Classes and rol! e-playing .

Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined


Class 12

How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion

Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques.

Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.


Class 13

How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy --- Remembering Bir thdays, Anniversaries and Other Important Dates and Calling When You're Going To Be Late.

Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.

Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.



Class 14

The Stove/Oven --- What It Is and How It Is Used.

Live Demonstration.

Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.


Upon completion of any of the above courses,

diplomas will be issued to the survivors.

Send this to all the guys that you think can stand the heat, and to all the ladies for

the best chuckle of their day!

Well, nobody's perfect.

John

Hahaha!

My wife and I discussed the toilet seat issue for the first time in our 13 years of marriage.

In all my years I thought I had gotten away with this one battle that hinders many a marriage, . . . but no! . . .

When I heard, "why can't you put the seat down after using it?"

My reply was, "why can't you lift it up after you use it?"

"Why must a man do all the work?"

Well, I guess you know who won this battle . . .

. . . what the h*ll ever happened to the "sexual equality" debate . . . sheesh!!

I just got this from my brother. Thought you would enjoy it!

John

The Guys' Rules
> >
> > At last a guy has taken the time to write this all
> down
> >
> > Finally, the guys' side of the story.
> > (I must admit, it's pretty good.)
> >
> >
> > We always hear "the rules"
> > from the female side.
> > Now here are the rules from the male side.
> > These are our rules!
> > Please note... these are all numbered "1"
> > ON PURPOSE!
> >
> > 1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
> > You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
> > We need it up, you need it down.
> > You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it
> down.
> >
> > 1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the
> changing of the
> > tides.
> > Let it be.
> >
> > 1. Shopping is NOT a sport.
> > And no, we are never going to think of it that
> way.
> >
> > 1. Crying is blackmail.
> >
> > 1. Ask for what you want.
> > Let us be clear on this one:
> > Subtle hints do not work!
> > Strong hints do not work!
> > Obvious hints do not work!
> > Just say it!
> >
> > 1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to
> almost every
> > question.
> >
> > 1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help
> solving it. That's
> > what we do.
> > Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
> >
> > 1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a
> problem.
> > See a doctor.
> >
> > 1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible
> in an argument. In
> > fact, all comments become null and void after 7
> days.
> >
> > 1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
> > Don't ask us.
> >
> > 1. If something we said can be interpreted two
> ways
> > and one of the ways makes you sad or angry,
> > we meant the other one .
> >
> > 1. You can either ask us to do something
> > or tell us how you want it done.
> > Not both.
> > If you already know best how to do it, just do it
> yourself.
> >
> > 1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have
> to say during
> > commercials.
> >
> > 1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions
> and neither do we.
> >
> > 1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows
> default settings.
> > Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color.
> Pumpkin is also a fruit.
> > We have no idea what mauve is.
> >
> > 1. If it itches, it will be scratched.
> > We do that.
> >
> > 1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing,"
> > we will act like nothing's wrong.
> > We know you are lying, but it is just not worth
> the hassle.
> >
> > 1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer
> to,
> > expect an answer you don't want to hear.
> >
> > 1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely
> anything you wear is
> > fine... Really.
> >
> > 1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless
> you are prepared to
> > discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun
> formation, or monster
> > trucks.
> >
> > 1. You have enough clothes.
> >
> > 1. You have too many shoes.
> >
> > 1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.
> >
> > 1. Thank you for reading this.
> > Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;
> but did you know
> > men really don't mind that? It's like camping.
> >
> > Pass this to as many men as you can - to give them
> a laugh.
> > Pass this to as many women as you can - to give
> them a bigger laugh!!
> >
> >

very cool...

used my snazzy program to strip the fwd > out...

The Guys' Rules

At last a guy has taken the time to write this all
down

Finally, the guys' side of the story.
(I must admit, it's pretty good.)


We always hear "the rules"
from the female side.
Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules!
Please note... these are all numbered "1"
ON PURPOSE!

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it
down.

1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the
changing of the
tides.
Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport.
And no, we are never going to think of it that
way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to
almost every
question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help
solving it. That's
what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a
problem.
See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible
in an argument. In
fact, all comments become null and void after 7
days.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two
ways
and one of the ways makes you sad or angry,
we meant the other one .

1. You can either ask us to do something
or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it
yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have
to say during
commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions
and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows
default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color.
Pumpkin is also a fruit.
We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched.
We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing,"
we will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth
the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer
to,
expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely
anything you wear is
fine... Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless
you are prepared to
discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun
formation, or monster
trucks.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.

1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;
but did you know
men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

Pass this to as many men as you can - to give them
a laugh.
Pass this to as many women as you can - to give
them a bigger laugh!!

As long as we're forwarding this stuff...here's one I got yesterday.

A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband.

Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates.


You may visit the store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights.

There is, however, a catch: you may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.

On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men have jobs.

The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.

The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking.

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads: Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead good looking and help with the housework.

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads: Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.
Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

A new wives store opened across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money.

The third through sixth floors have never been visited.