Removed at advertiser's requst. If anyone would like the link, just PM me. Thanks for the help.

Nice first attempt. It needs to be gone through a couple more times. Look for places to pull out words or entire sentences and still keep the point you're trying to convey.

1. The whole joke concept is dangerous. Your communication comes across like you don't give a sh**. How can you expect the reader to care?

2. The leading ...... in paragraphs seem distracting.

3. Too many "If". You should know what they want and are going to do. You're leading them down a path. You wouldn't be on a hike and stop every 10 feet to ask your hiking buddies if they want to keep going would you? As the guide would it be a good idea to come to a fork in the path and ask the most novice in the group which way you all should go? It doesn't help their confidence in you nor your standing as the adult, as JC might say.

4. Lose as many "But" words as you possibly can. You've got ~23 of them. It's a word that negates the previous statement. Not a good idea in copy. Almost every but can be changed to and. That's a switch from negation to addition, much better.

5. The line where you say the made a lot of money for clients in relatively so little time, relative to what? Drop the word or explain it.

6. "If you're thinking of making a significant investment, you have a mass of decisions to make." This sounds scary. It can't be frightening or sound like work. Besides, they only have one decision to make, whether to get a consultation. Don't overwhelm them. Remember, you're talking to 4th graders.

I really think you need to keep rewriting this and consider a style that isn't so much the reluctant writer but rather a satisfied customer, you did use their services right?

Keep writing, good start. Cheers.

Thanks for the tips guys. Much to think about.

Hi there,

A good try. You've obviously put a lot of work into this. But, since you've had the guts to ask for feedback, I'm going to give you what I think. I hope there's a lot you can use here to keep getting it better.

I havent prettied up my thoughts, just put them down as they came to me.

Here goes:

There are two big benefits. One is the consultation, the other is the triple guarantee.
At least one of these should be the focus of the headline.

Opening is weak. Headline can be much stronger. Should be centred and a bigger font. Possibly red. Get it up higher in the page.

Don’t tell me how the consultation works too early. You have to grab them early. Either with incredible benefits, or start by agitating the pain, then show them the dream. Don’t take the joke angle. Your letter takes a while to get going. Have a look at Real Estate Investment and Real Estate Investing Secrets Revealed

Junk it up. Bold, underlines, italics, highlights. Maybe even some “hand-written” start and arrows.

You need to PROVE to me that investing in property works. You don’t do that. People hear everything about a recession coming and house prices falling. You need to tackle this HEAD-ON. What about rising interest rates? Wont they hurt me? These types of issues are there anyway, and they’re in the mind of the reader. They’re like the elephant in the room. You know its there, and I know its there. But if you pretend its not then you wont have any hope of convincing me. You have to tackle these issues head on, since they’re the dominant thoughts of your prospect. Fail to do this, and you’ll fail to change people’s minds about these issues, which means they wont take any action with you.

It also lacks testimonials. You probably know this already.

The guarantee needs work as well. You’ve hidden it away on another page, whereas it should be very prominent on the main page. Also, its kind of hard to work out what its saying exactly. You need to make it very specific. Each part of it should have its own sub-heading which explains clearly what it is. I don’t understand what you mean by pay me for my time. Keep it simple eg if I don’t do xyz, then I will write you out a cheque for $300 on the spot.

Bullets:
Don’t say “what to expect”. Promise that they’ll get it.
Build your bullets up more, by saying “so what?” to each one. Eg the first one:
“discuss your present and future financial needs and goals, so that you can take immediate steps to secure your future” might become:
“discuss your present and future financial needs and goals, so that you can take immediate steps to secure your future, stop worrying about your retirement and start living the life you’ve always dreamed of”

The whole letter really does need a rewrite. I suggest you look at the suggested website above, and go have a look at some other great websites to get a feel for the structure and writing style. You should write it just like you'd say it to the prospect. Imagine they were a real person right in front of you. What would you say, and how would you say it?

Someone should collect all Mr Subtles posts and make a book. I'd buy it!