I just upload a sales page thats not converting too well.

please help criticize professionaly
Prevent Yourself Against The Killers

Hi, I dont think design has to be 10 out of 10 on a direct response site, but you have got to do better than that to build a semblance of credibility. Also, who is the letter from...

As Gary Bencivenga says, make a freind before you make the sale....Or at least mention who it's from and build up there credentials to provide weight to everything else.

Otherwise it just comes across as something that an amateur has whipped up in there garage! Which may be true, and thats fine, but you dont want it to appear that way!

Also, testimonials and social proof is totally missing. With out that it just falls into the sad chasm of 'meaningless words'.

Hope that helps

John

I have to agree with John. But the layout is the least of your problems.

The copy fails to connect with the reader at any point, and just doesn't convey any credibility whatsoever. Who wrote this ebook? What are his credentials? What's the story behind this book being written?

John's right on about the lack of testimonials or proof elements, and that it needs to be a personal message from a real person.

The copy (and the story you quote) comes across as an obvious manipulative ploy. Good copy is not about "manipulating," but about "motivating."

The headline lacks credibility. The number may be a true figure, but the way it's presented just doesn't convey any believability.

I could go on... but your best bet is scrap this and start over. You'll be better off modeling--NOT copying--a good sales letter that sells a similar product.

In the meantime, read Dan Kennedy's "Ultimate Sales Letter," or Vitale's "Hypnotic Writing." Or buy a copywriting course. John Carlton, Dan Kennedy, and AWAI have good ones.

Good luck!

Holy cow, dude--you've got to format that better or no one will take you seriously. A 600-800 pixel wide, centered letter format works well. Most people choose the 600 pixel choice.

Okay, now that that's been said, the copy does need improvement. Your headline doesn't make sense. How can reading a preventive measure save a life? I get what you mean but the headline just doesn't cut it.

As for the rest of your letter, I think you need to go and read some competitors websites that are doing well. Study how they write their letters. Hand write the ones that really compel you to buy. You'll then start to get a feel for how the letter should go.

The go back and write a sales letter for your product and I guarantee it'll be 1000% better than the one you have.

The bottom line is your current letter won't make you money.

I commend your boldness and willingness to take a stab at sales copy. Don't give up.

1. I agree with nearly all the points made above. The best solution may be to scrap this one and start over. Funny that I'm currently watching California's Gold episode "Ships In A Bottle." They showed a man in the bottle, a ship outside the bottle opening. The man is trying to pull a ship into the bottle. That may be a metaphor for this letter. Or maybe not.

2. Since you have no problem scaring the bejesus out of people you may not have too much trouble rescuing this letter. Look for ways to keep the good info and benefits and weave them into a great pitch.

3. Headline. If you really want to make a bold statement that you can't prove then I'd at least reword it to say that 32M people died and may have been saved if they had the information in the ebook. I'm not sure even that saves it but maybe you'll get inspired to find a better headline.

4. The subhead is even more unbelievable. Balance honesty with shock and awe.

5. The third subhead also should start with "I".

6. Instead of a calling the man "Careless" which is a negative statement, go for the sympathetic gesture like, "His needless loss may have been avoided." Or something like that.

7. Lot's of grammar errors like "...go for medical checkup..." to "...go for a medical checkup..." and "...65% of last year casualties..." to "...65% of last year's casualties..."

8. I like your last bullet point. It could be a subhead. e.g. "How to get quick symptom relief before seeing the doctor." This is because most people know even if you're bleeding all over the place you'll still sit in the waiting room for 45 minutes.

So, believability as others have said, benefits, grammar are really needed here. I wish you the best. Cheers.