Dear XYZ,

At Marathon, we always believe in the customer's delight and to go a step ahead of the customer's expectations. We also believe in the simplest law of nature – what you sow today is what you reap tomorrow. We wanted to share this news of an excellent investment opportunity, which will yield great returns with our family members first (before it goes out in the market).

We are glad to present you these two commercial properties – Marathon Vastu and Marathon Corner in the upcoming suburb of Airoli. Just a stone's throw away from the station, no doubt these properties will make your coffer over flow with profit (and your bank might need to arrange a special room for your coffers). This is an immense opportunity for immediate results, you can even lease out the spaces to entrepreneurial businesses, gymnasiums, hospitals, banks and clinics.

India Real Estate Investment has proven to be the highest yielding investment opportunity in the recent few years. The realty industry in India is at its zenith. To grab the lion's share call us now at XXXX, because within a blink of an eye this opportunity might slip out of your hands.

Regards,


Kindly give me your views on this sales letter honestly, waiting for constructive feedback.

First thing I would fix. Too much "we" phrases. Write to your audience. Quick copy tip, go through you sales letter and turn all your 'I' and 'we' statements to 'you' and 'your' statements. Write to their benefit, not what you do.

Jasmeet,

This is a huge investment, so it warrants a letter with much more detail and explanation, as well as more proof that it is a good investment.

I'm assuming you're an employee of Marathon. So you should be able to provide considerably more information about this opportunity.

The headline doesn't really say anything. If there is a compelling reason to invest in this particular piece of real estate, say so in the headline.

And Travis is right, you're writing about Marathon, not about your prospects.

Also, you say you are sending it to your customers first, but you don't tell them when the offer will be going out to the general public. You should definitely tell them that, as it provides a limit as to how long this offer will be available only to them. That can spur people to take action before that date.

I hope this is helpful.

Janet

Here are the tough questions you are not answering in your paragraphs.

Paragraph 1: You...you...you. What about me? I'm really only interested in myself. And why are you bothering me? Is there some benefit for me in reading this? Finally, great returns? Tell me more about this promise of great returns, because I didn't really care much about that other stuff before.

Paragraph 2: Of course you're glad to present this to me, but how exactly will I benefit? Any proof? You want my money and the best thing you can tell me about this land is that it's a "stone's throw" from "the station"? Of course you SAY I can lease this land out to other businesses, but I could say the same about some remote desert land in Nevada. Show me the proof!

Paragraph 3: Of course YOU say that this opportunity is great. But WHO ELSE says so? Maybe I don't believe you yet. Perhaps if some other people agree with you, I'll be convinced. Have any testimonials?


I hope this helps, it also reads as if English is not your primary language perhaps. Good luck.