Hi copywriters,

This is my first post here, and I'm hoping for some tough love from you guys.

I'm working with a business coach in Sydney, Australia who wants to fill a small seminar.

Here's the back story: it's a host/ben workshop. His client will invite their customers to the seminar free as a value-add, and introduce them to the coach.

They work in the automotive industry, are almost all men, and are very blue collar (so swearing is OK?)

Anyway, You can see the letter here and I would LOVE some good honest feedback. Please tell me what you like, what you don't and what you'd change.

Give it to me straight, I can take it

Thanks so much, I'm so glad to have you on my 'team'

Hear from you soon?

Taki

Intriguing general approach. I would suggest you can keep the speaker "Mr X" a secret. You can keep certain seminar details a secret.

I'm skeptical about keeping everything a secret.

Right now the letter is rather information poor. You do go into a little detail, finally, in paragraph 9 "He'll show you." But it's still hide-and-seek.

This aside from the fact I feel employees "..that arrive early and stay late" are probably the ones you want to fire.

And introducing bits of unconventional wisdom is something which 1) Gives your mystery expert something to "Kick you in your assumptions" about. 2) Explains there is something the reader might not be doing that you are. And I would guess "working harder, not smarter" isn't exactly unconventional wisdom, nor is there a particularly big market for it.

In all the letter doesn't support the headline. You don't have to say who the person is, but you don't go into anything which makes this guy "tough" or "a bastard." You're not using this in your letter ...at all.

My suggestion is you're missing an opportunity to increase the credibility of the offer. You want to "warn" the reader, with a qualifying challenge. Think of the form "If you can bag your own groceries, then you can save 18% on your food bills."

In this case "If you can ....put up with [fill in the blank], you can increase profits dramatically." Where you fill in exactly what makes this expert a tough bastard.

You should also go into a backgrounder. Explain this guy turned around this business which had that specific problem the reader might have.

...it all just felt a little “sleepy” isn't a specific problem motivating people to go to a seminar.

If you haven't positioned the speaker's toughness as a clear business advantage, the reader impression it's generic business advice from someone who's nasty. It's toughness without a reason.

What this all boils down to is there is no detail or information in it. You start off with a promising theme "tough bastard," never to use it again in the letter. The reader has to be told why this guy has faced a lot of tough challenges, in a variety of businesses, with specific solutions. And will be talking about specific solutions to painful business problems.

The letter therefore fails the "so what" test. Go back over every sentence and ask "so what?" It if doesn't answer the question and doesn't further the theme you've set, eliminate it.

Related: Jim Collins on Confronting the Brutal Facts supporting the premise of how companies go from good to great.

Often I've found people -- the one's who don't go into defensive meltdown mode -- are twice as good at writing about their product when they're defending it against one of my critiques. For one thing, they're ten times as passionate about their product ...exactly what they kill off in their boilerplate, swipe file by-the-numbers hack jobs.

They're not copywriting, that's not even writing ... they're typing.

That emotion and enthusiasm for the product is what needs to get into the copy. It won't happen by intellectually pointing out the facts. And that's a way to position "toughness" as a valuable business asset.

Thanks John S. I accept your feedback. It sounds like I need to flesh out the story more and carry it through the letter. I'll work on giving making the specific business problem he solved clearer than "sleepy". I'll also rework it to give the toughness more context and appeal, and not keeping it ALL secret.

Thanks for your feedback — tough and fair, just like life.

Taki

Hi Taki,

I like the idea and Mr. X is one of my favorites. John already gave you some great advice. I'll just add some thoughts some of which may overlap his.

1. The headline is too much about you. Figure out a way to relate it to the reader. As John said, everything should pass the "so what?" test. Readers will see that headline and think, "So what? How does that affect me? What will I get by getting what he has? What is it that he has to offer?"

1a. I wouldn't ask them to allow you to do anything. You're the writer, you're in control. Just tell them.

2. Before the "that how I found my secret weapon" you need to link with the previous section. e.g. I had a problem, I went searching for the solution, then I found my secret weapon.

3. Find an angle to shrink the time to see results. Yours took 18 months. That's too long for most people to find enticing and it takes away the urgency you built up.

4. The sentence where you say you wouldn't normally tell anyone things. It's not clear what you're referring to. It might be better to say Mr. X doesn't normally spill the beans but you've convinced him to tell all. It makes it enticing and you look like a hero.

5. Back to the original problem. It sounds like what a kid would normally say when they just wanted to go hang out with friends or go to the beach. If you're targeting older existing shop owners that may not resonate. It might be better to talk about how your dad built a good business but not a great one. Then you discovered Mr. X who showed you that you could work the same amount or less and make way more money. Needs work but something like that.

6. You need to somehow make it seem like even though some of their competitors will be there that it's not a danger to them. You can do this either by implying that at least they'll be equal, you'll give them something special to get an edge, you're limiting how close the businesses are to maintain a competitive edge or something like that.

7. You need to explain why you would be investing back into their business.

8. "with you you on the day." has an extra you.

9. "If you come..." I'd change that to "When you come..."

10. "P.S. Remember to call right away..." change to "P.S. So call right away". You don't want them to remember anything, you want them to do it now.

11. Bullet out some of his secrets. It makes it more believable. Make sure it relates with the reader's problems and desires.

12. In the P.S., don't tell them to do the math. You do it for them. Ink is cheap, I'd suggest you use it to take away any effort they have to do to order.

12. In the P.S., change "...but if we" to "...but if I" to stay consistent.

Great work, keep it up. Cheers.