I want your most ruthless, evil and downright mean critique of these headlines. Give it your all, hold absolutely nothing back. There is no such thing as hurting my feelings. Just hammer me with your most blunt, straightforward critique of these headlines humanly possible. I can handle it.

Here are the headlines I am thinking about using:

1. If You Really Want To Achieve Your Goals Right Away, Here's How...
2. This Simple Secret To Success Could Change Your Life Forever
3. A Strange And Little Known Truth About Successful People
4. How To Accomplish Everything You Wished You Had Done In The Next 68 Days
5. Tired Of Feeling Like You Haven't Accomplished Anything?
6. Mistakes You Could Be Making That Are Stopping You From Success
7. Who Else Wants To Quickly And Easily Accomplish Their Goals
8. Why Haven't We Been Told These Facts About Successful People
9. What Do Albert Einstein, Leonardo Da Vinci and Alexander The Great All Have In Common?
10. So Long As You Follow What It Says In This Book - You Will Become Successful
11. The Real Reason Why You Are Not As Successful As You Would Like To Be Is...
12. How To Change Your Life - Now
13. Give Me $1 And I Will Show You A Simple And Little Known Secret To Success That Could Change Your Life Forever

If nothing else, just tell me which number you think will pull the best

Thanks

First - what's the product, and who is your audience? - I understand it's some sort of personal development product.

the 68 days one is the worst. How about 68 minutes?

Most of those headlines don't knock me out. The only one that would get me to read on is the Einstein / Da Vinci headline. that one evokes curiosity.

However, many of the other headlines could be sub-heads throughout your letter.

Hi,

Thanks for your reply. The product is indeed a personal development product about setting and achieving goals. It goes over things like overcoming procrastination, the 80/20 rule, ect, to help accelerate the process of getting to where you want to be.

My audience is frustrated individuals who feel like they are not accomplishing enough in life. The main target audience is towards college students who are unsure of where they are going in life and are frustrated with where they are.

Did you write your bullets yet?

If so, lets see them.

Maybe we can pull something from them.

I ditto what's been said above.

I have bullets but only about 85 of them so far. I would like to get up to at least 300 but my goal is 700. Then I can edit out the losers and have say 100 ass kicking bullets

It's really tough to give you suggestions without seeing the rest of the sales letter. I don't know the product... the price point... the offer being made... what hot buttons you're trying to hit... etc, etc, etc.

In terms of your headlines. I skimmed them quick and felt like you did some tweaks from headlines that are typically in a swipe file. They seem flat... like they lack snap or spark IMHO.

Here's one off the top of my head, just using some of your headlines are subject matter:


Can you see the difference in energy and enthusiasm?

Hope that helps,

Mike

When I read a sales letter, I'm scanning most of what's on the first page in about 3 seconds. If I see anything that grabs me, I may read it a little more closely (including the headline and lead). But if you're just going to give me the headline to look at, this one

How To Accomplish Everything You Wished You Had Done In The Next 68 Days

would be the only one likely to get me to look further. Personally, I'd be interested in accomplishing everything I wished I had done (that's covers a heck of a lot of things) in 68 days. I think it's the one that comes nearest to offering a benefit and it's specific (at least in terms of time). None of the others motivate me or give me any information that makes me want to spend any more of my scarce time finding out what you're about to sell.

Maximus,

What's your USP? I think you need a hook. Otherwise, all these headlines look like they could point to any old goal-setting product.

What is it about your product that makes it worth it to your reader to pay attention to this one above all the others?

Hope this is helpful.

Janet

A better headline also depends on what the product actually is. You may want to boil it down to a core benefit and add a "hook."

Example:
The Four Hour Work Week

All the other headlines try to make a claim ...without actually promising anything.

I don't know what the product is, but I do know the overall idea seems to be "effectiveness." Okay then, you have to distill down what that means. Everything I want to accomplish in 68 days doesn't do it for me.

Better:
The 68 Day Promotion System For Busy Executives

[Notice this is actually a "point of you" headline ...it just doesn't use the word you. A 68 day plan sounds like a chore. A 68 day plan you can accomplish as a busy executive holds out the promise it will be easy.]

Specific payoff. And the payoff is credible with the time frame used. "Layoff proofing" your job is more relevant for this stage of the economic cycle, however.

"Everything you want to accomplish" sounds like a generic product without a target customer. Same with the other headlines. What you want to do is see if you can find if everything I'm trying to accomplish has some connecting thread or objective. And, in finding this out, you have some insights into who I am as a specific target customer.

Then use that larger objective, not all the little accomplishments designed to reach it.

Start out with a clear, powerful product and offer. Then use the headline to get out of the way. In other words, start with a good product and clear value proposition and then your task is simple: Get To The Point.