Client, an IT consultant, asked me to write this sales letter in a toned down Dan Kennedy style. It's selling $349 month membership to an IT Webinar to small - medium business owners and managment.

Client said he was very pleased and then asked me to take off Buy Now buttons because he wanted it for direct mail (instead of or in addition to site...not sure). (I had previously only written online sales letters, but I suspect there's more to converting copy for print than that.)


After sending out for peer review, client took me up on my "free revision" policy, asking for minor revisions. Again said he was very pleased and left me excellent feedback rating at the site where I bid on projects.

Anyway the one linked to is the final draft he mailed as far as I know.

The thing is that I have NO IDEA if the letter was successful. I actually have no idea how any of my ~9 (to date) sales letters convert except for one selling my own $19.95 eBook (between .5 and 2 percent depending on tourism season).

I got the idea on this board to offer a discount for the next sales letter in series in exchange for feedback, including conversion rates that I could use in my portfolio, but didn't receive a reply.

Given that this paid higher than related jobs at this freelance auction, I'm guessing client may have found someone cheaper OR the letter sucked and he doesn't want to say that...OR his list sucked OR a combination of factors.

I want to improve my skills.

What do you think - keeping in mind this was to be a "toned down D.K. style" letter? Good and bad - please.

The only way I know to post it with fonts and all intact is to provide link to the sales letter download in my portfolio, but it looks like it just linking to my main portfolio page.

This letter is the first one in the first folder. Folder is labeled "Sales." and document title: D.K. B2B letter.

B2B Sales Letter C. Blankenship Portfolio


Thanks!

Cindy

Hi Cindy,

What folder is the file in and what's the title?

Edit: I found the file. It's the D.K. Style one in the Sales folder. Thx.

Kawika the letter is in the first folder, labled "Sales" and the letter is the first one in that folder and is labeled "D.K B2B."
I was editing my post and must not have had that in when you read it. Looks like it is there now. Thank you!

Cindy

Cindy

I'm not really going to comment on the letter itself...but I just wanted to say that you do not need to offer a discount to find out about conversion rates.

You need to make it a condition upfront. Along with the condition of getting a testimonial if the letter does its job converting. (what you are looking for here is a testimonial with specifics)

This would be less of a struggle if you were to present yourself more as a marketing partner than a peon copywriter.

Also, I found that having to download your file to read the letter a bit cumbersome and time consuming. I have too many files on my desktop as it is. I'm saying this from the standpoint of what your prospective clients might be thinking.

Hi Cindy,

1. I read the letter and I should ask, what kind of feedback are you looking for? It looks like the letter had a lot of input by the client and his peers. It suffers from major feature and techno bloat. It's not exactly what I'd call toned down Dan either. As an exercise I'd consider looking for areas to be clearer, less technical, more connected to the reader and compelling.

1a. To get business owners to do anything you either have to hold a huge carrot in front of them, which may be irrelevant to the real pitch, or scare them big time. By scare think ripping their heart out of their bodies and holding it in front of them and saying, "If you want this back then be on the webinar." That's extreme of course but you can't kinda scare them with the IT monster.

2. Who and how was he going to reach his market? This letter might work if he targeted one niche group he can mail to and it was rewritten to talk directly to that market. If he's going the SEO route that's going to be really tough.

2b. btw, what's his backend products and services look like?

3. He might have considered a free webinar they can download that is his lead generator or what might be better is to do a conference call. Both of which sell the paid membership.

4. I'd tone down the techno talk. I'm technical and even I got tired of IT everywhere. That's this far away thing that most business owners could care less about. It dominates the business and tech magazines but doesn't come up much in business circles.

5. The section where he talks about his credibility doesn't tie in with the reader. Everything is about the reader, even in the credibility section. If the client feels a need to talk about themselves, instead of the much more persuasive testimonials, then it should relate to the issues he's trying to make not sound like a resume.

It should read something like, "I worked on stuff just like yours." Everything he talks about and the companies he lists aren't like his target market.

6. The subhead (paraphrased), "So what, why'd you tell me that" is not a question they should be asking and he shouldn't be telling them that. That's an excuse for bad communication. It reads like, "I told you something you have no clue as to why I did that so here is justification, deal with it, now here's something else you don't understand..."

That's not good. Better to rewrite and rewrite until it's very clear as to what he's saying, why he's saying it and it compels the reader to keep reading. Confusing them or appearing arrogant then trying to downplay it is dangerous because even if some people get it, some won't and those may have been the ones who would have bought.

7. Overall the copy is tech heavy. Like I said, I'm in tech businesses and even I was thinking, "Huh? What is this magical mystical IT thing?" This is why I suggest he target and you write for a small tight market with common issues that can be addressed in the copy. This letter is too broadly reaching that never works.

Keep up the great work and choose your clients carefully. Cheers.

Hi Cindy,

So here's what I felt after reading your copy:

I couldn't even get past the first 3 pages to read the rest of your sales letter. There was way too mention of IT that I just got bored and stopped reading.

It's a case where you're trying to amplify the seriousness of the problem a bit too much and increasing the copy length for no good reason.

Sections of your copy look like you're talking down to the reader and being sarcastic.

Overall, I feel the copy is a bit too technical and doesn't connect with your prospect properly. You should seriously think about toning down your approach a bit.

Hope this helps.

Thanks.

Thank you Kawika and Dean for taking the time to review this. I agree with all of your comments on the letter.

I had a feeling that it wasn't very good. It was my only attempt to write a sales letter based on another's style and a very broad market.

He wanted something in the style of the ones you see at Dan's site...which to me are arrogant and play off fear (rather than pleasure). Seems I got the arrogant, but what I thought was shiverin' in their boots scary was instead a sleeping pill of tech and statistics overload.

And instead of referring to as you put it Kawika, the "mysterious" IT over and over I should have given examples of what can go wrong in their offices...

That was me not "getting it" and just going with what I was given. Something I thought I learned in journalism not to do

Since this letter I've gotten more persistent in getting answers. I even created a questionnaire. And I tell them I can't start writing without the info (unless it's of course something they just don't know).

Of course when the client says their market niche is "everyone" or "everyone who owns a business that uses computers" it makes it difficult. Maybe that was part of the problem too, like you said Kawika - choose my
I'm currently writing a sales letter for another IT product. So I will keep everything you said in mind. It's not my favorite niche, so wish me well.

Connecting with readers is difficult when you don't really get them. I try to do a good amount of homework, and I've often been told I'm highly empathetic, etc...but some niche's are much more difficult for me than others.

In the case of this letter, the client was marketing to an off-line list of business owners. He does have something on his site, but that was secondary. He didn't have any information on the niche readership...just owners of small to medium businesses.

And yes, I asked about free Webinar and more enticing bonuses/offer. I often suggest changes in an offer if I don't think it's going to fly.

Thank you Dean for your thoughts on securing detailed testimonies (when warranted). And sorry that was a pain to open. Actually it doesn't stay on your computer though...unless you save it. I can't change how the venue does this. It's an job auction type site. They keep me busy, but I am eventually going to set up my own site.


Thank you again both for your input.

I just noticed the Digg It and other buttons. Which ones are appropriate for review posts such as your detailed Kawaika?

One more question (and perhaps a big bubble to burst)...
What is considered a decent conversion for ebooks - not
$1,995 reports, but your average $19.95 ebook? I'd always heard 1 percent but am starting to think that I should try for higher.

Maybe I should post this with another critique request since it's online and easy to access? Is it ok to do this with our marketing materials? Or just clients?

Cindy

Hi Cindy.

I applaud your pursuit to excellence and willingness to look at your work critically. That's a great skill and strength that will serve you well.

1. If the client doesn't know his market you might consider researching it for him. If it's too big then I'd see if they're open to shrinking their view and justify it with "big fish in a small pond" argument.

2. There's ways to address IT in ways that businesses can understand. His offering seems to be anti-virus, ROI, backups and lack of a security policy. These are all buzzwords in tech and have their pitches that can be found in trade magazines like Information Week, PC World, cnet.com to name a few. All can be found online or at the bookstore or library.

One hour at Barnes & Nobles or Borders magazine rack will give you all the ammunition you need to understand their market somewhat and a few more hours reading and swiping from the articles will make you as much an expert as your clients in persuading prospects.

I don't really do the Digg it stuff so just keep up the good work and I'll be happy.

Thank you Suzanne. I never would have thought to do that.

Do they actually follow through and send you the information? I recently set up a policy where I will do one free revision under the condition they track the page for 2 to 4 weeks and send me those details. I figured this would be a good time to ask for more detailed testimony (I get testimonies at the auction venue in the form of "feedback" but these are based on what they think about my work not how it tests), and then I saw that post here or was it on Michael Fortin's blog...I thought Michael had made that suggestion. Maybe not.

Anyway, yes, we're not copywriting peons. I agree.
After having worked as one for over a year, I realized I had to change my attitude. Once I did that and set up a new profile selling my work, my hourly rates have tripled to quadrupled. Nothing close to what some of you make, but getting better I figure once I have testimonies that note good conversion rates, then I'll raise my fees and start my own site since the venue I bid at tends to attract bargain hunters - but not always

Oh, I replied to your note about the download in a different. Got confused. Anyway, it looks like there's an attachment feature here so will try that next time.

Thanks!
Cindy

hi Cindy

This sounds like a great way to set your conditions for a testimonial-- and is very much along the lines of what I was thinking. Also, are you giving clients 2-3 alternative headlines to test?

It sounds like you are doing a lot of the right things and this just wasn't a marketing-savvy client. If they were, they'd be testing more and coming back to you for the proper rewrite...