Please critique this carpet cleaning letter.

Dima Kritchevski · **Please critique this carpet cleaning letter. -** 06-05-2008, 12:25 PM

Hey!

I noticed there are no welcome or introduction areas in this forum. So hi

The copy I have posted is a short piece I am crafting for a carpet cleaning business, It's designed to fit on 1 A4 paper.
I really appreciate any feedback as this is my first professional client so I'm really hoping to knock their socks off.

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Time to Clean the Carpets?

Did you know most carpet manufacturers recommend a professional carpet cleaning at least every 12-18 months?

Myer’s Qualified, Professional Cleaners will ensure your carpet’s get a deeper clean which you can see and feel. All backed by our 100% Satisfaction Money Back Guarantee and over 30 years experience. For a free Quote call 1300 657 432 Today.

Leave’s your carpet looking and feeling softer, cleaner and more beautiful.

Even seemingly clean carpets may have nasty germs and bacteria lurking in them. Our powerfully heated steam kills them on contact.

Stubborn odors are no match for our deodorizer, Which will leave your house smelling fresh and clean from the bottom up

Removes deep-down dirt that builds up underneath your carpet

Carpet protector’s ensure your carpet stays cleaner for longer

Extra attention paid to trouble spots and heavy traffic areas to ensure your satisfaction.

Convenient appointments to fit your busy schedule - Including Saturdays

Why Choose Myer Carpet Care?

To start with, our courteous, professional cleaners begin with a pre Inspection to identify problem areas. We than use the three step process recommended by major carpet manufacturers to ensure a clean you can see and feel.

Step 1 Deep Clean: Apowerful cleaning solution is sprayed deep inside the carpets loosening embedded dirt and killing germs and bacteria.
Step 2 Rinse: Next, Extractors gently remove all remaining dirt and leave your carpet clean and soft.
Step 3 Treatment: Lastly, Deodorizers and Carpet protectors are applied making your carpet fresher and easier to care for.

After cleaning your carpets, we review it with you to make sure everything is done to your satisfaction. If not, we fix it right away. We want you to be completely satisfied before we leave your home.

100% Satisfaction Guaranteed – Or you’re Money Back!

Call Myer Carpet Cleaning Today For a Free Quote on 1300 000 000

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So far I think:
The headline could definitely use something more inspired

I would really appreciate any recommendations, pointers or tips you may have.

Thanks in advance.

cheers,
Dima

Eric Engel · **Re: Please critique this carpet cleaning letter. -** 06-05-2008, 05:29 PM

This is supposed to go out in the mail?

Have you ever heard tele-marketers selling a carpet cleaning service? You're gonna need to pitch better than that if you want to get anywhere.

Assuming this is a mail piece:

Quote:

Dear HomeOwner:

We're going to be on your street this week for a MASSIVE cleaning sale. We have 3 crews going to your neighborhood, and at least one of them will spend most of the day on your street.

Since we won't have to spend extra money for traveling, every customer on your block is going to SAVE BIG TIME!

Call us before [insert date--only give them 2 days] to schedule your appointment. Remember, our crews will be there for only one week, so call now to get the special savings.

Something to that effect would do a lot for you.

I can't put it in the right words now because I'm all messed up on Nyquil, but you get the picture.

GarySmith · **Re: Please critique this carpet cleaning letter. -** 06-05-2008, 08:41 PM

Your Carpet is Making You Sick!

From Bob Sanders of Acme Cleaming,

You enjoy the softness and feel of your carpet but...when was the last time you had your carpet cleaned?

Well if it was more than 3 months ago your family could be in serious danger.

According to the xxx report, carpets collect some of the nastiest health hazards in your home including...

- Pet feces walked in from the soles of your shoes
- Airborne chemicals settled in from your cleaning agents
- Oil and antifreeze brought in from the street

All of these can sit in between the fibers...where they are breathed in by you and your loved ones.

Don't throw out your carpet just yet because with a three month cleaning schedule you can enjoy all the wonderful pleasures of your carpet with no danger!

My name is Bob and for 20 years my company and I have been keeping the homes of Main Street safe and sanitary by providing reliable carpet cleaning services.

While most carpet cleaners use harmful chemicals that can leave hard to remove residues on your fibers....for the last five years we have been using the YYY method that removes not only all the health hazards in your carpet but no residue.

This month only you can get sign up for our cleaning services at this special price...

(anyway just some ideas if you want use more of a fear factor)

(I think this kind of copy would add more BANG to your copy...)

Gary Smith

Cruiser · **Re: Please critique this carpet cleaning letter. -** 06-05-2008, 09:34 PM

I saw a headline here in Australia a while back that said "How to have clean, fresh smelling, ready to walk on carpets-in less than 1 hour" which I thought was very good.

One thing that annoys everyone is tradespeople, cleaners, gardeners etc that never arrive on time. So in my lead gen ads for tradespeople I like to include an "On Time Guarantee", although the client is usually reluctant to try it.

Also professional appearance and trustworthiness is a factor in the customers mind so make sure you mention your "professional, qualified, trustworthy uniformed carpet technicians that will arrive on time or its FREE!"

All carpet cleaners talk about how great their vacuum cleaners are but never mention specifics. Don't make the same mistake.

So you could try 'our carpet cleaners pump steaming water at 7 times the pressure of conventional cleaners. This means deep dirt particles are cleaned from the carpet leaving it smelling cleaner and looking brighter for up to 3-4 months longer'

vdmp · **Re: Please critique this carpet cleaning letter. -** 06-06-2008, 01:34 AM

Hi Dima,

I like that you're using a letter instead of just dropping it in a giant coupon book or putting up a flyer at the mall. Like most businesses you know the technicals of your service very well. The challenge most have is translating that to customer benefits, which is what you're really selling. Here's some thoughts.

1. It suffers from feature-bloat. No real benefits described to the reader. Tell them why all that stuff you're saying matters to them. e.g. Leave’s your carpet looking and feeling softer, cleaner and more beautiful you'll think it was brand new.

2. Headline is weak. Tap into their desires or the reason their carpet got so dirty. e.g.

You can't stroll through a soft meadow with the sweet fragrance of flowers every day...but you can feel like you are every time you walk on your 'like new' carpet professionally cleaned with our new Springtime Deep Cleaning Formula

or;Your dog is going to hate us and you're going to love how your professionally cleaned carpet smells

Get their senses involved.

3. "Did you know most carpet manufacturers recommend..." How could they possibly know that? Leave out the "Did you know" and explain to them how you know that to be true and what that means to them. This is a good place to agitate their pain.

4. All your bullets need the so what answered.

5. Give every process and thing you use a name. It's not a Deodorizer, it's an Industrial Strength Odor Killer. It's not a Protector, it's an Armor Plated Shield Against Odors. Going with the springtime theme the Deodorizer is Springtime Freshness Spray. It makes it sound like it's yours and you actually put some thought into it.

6. Better to be Certified than "Qualified".

7. "Clean...Rinse...Treatment" maybe change treatment to a word in your copy, "Protect".

8. Your target is probably the ladies of the house. Men however, might want something a little more loco.

Warning: Some could consider this imaginary copy vulgar and just plain scary but it might work if Men are your target. If you're easily offended skip to #9 now...I'll wait...Okay, for the rest of us this is just a little bit of humor.

Our army of battle-hardened fighters will bring the latest state of the art equipment to your house ready for war. A war against odors and dirt. We'll spray our military strength cleansing formula to stun the odor causing lifeforms in your carpet. Then we'll use our powerful Benford(tm) 3000 super suction vacuum to grab the germs by their nuclei and rip them out of your carpet. Their carcases will be deposited into our laboratory approved storage receptacle ready for immediate disposal. Then we shield your carpet with our Covert Invincible Armor (CIA) protector that leaves no residue and is odorless. You'll be amazed at how fresh your carpet feels and smells...guaranteed. (no germs were harmed in the writing of this copy)

9. I like the idea of an on-time guarantee. If you don't show up within the allotted window you'll give them $50 cash. Better than money back guarantee.

10. "We than use..." should be "We then use..."

11. I'd look for a justification that scares them. Nothing like a blown-up picture of a germ and a startling headline to get their attention.

Warning: For guys again. To rip off Jackie Moon in Semi-Pro and tie it to a current movie, "Did you know that carpet odor is caused by millions of tiny germs...dropping a deuce?"

or in the situation where you've already cleaned their carpet and it's been 12 months have that same picture of a giant germ with the headline, "We're back!"

The main points I'd say are tie the features into benefits, get a stronger headline and less talk about your company and more about your future clients. I wish you the best and keep writing. Cheers

Wordwisemarketing · **Re: Please critique this carpet cleaning letter. -** 06-07-2008, 09:23 AM

Hi Dima,

You've got lots of great feedback already, so let me be the anal one for a second and recommend that you hire a proofreader to look at your work before submitting it to your client. You've got a ton of grammatical errors in there.

You're on the right track. But I think you're wasting your time writing a great sales letter if you're going to distract readers with a bunch of typos.

(OK, stepping off my soapbox now...)

Sammer · **Re: Please critique this carpet cleaning letter. -** 06-10-2008, 12:50 AM

Having worked in the industry I can state for a fact one key ingredient missing in the letter is...

Embarassment.

Women almost always decide when it comes to furnishings for the home and she is very embarassed by the ugly stains and dirt in "her domain".

Include this element in your letter for extra punch.

Good luck!