Hi all. I've have been roaming for awhile now. A little background information about myself. I am no marketer....far from it. And this is why I really need some help.

This sales letter/flyer will be mailed out to Mom and pop restaurants. Particularly Ethnic restaurants (This is because most of them don't have websites)

I was going to just put the text here but I want you to see this thing as they would see it so i am going to link you to an image sharing website where you can see the flyer for yourself. (Picoodle)

http://img28.picoodle.com/img/img28/...lm_705dc62.jpg

I read it and I don't really like it. I want to sell my service, but i feel i am failing to do so miserably. I just can't seem to communicate my message. I understand people buy off emotion which is why i attempted to cover emotional hot buttons. But I just can't get it right for the life of me.

I need help far beyond the copy but that will have to wait for another day.

Any help or guidance or anything I would greatly greatly appreciate.

You're right, the copy is lacking.

But, there's something more damaging in your flyer...

... a strong sense of DESPERATION!

I smell it when I read your flyer.

My question is: Are you desperate?

If you are -- then I would make a story out of it. Build the "promotion" around that.

"Got hit with a huge tax bill..."
"Landlord says pay up or move out..."

I'm not saying necessarily write it that way, but the idea is that because of YOUR SITUATION -- they're going to get a deal.

You come off much more honestly that way. And trust me... business owners will understand being in a pinch.

Under 300 bucks and -- don't pay a dime til it's done are, in my opinion, signs of desperation. And, they're reckless business practices at best.

If you're NOT between a rock and a hard place financially, then find some positioning for your letter/flyer that helps people understand why they should choose you over all the other options.

Personally, I would be offering:

a) A free report
b) A free website crit

And...

I wouldn't go after people who don't have websites. Mistake!!!

There are too many REALLY BAD ones that need to be fixed -- start there.

Thanks JP, As to your question of am I Desperate? Yes, I am. That picture is my father I'm 23 with some nasty Student Loans and I need to Make some mula to pay them off ASAP.

I def do agree that their are some horrible sites out there. But I am using Direct Mail as the medium to get my marketing message out and 8 out of 10 restaurant's don't have websites.

I feel there is a market there, but I could be very very wrong. I chose 299 because I can make a Custom website from start to end in roughly 2-3 hours. Depending on the complexity of the graphic design.

To me 2 hours worth of work for 300 dollars is pretty darn fair. I Don't want to gouge anyone because i feel what goes around comes around. But if I have to raise my prices to make them feel more comfortable then I will do so.

I really like your idea about playing the Desperation factor. I just wonder how I could do it.

This stuff is very very hard. Just the method of convincing someone to read a piece of paper by the words you use in the beginning is mind boggling to me.

I also really find it difficult because the restaurant owners that don't have websites don't use the Internet themselves.

You're just adding more ammunition for my argument that this may be a BAD market to go after...

Nevertheless, whichever market you attack -- you've identified your potential "desperation hook."

Student Loans

Some of you other copy hounds wanna step in here and write this guy a few headline options?

Okay not million dollar headlines here, but off the top of my head...

(Your Prospects Name) Continues To Unknowingly Lose Hundreds Of Cash Paying Customers To (Insert Local Restaurants With Websites) Resulting In Thousands Of Dollars In Lost Sales

For this headline I would maybe try going into how they are losing lots and lots of money and make them feel the pain - then offer to remove that pain. Show how they are losing lots and lots of money by not having a website.

Also I would not approach them as a website builder but as a Internet Marketing Expert that is going to allow them to tap into a market of buyers they could not reach anywhere else, that their competitors ARE tapping into.

With that I might also try a lead generating program and then you can try to sell them face-to-face

Here are some more off the top of my head.

Are You Still Doing Business In The Dark Ages?

When People Ask If Your Restaurant Has A Website - What Will You Tell Them?

The Silent Killer That Is Slowly Eating Your Restaurant Alive!

And the desperate appeal

Broke Programming Genius Shows Restaurant Owners How To Send Insane Amounts Of Customers To Their Business At A Fraction Of The Regular Cost!

Or maybe

Desperate Nerd From Wherever Gets Restaurant A Flood Of New Customers For Dirt Cheap So He Can Pay Off His Student Loan!

This one might need some tweaking but with a bit of editing it could be really powerful.

Anyways hope this helps.

Your letter is a great start. You've identified a market, maybe, have a pricing structure, a package and are willing to direct mail to prospects. Nice job.

I agree with what JP said. Your 8 out-of 10 statistic actually is in-line with the 20/80 rule. If you're still convinced you want to go after that market here's some thoughts.

1. People who get into Mom & Pop restaurants didn't do so to have more free time. Anyone in that business, especially if they have employees, know it's long hours, very hard work and has piles of government regulations, insurance and facility issues.

2. Your copy doesn't really talk like you're one of them. Maybe interview a couple restaurateurs and see how they talk, ask what their concerns are, etc. Ask why they are or aren't on the Internet. Address their objections and hit their hot buttons in the copy.

3. You need to have a justification for the urgency. If you want to play the desperation card then it has to be that you're about to stop taking new customers, which would happen if you had to get a job doing something else, or that you only want to take on a few more clients then stop to give your full attention to the select few that were lucky enough to be chosen by you.

4. Restaurant owners already do some marketing. You'll need to show how yours is better. They'll say things like, "I advertise in the yellow pages, coupon books, Pennysaver" or whatever else is available to them. Need to show how their web site, $299, beats the pants off yellow pages which cost a lot more than that. Maybe say, "It's like a full page yellow pages ad that is in front of your customers 24 hours a day and since 8-out-of-10 of your competitors haven't gone online you'll be able to dominate your market."

5. Better to give them a money back guarantee for 60 days than it is to allow them to wait to pay you until it's finished. One way to control that is to control the hosting account. After 60-days you give them the access credentials. If they cancel then just delete the site, or at least threaten to. That whole deleting thing seems to scare customers who got bad advice back to you as long as you've positioned yourself as the expert.

6. Since they know about advertising already you might want to show how you can get them the numbers. For instance the yellow pages will say x# of people get the book and y# read the restaurant section regularly.

I'd also suggest you witness the yellow pages pitch. You can call them up, they'll meet you at a coffee shop and you can hear it. How you present yourself is up to you. I've "heard" people impersonating restaurant owners but I'm not suggesting you do that.

7. There's two L's in Normally.

8. Don't use generalizations like you're afraid to offend them. e.g. "The average restaurant saves around $400..." instead tell them, "You can save around $400 a year...That's like having one more large dinner party a year and you don't even have to pay your staff overtime."

9. You need to do more credibility building. Who are you? Why are you qualified to build a web site especially one for restaurants? How can what you're giving me get me more customers?

I wish the best for you in all your pursuits. Cheers.

Hey there - a few quick things from someone who's been doing websites for a few years now.

1) Working the low end of the market like this can sometimes be a headache. I know, a $300 site you can do in "only 3 hours" sounds great on the surface, but when you factor in your time and money to get one client in the first place (not everyone you invest your time talking to will say yes) and time spent via email/phone discussing the project with them, it's not as lucrative as it seems upfront.

2) Clients that want a complete website for $300 can be some of the most demanding, difficult to please clients you work with. I think most copywriters here would say the same thing about copywriting clients too - and charging higher fees will often give you better clients to work with.

3) If you want to be affordable and still make some good money, why not charge these folks a $100 setup fee and then $50/month? If they stay for a year, you're now making $700 the first year (and $600 each year after that)! I have a friend who's done very well with a model like this, and he now has about 60 sites paying him $30 a month each and every month for only hosting and maintenance.

4) On the copywriting side of things, I agree completely with what vdmp said...

For starters, whether or not you think some of these folks use the internet themselves, you want to sell websites yet you don't have one listed yourself??? What? That's like trying to sell computers despite never having used one before!

If you were trying to sell me a website, you can bet I'd want to see samples of your work and ideally some testimonials from some satisfied clients.

HTH and good luck with this!

Steve

P.S. In your copy, I'd probably focus on the fact that so many of their competitors have websites that they were losing out because they don't. Like Maximus mentioned, I think businesses hate to be left out and they're likely to want to be doing something just because their competitors are (like YP advertising for example).

"Losing Money to your Competitors? Here's how you can gain an unfair advantage, serve more customers, make more money and beat your competitors at their own game"...would be my suggestion as a headline.

Mike,

So much good criticism, already. Here is my two cents worth.

I agree that most Mom and Pop restaurant owners or managers are over worked...so Free Time loses all credibility (in my opinion). Flyer goes into trash...not good.

As far as your market...here is a quick story, that I hope you enjoy.

Two shoe salesmen were sent to Africa in the early 1900's. The first shoe salesman wired back home...Do NOT send shoes, no one wears shoes, here.
The second salesman wired...Send more shoes...untapped market...no one wears shoes, here. You may have heard this story, but you may also have an untapped market!

How can you appeal to this market? Research will help provide you with the ammunition that you willl need.

Having been in the restuarant business for a few years, I may be of some help. I know that cost is a major, major concern, as well as revenue. This fact may help you.

(BTW-in my opinion...advertising, advertisng budget, advertising costs...anything in your flyer with the word "advertising" may be the kiss of death. Why? "Advertising" may be perceived by Mom and Pop as a cost, so your flyer may be perceived as a cost and not a savings or benefit. Trash, again).

Possible headlines?

Discover how other restaurants are getting more for less.
Would you like to learn how to bring in more customers?
Would you like to save money in the process?

You may want to compare features and benefits vs. other media. Focus on benefits, such as unlimited space for menu and for info about restaurant, net is 24/7, you can post restaurant pics as well , employee pics, etc.
You may want to include website and email address on flyer, and email address on site.
You may want to add email capture (with free report?) to website.
Be totally honest, for example, if 8 out of 10 do not have website...do not represent that 9 out of 10 do have a website.

If you have not read it yet, I also recommend that you check out:
The 60-Minute Naked-Truth Sales Letter Starter posted at this forum. I hope you will find it to be very helpful.

Good Luck on your Internet Adventure.

Much Success,
George Pierce