Please take a moment to critique this new letter of mine.

link deleted

I know I already lack testimonials. By the way I'm looking for some field testers if you're interested. Half way complete with the book.

Please comment on headline, flow, bullets. Thank you.

Jeremiah

WHOA! Lose the green background. It's too busy.

Overall format and bonuses look good. Colors are fine and the length is acceptable. That said I have some comments that may be worth consideration.

1. Run spellchecker. e.g. My mission: Gather the most unusal, ... Should be unusual.

2. Images have broken links.

3. Headline needs some revision. It's a little confusing to read. How do you turn 2-20 people into more fun? Would that be for 2-20 people?

4. I'd remove anything that ties the copy to a web site. It will make it easier to move into print. Besides they already know they're reading a web page, maybe no need to tell them the obvious.

5. You mention that you wanted unusual games but the story at the library needs more mystery. You searched the library, found some games. That's cool. What were their names? Any strange ones that involved strange objects or behaviour?

6. Is this mostly for the family or adults? If it's for family there was hardly any mention of kids and those that were there were not compelling. If it's for adults then I'd strengthen up the language to appeal to adults more.

7. When describing the games, detail how they'll feel while playing it and keep going until you get to an emotion.

A fun and challenging twist to America's favorite pastime, baseball. Bounces count as hits. There are no bases to run so Grandma and Grandpa can play too. (pg 4

to

A fun and challenging twist to America's favorite pastime, baseball. Bounces count as hits. There are no bases to run. Imagine the expression of joy on Grandma's face when, with her grandkids cheering her on, she scores the winning run. Those are moments you'll all treasure for a lifetime. (pg 4

8. Remove the "But what do I get..." part. You pretty much already told them what the get. It's okay to summarize just maybe do it instead of announcing you haven't told them yet. In general remove as many buts as you can. But tends to negate everything said before it.

9. Bonus #5, describe how you're scouring the local libraries and any other weird places to find these hard to find games.

10. Consider offering the things they need to play the games so it's truly no effort needed by them.

11. Maybe throw in that they will be passing on these great games to their kids and their kids, etc. We men want a legacy so if we can pay $30 to have one that's an easy decision to make.

12. This is a little out of order, in your mission it sounds too generic. Personalize it more like "Gather the most unusal, best outdoor games in the world so my family and friends could enjoy hours of non-stop fun that didn't break my bank." Tie in your wife and kids more so there's more "pressure" to succeed and please.

Great work, keep it up.

Vdmp,

Thank you. Great input and suggestions. I think just about everyone of them will make this letter stronger.

I especially want to hit the points about making/leaving a legacy.

I agree. I need to greatly expand the "park scene" and bring out the appeal that this guide book is perfect for kids and adults. I really want this section to be longer.

Three questions:

Does any one know where I can find some strong sample copy that is family oriented? For modeling purposes. Has to be emotionally appealing...something that makes you cry, makes you laugh.

Any other opinons on the background? I thought the grass feel was a great idea. My wife loved it. Just a solid green perhaps?

Any other opinons on the headline? Suggestions? The idea is that when you gather 2-20 people at a neighborhood park, you will have more fun and excitement than when you're at your favorite amusement park.

Thanks.

At first glance, these sound like games that would appeal to youth group leaders, camp directors and family reunion organizers. It's always a challenge for adult leaders to come up with new, fun group activities for kids. So those are potential markets for you.

You might also want to mention how they are an alternative to video games.

Once you get testimonials it would be nice to see you tell a story of how a group of kids played one of the games and describe the game in some detail. Or at least use an autoresponder series to do that.

--Anita

Which of these headlines is easier to read? Stronger?

Original:

"How to Turn Any Neighborhood Park and 2-20 People Into More Fun and Excitement Than Your Favorite Amusement Park - All At No Cost."

New Variations:

“How to Turn Any Backyard or Neighborhood Park Into a Blast of Fun and Excitement.”

or

"How You Can Turn Any Backyard or Neighorhood Park Into a Blast of Fun and Excitement."

I think it depends on your target market and what their motivation(s) is/are. Gotta have an emotion, imo.

From your list I'd go with the last one. Anytime you can use you it's a good thing.

Family:
"How you can turn any backyard or neighborhood park into your own personal amusement park that your family will love you for"

"How to get your kids off their computers and engaged in amazing outdoor games they'll want to play over and over right in the comfort of your own backyard or neighborhood park"

Keep up with the "Jone's" types:

"How to get every kid on your block beating a path to your door to play these sensational games with you and your kids...plus a special report showing how your kids can win every game"

"How to turn your next neighborhood barbecue into the event of the year with exotic games that will thrill your friends and family and create memories everyone will talk about for years to come"

Stuff like that. Keep up the good work.

Hi everyone,

Taking the previous suggestions, I've done the following:

new headline
developed..."the best part"
developed "you're family fun park is just around the corner" - hopefully I've made it more family centered
added "green is better"
added "outdoor play...a lost art"
added "a healthier alternative to tv...
added "make outdoor play a family affair"
and added more meat to bonus #5.
Haven't touched the bullets or done spellcheck.

Here's the link again:

Ultimate Outdoor Games - Outdoor fun anywhere, anytime

What do you think...have I acheived the ideas of leaving a legacy/family time?

Thanks.