Hi there,

I have hired a copywriter and would like some critique on his initial draft for my home page.

We are in the service business of providing long distance and telecommunications for businesses. My target market is the small business owner or his mr. or ms. do it all person from his office. Are 2 main selling points is the ability to offer not only very low rates but beat any rate they currrently have and to basically become their telecom department. We handle all issues related to their phone service for them, thereby, freeing up their time and eliminating all those headaches.

Here is the link.. http://www.worldnetsolutionsinc.com/

A few things i am curious about.

#1 - should there be an indent for the paragraphs?

#2 - Is the copy too long? I have been advised by my SEO consultant and have a few other marketing resources stating the home page should be consise, to the point, basically, your hub to lead them deeper into your site. So shorter copy with links pointing for more info?

#3 - Using the phrase of... From the desk of... -- I know I have seen this in many letter but is this the right market to be using this. I havent seen any B2B sites using this.

# 4 - The Smile guarantee - Is it too big? And how do you like that?

#5 - How do you like the "Painfree Long distance" slogan.


Any other advice is greatly appreciated.

Thanks

Chris,

First, to answer your questions.

Your choice, but many times, especially in longer copy, indenting the paragraph adds readability. Especially on longer paragraphs, which should be kept to a minimum anyway.

I don't think the copy is too long at all, especially if I was one of your target audience. What I find works best for me is to have any major sidebars depicted as a link (usually opened in a new window) so as not to make the main copy too unfocused. And some links are appropriate to go deeper into your site. For SEO, sometimes it is a tradeoff, as more relevant pages equlas more pages linked to your landing page, and more pages other sites can link to. But really it is a matter of trial and error. That is, testing. SEO experts on this forum may have other opinions about that subject.

Nothing wrong with it. Especially if you are using your name in the copy. They would have to scroll to the bottom and read your name (which they will probably scroll down anyway) if you didn't provide it up front.

It is a little big. I would reduce it by at least half in size.

I didn't notice that particular slogan mentioned anywhere, but personally the word "pain" (even though it is painfree) gives me a somewhat negative impression. I would substitute a positive word for it. Maybe "Easy Affordable Long Distance" or something like it.

A few more things:

Your main headline didn't grab me. It's a little reserved. You should focus on your biggest benefit to the prospect, and remember that a headline's main job is to get your lead read.

Your lead should also start with the biggest benefit(s) right up front as well. Some of your benefits to the prospect could be worded a little more cleanly and probably placed a little higher in your copy.

You should probably make use of more subheads. All of your headlines look the same, so the ones you really want to draw attention to are getting drowned out. And the blue and red alternating colors in the same headline looks a little "gimmicky" to me.

And you may not have any testimonials yet if this is a new business, but I would put at least some 3rd party ones in there. You know, where a leading authority makes a statement in a trade magazine or newspaper about the benefits of your type of business model, etc.

Hope that help.

Best wishes,

John

Hi Chris

Have you ever sat down at your couch and said to your wife...

"Honey, I think we need to streamline our long distance billing at no extra charge!"

People don't say or think that. I also have a hard time believing being caught in voice mail hell is something that people relate to this particular problem.

And what is an analogy from Greek mythology doing in this letter? Way off!

The rest of the letter is strong. The story is GOOD. You have genuine benefits to offer and they shine through. But, you do need to focus more on that and not let "gimmicks" or empty words get in the way.

You ESPECIALLY need a stronger opening. The weakest link in this message, definitely.

Best of luck!

How about something like this as the headline....

"If you want the lowest possible rates on your business long-distance service -- and absolutely HATE dealing with phone company customer NONservice people -- then you'll love what we offer! And the best part is, it's absolutely free!"

I personally don't like the phrase, "From the desk of..." It's just a pet peeve of mine... the DESK is not writing the letter, YOU are. (Well, not really, but you know what I mean.) Why not just say "From Evangelos Theodorou..." At first I thought there was no need to even use the name... if the readers don't know who he is, it doesn't add any value. But it's tied back in later, so I guess it's OK.

Though it's rare that I disagree with Erik, I do it here. I think your market (small businesses) certainly DOES use words like "streamline." You're not selling to your (or Erik's) wife. I also LOVE the reference to voice mail hell! I think it is very appropriate and you should keep it. And, yes, I'm disagreeing with Erik about the Greek mythology bit... it makes a point quite graphically and it worked for me. (Sorry Erik.. just my opinions.)

I do agree that the smiley face is way too big.

Overall, I think it's an effective letter!

Hey,

Thanks for the feedback. I wholeheartedly appreciate it. There is a voicemail hell for business owners calling the telecom comanies, its always push 1, push 3, then push 4, blah blah blah, very frustrating to say the least. Our 2 biggest benefits is low price and the service aspect we provide. VEry few agents do what we do. And, we do have many testimonials to be added. This is still a rough draft.

I know the one thing I will have to do is test everything but the one thing im getting caught up on is the lenght of the home page. Here is an excerpt from a different perspective on home pages...

"A homepage should always act as the gateway to the most imperative information on your site.

The homepage is prime real estate for displaying the top tasks that you want your user to complete. You should always use the homepage to tease your users with what's inside. You don't want to give them too much information right away, just enough for them to be intrigued to want to learn more. You need to tempt your users to take a closer look. "


Most business websites I see seem to follow more of this pattern but i also know just b/c many are doing it, doesnt make it right. Has anyone had any experience with testing the 2 different types of homepages - one as mentioned above, the other as mine is now?

Thanks again,

Chris

Chris,

Have you read "Net Words: Creating High-Impact Online Copy" by Nick Usborne? It's an excellent book and covers exactly what you're asking about (and much more).

Here's some of what Nick says (emphasis added):

"Not every visitor will arrive at your site through your homepage, but most will. And most of those visitors will never move on from there. They'll take a quick look around and leave. Some will leave because they figure out that you have nothing for them. But many moe will leave because you've done nothing to keep them. Nothing on the homepage has either held them there or actively moved them on to the next page... a homepage is not the equivalent of an envelope. But it's useful to look at how envelopes work, simply to learn a thing or two about advancing a reader's attention. Envelopes and the few words on them are all that stand between a piece of direct mail and the recipient's trash can..... The purpose of the envelope is not to make the sale or even get past stage one of making the sale. Its purpose is simply to persuade the recipient to take a look inside.... They let you know that the good stuff is yet to come. They tell you that if you stop reading now, you'll be missing out.... if the meat and the action and the rewards of your site are one or two levels down from the homepage, shouldn't you be doing something to drive people forward? ... do whatever you can to engage each visitor's attention and drive that visitor forward into the site."

I think the purpose of the homepage depends on your entire site design.

For example, if your number-one goal is to get visitors to call you and sign up, the page you have now as the home page has the meat and the call to action. It seems to work fine for me that way.

But if you're providing a number of services with various (and equally important to you) calls to action, you might want to rework the homepage to pique curiosity about all of them, then visitors would click specific links to find out more.

But if you DO decide to have less on the homepage and links to inner pages, don't do what most business websites do... spend most of the homepage saying "Welcome..." talking about their company instead of their product or service, and using dull language like "Click here for more information."

I'm certainly not a website design expert, Chris. But I don't think the length should be the deciding factor on whether to have less info on the homepage and links to inner pages. Personally, I appreciate being able to find what I'm looking for on a homepage without having to click on links, but again, that depends on the purpose and content of the site.

I'm starting to ramble now, and hope I didn't confuse the issue for you. Maybe others will share their opinions?

Did you actually PAY somebody for this copy?

<Sidebar>

I often say (regarding customer service training) that, "If you have to hire somebody to train the people you hired HOW TO be nice to other people... YOU HIRED THE WRONG PEOPLE!"

<end Sidebar>

Said that to say this... if you're having to go out and get critiques on the copy written by somebody you hire -- I'd question whether or not you hired the right person.

Sorry, but that's my take!

Hi Bonnie,

Thanks for that info, you were very helpful and no you werent rambling. I appreciate you taking the time to do this. Your advice was very helpful and i think the correct answere i will need is to test the shorter copy vs longer copy home page.

Chris

Chris,

I know it's only a draft, but I hope you're going to improve the design! Are you getting a web design company to do the design for you once your copywriter has finished? In my opinion, the pictures and design you're currently using make you look amateurish - probably not a good impression in your target market.

The headline doesn't work for me at all. I find it hard to believe that anyone actually "enjoys" their long distance calling. To my mind, it's one of those things that we take for granted, i.e. it's in the background. The only time it's in the foreground is when there's a problem. I also don't buy the hook of relaxing or spending my time on building sales etc. It just didn't seem to fit somehow. Because you are basically solving an irksome problem so that the whole issue fades into the background (where it belongs) I don't think it works to keep saying imagine this, imagine that.

What I did like was the "here's what we do for you" part.

I find the language too casual and possibly even patronising at times. It doesn't build credibiity in my mind.

I think I understand what you're selling - brokerage of long distance routes and an interface between your client and the suppliers. What I don't understand, however, is the scale of the problems. Are people spending 3 hours per week resolving issues with their long distance carriers, or is it just an occasional hiccup? And when those problems arise, who is charged with resolving them - the business owner/manager, the accounts department, the secretary - who? Each one would obviously get different benefits from having someone else take the burden off their shoulders - maybe each of these individuals needs to be addressed, or maybe you need to create a less convoluted hook.

It seems to me that it's an incredibly simple value proposition. Assuming that you're dealing with people who think rationally around such issues (like, who gets emotional over their phone company?), then you just need to give them the facts in a fairly plain way. What is the major objection to switching long distance providers? My guess is that it's resistance to any upheaval that this may cause. I'll cite myself as an example - I'm not that happy with my broadband provision, I'm nonchalant about my phone service (I don't know whether it would be cheaper elsewhere - confusion pricing reigns supreme!). But I can't be bothered to switch companies, even though I know I could get a better deal with a faster connection. Why? Because I just don't have the time or the inclination to research it, I can't be bothered with all the form filling or the phone calls, and I've heard that there can be problems when switiching broadband suppliers - and I don't need any downtime.

So, how would someone get me to switch? If they did it all for me. If they came round to my house and explained my options and how what they could offer was way better than what anyone else offers. If they filled in the forms for me, got me to sign them and offered a 14 day cooling off period. If they showed me a chart that showed their service/prices compared to others.

Can you change your offer to a free evaluation of their current pricing and how much time they're wasting resolving problems?

And if you can come up with a simple value proposition and good offer that only an idiot would refuse, then I think you can dispense with much of the convolution.

In terms of home pages - interesting point and I'm glad you brought it up. I think it depends on the goal of your website and what other products and services you have to offer. If you figure that you're unlikely to make sales off the page, then sometimes it's worth having the home page be a sales letter for your ezine - at least grab the visitors email address. The content management system I use allows me to put as many page/article teasers on the front page as I want. I was going to put just a sales letter for my ezine, but I've changed my mind and I'm probably going to put 3 or 4 teasers on there so that people can self-select their area of interest.

Would love to hear other people's thoughts on this.

HTH,
Jane

Chris,

There are several things about the copy that needs serious help.

First though, I am sorry that you are asking, as the owner, because I know our words will put the copywriter into difficulty.

I have no idea who the copywriter is - but I am sure he or she will read these messages sooner or later. I much prefer helping a copywriter to have a win with a client than to tear down efforts in front of the owner.

It would have been good if he or she came here before presenting the project to you. I say this for the copywriter's benefit to learn and move forward - not to take this too personally.

Second, if you want the letter to sell, then the priority is the letter - if the SEO guys are also vying for territory and have a leash on the copywriter, then this will screw up results.

Find different solutions that don't mix the two, otherwise you will find yourself between two boats, and you'll get wet.

Re: the letter...

The letter is off target - the voice isn't talking to the right market... i.e. - business owners or serious decision makers for businesses. They don't care about sitting back and enjoying their long distance.

This is a secondary benefit.

The whole image presented is too loose, relaxed, almost as if you are targeting teen-agers. You need to present a strong, professional image that is going to make very BIG promises, with immediate, solid proof.

The whole look and feel of the message also has to strongly convey a powerful, streamlined, and very efficient service to be believable - big happy faces and high school text book images aren't conveying this message.

The message is diluted and weak - You have to hit them hard with monster promises and immediately back them up with rock-solid proof.

Business owners don't have time to figure it out with a whole bunch of "what if" scenarios. Get to the point.

List your promises/benefits - prioritize them, and back up everything you promise with immediate, objective proof.

You offer the guaranteed lowest long distant rates... say it! Don't dance around the coffee table. And when you say such a thing, back it up immediately with proof.

This is going to sound vulger, and I don't mean this literally as to how you should treat your visitors, but to give you a mental image of the energy and force needed, think about a street fight... you don't dance around when your life is in danger - you hit hard, lightening fast, in as sensitive an area as possible, and before they have a chance to recover - you finish with a second blow, third blow, fourth blow, until it's over...

Bam Bam Bam...

Your page success depends on this execution.

You have a lot of good elements to make this letter work, but they are hidden - and get some testimonials - preferably with actual figures of how much they have saved, and their feelings about your customer service.

If you really do offer the lowest long distance rates and you can prove it with hard figures - this offer should convert very well in front of the right audience - as it stands, it has a lot of room for improvement, and is (I'm sorry to say it) almost definitely leaving easy money on the table...

Tim