Headline:

A Royal offer for
a loyal customer - that's you!

Bodycopy:

You don't buy jewellery every day, so when you do, it's a special occasion. We know that making the right choice takes time, but we've made it easy for you with prices on certified VVS quality diamonds that you won't find anywhere else. We are delighted to offer you these prices and make that special occasion even more special for you.

(jewellery pics with prices)

Addresses of outlets : XXXXXXX

Kindly give me feedback on the copy. Please rate me on the scale of 10 points.

Thanks in advance.

I dislike scale ratings, but if forced I would rate it from 1 to 10 (with 10 as the best) this gets a 2.5 or 3.

The problem is it's generic. "...you won't find anywhere else" is the generic meaningless claim of the entire jewelry industry. Technically, if it's at the one store, it is impossible to find that piece anywhere else. Even if the identical style can be found everywhere else, the jewelry you find "here" can only exist in one place.

It's a cheap, gimmicky technicality with a loophole as transparent as the phrase is overused. For an industry so suffocatingly image conscious, you'd think they'd shy away from lines a Three Card Monty huckster wouldn't touch.

An alternative would be where you have a customer say something like "I went to five different jewelry stores in [insert city name] before finding what I was looking for at [insert client store]." Full name of customer, with photo.

That would bring it up to about a four or five on a ten scale. Not good but better.

To get this into the good side of the ten scale, you'd have to move from a generic appeal to something more compelling.

A Killer headline. A pitch for a jewelry "tune-up" to prevent the tragedy of a loose fitting being the cause of your missing gemstone. (Which you play up in the headline). This is a two-step. You get the customer in for a jewelry tune-up, then have an upsell at the store.

And finally, a Unique Selling Proposition.

This is a generic "buy diamonds because we have diamonds" appeal, which is very weak. The "royal customer" thing is third-rate greeting card copy.

John_S's critique is spot-on. I hate ratings so I won't use one but do as he says - get specific. Your market is saturated and your customer probably sees hundreds of ads like this on a weekly (if not daily) basis.

For instance what does certified VVS quality diamonds mean exactly? What's the benefit of this feature?

See if you can find a person's story & testimony to use as John_S suggested. The more specific and personable you can make your copy, the stronger your connection to your customer will be.

Good luck - if you change the copy, let us know. I personally would like to see where you go next!

A good reason why is also critical in my mind. I know your rewarding your current clients, but a good reason for having it can boost response.

Testimonial is a must. I was also thinking of 'tell a story' even before I read larak's comments (must be a good idea if we both thought of it

I would consider adding a gift with purchase or a gift with appointment. That's usually a good way to get people to show up.

Well, I work for a diamond dealer and I can tell you that won't do much for you. I can't say much more than that or my client will cut off my supply of colored diamonds. And where would that leave me?

Without diamonds and that is NO place ANY woman should be.

Oh, yeah. My partner in crime, larak. Rep power coming your way.

Yes! Thanks Anne!

Hello Jasmeet,

I don't think your copy is as bad as others have stated. Actually, it's not bad at all. But ... I would make sure to put a deadline to come into your store to get these "special" offers.

Otherwise, the offer is stagnant and won't produce action.

-- Rachel

Thanks a lot for your appreciation. I am really working hard to improve on my copywriting skills. I am junior from Mumbai University, I am advertising students. Thanks a lot and I hope you were honest to appreciate it because till now I got bombarded with all the above critics. But I always takes it to my stride as a motivation to improve upon my skills.

For the deadline I am waiting for my client's reply