Direct Mailer Copy

jasmeet singh · **Direct Mailer Copy -** 05-16-2008, 07:51 AM

Headline:
Grab it quick, and watch it grab you back!

Bodycopy:

Dear XYZ,

Welcome to a world of elegance, Balmain Watches, from the stable of the world’s largest watch-making conglomerate, the Swatch Group. Extreme elegance and irreproachable quality: the world of Balmain is unique.

Get ready to be the centre of attraction at all social gatherings, at board meetingsor wherever you go when you are wearing a Balmainwatch.

Add more charm to your elegance. You will receive a Motomo necklace and a Mottomo pendantwhen you purchase a watch — and a Mottomo necklace if you do not! Impress that specialsomeone in your life bygivingher exquisite jewellery.

Awaiting experts fedback

missmaster · **Re: Direct Mailer Copy -** 05-16-2008, 09:02 AM

Feedback, hmmm...

Ok here goes.

- Can't understand what you're getting at
- No call to action
- No USP: why should people buy from you?
- Weird use of bold highlighting makes it difficult to read
- Odd bonus structure: if I don't buy a watch from you, I get a necklace...how?
- You're not bringing anyone in with your headline, it doesn't make any sense and it certainly doesn't indicate that you're trying to sell watches
- No PS

This looks like it was thrown together in about 5 minutes flat.

There's probably more thought put into the keywords than the copy itself.

If you sent this to the population of planet earth I'd be surprised if you got 1 response.

Sorry to be so blunt and it's not meant personally but this kind of stuff is an insult to professional copywriters and this critique section of the forum, to which professionals give their time and effort out of the goodness of their heart.

If you want someone to take your copy seriously, at least make the effort to present something worth our time.

PS - I sincerely hope you are not one of these incredibly irritating individuals who SPAMS people with emails about selling watches. If I ever get hold of one of these people they are gonna get it big time.

Eric Engel · **Re: Direct Mailer Copy -** 05-16-2008, 12:05 PM

Jasmeet,

I'm assuming this is a postcard?? I would guess that you've got some kind of order form on the back...because there's nothing that tells the person what to do next (that is, if they ever actually read this).

Direct mail is pretty darn expensive. I wouldn't waste money sending this out. You might get a few responses, but it's not likely.

I'm not one to say that copy is the most important part of any campaign--I've seen REALLY BAD copy sell a LOT of product. But this ain't one of those times.

Depending on how big your list is, I would chop it down and take the money you save to hire a copywriter. You'll get a higher response with the money you spend on a copywriter, and you can use the money you make off sales to widen your list again.

Travis_Lee · **Re: Direct Mailer Copy -** 05-16-2008, 01:40 PM

There are three basic things that are critical to a sales letter.
1. The List
2. The Offer
3. The call to action.

I assume you have a good list (that may be a bad assumption) I don't see #2 or #3. The headline must answer, what's in it for me?? Your headline has nothing in it for me.

jasmeet singh · **Re: Direct Mailer Copy -** 05-20-2008, 02:42 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by jasmeet singh

Headline:
Grab it quick, and watch it grab you back!

Bodycopy:

Dear XYZ,

Welcome to a world of elegance, Balmain Watches, from the stable of the world’s largest watch-making conglomerate, the Swatch Group. Extreme elegance and irreproachable quality: the world of Balmain is unique.

Get ready to be the centre of attraction at all social gatherings, at board meetingsor wherever you go when you are wearing a Balmainwatch.

Add more charm to your elegance. You will receive a Motomo necklace and a Mottomo pendantwhen you purchase a watch — and a Mottomo necklace if you do not! Impress that specialsomeone in your life bygivingher exquisite jewellery.

Awaiting experts fedback

Some changes as follows:

Headline:
A necklace and a pendant with every Balmain Watch. And — surprise!— a necklace if you don’t purchase anything.

Bodycopy:

Dear XYZ,

Welcome to a world of elegance, Balmain Watches, from the stable of the world’s largest watch-making conglomerate, the Swatch Group. Extreme elegance and irreproachable quality: the world of Balmain is unique.

Get ready to be the centre of attraction at all social gatherings, at board meetingsor wherever you go when you are wearing a Balmainwatch.

Add more charm to your elegance. You will receive a Motomo necklace and a Mottomo pendantwhen you purchase a watch — and a Mottomo necklace if you do not! Impress that specialsomeone in your life bygivingher exquisite jewellery.

Take the opportunity before it vanishes.Just walk into any of our outlets the 25th of May to the 25th of April. 08.

Regards,

(on the back side of the mailer is all the addresses of outlets.)

Kindly let me know is this clear now or I shall rework on the copy again it would be great help if you could rate me on the scale of 10 points.

missmaster · 06:16 AM

Hi Jasmeet,

Ok your headline is much better now. Still not brilliant but much better than it was.

I'd still take away the bold highlighting as it does nothing for the copy the way it's been done.

I'm not clear on what this is: email, postcard, direct mail?

Some suggestions:

- You'd do well to add some descriptive content on the actual watches themselves, not to mention the free gifts you talk about. Try to impart a sense of quality to the watches.
- Having addresses on the back is not gonna get people to buy your watches. You have to remember that people don't need to buy your products, you have to make them want to buy and one way of doing that is to make it easy for them to order. In short, write an order form.
- It's still not clear how people get themselves that necklace even if they don't buy a watch, you need to develop this a bit. In fact, I would even extend this to the headline: 'Get your free Motomo necklace just for taking a minute to read this!' or whatever. Include a separate flyer on how to claim their free necklace.

As it stands, I'd give it 5/10, maybe 6 at a push.

Don't lose faith, some of the best copywriters out there rewrite their copy several times and are still not happy with it!

Hope this helps.

PS Eric Engel made an excellent point:

Quote:

Depending on how big your list is, I would chop it down and take the money you save to hire a copywriter. You'll get a higher response with the money you spend on a copywriter, and you can use the money you make off sales to widen your list again.

Something to think about. You can get all the advice you want on here but it will never replace hiring a decent copywriter to do the job.

jasmeet singh · **Re: Direct Mailer Copy -** 05-20-2008, 07:54 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by missmaster

Hi Jasmeet,

Ok your headline is much better now. Still not brilliant but much better than it was.

I'd still take away the bold highlighting as it does nothing for the copy the way it's been done.

I'm not clear on what this is: email, postcard, direct mail?

Some suggestions:

- You'd do well to add some descriptive content on the actual watches themselves, not to mention the free gifts you talk about. Try to impart a sense of quality to the watches.
- Having addresses on the back is not gonna get people to buy your watches. You have to remember that people don't need to buy your products, you have to make them want to buy and one way of doing that is to make it easy for them to order. In short, write an order form.
- It's still not clear how people get themselves that necklace even if they don't buy a watch, you need to develop this a bit. In fact, I would even extend this to the headline: 'Get your free Motomo necklace just for taking a minute to read this!' or whatever. Include a separate flyer on how to claim their free necklace.

As it stands, I'd give it 5/10, maybe 6 at a push.

Don't lose faith, some of the best copywriters out there rewrite their copy several times and are still not happy with it!

Hope this helps.

PS Eric Engel made an excellent point:

Something to think about. You can get all the advice you want on here but it will never replace hiring a decent copywriter to do the job.

All that boldness appeared by mistake here, I didn’t kept anything in bold I tried to rectified and post it again, but it appeared the same kindly ignore the boldness it has nothing to do with the copy. Whole type is in normal font. I really appreciate the honest feedback given by you. I am really working hard to improve on my copywriting skills, I am advertising student and aspiring copywriter.

it's a two fold Direct Mailer

missmaster · **Re: Direct Mailer Copy -** 05-20-2008, 07:59 AM

No problem. Glad I could help. (there's always the little green button at the top of people's posts if you felt they were of particular value to you!)

You're in the right place if you wanna learn about copywriting.

Read top copywriters' works, that'll give you something to aim for.

clearCrisp · **Re: Direct Mailer Copy -** 05-20-2008, 06:17 PM

Jasmeet,

Clearly, there's a goldmine of advice on this thread so far.

As you revise your copy, ask whether a given phrase, clause or adjective is absolutely necessary to making the sale. If it's not, cut it out.

For example...

...Balmain Watches, from the stable of the world’s largest watch-making conglomerate, the Swatch Group.

It may be you're trying to inspire confidence and a sense of reliability based on Swatch Group's sheer size. But will your list care? Possibly, they'll take "conglomerate" as cold and impersonal.

If you know they like and trust Swatch, mention Swatch Group in friendlier terms.

Something along the lines of...

Balamin Watches, a high-end member of Swatch Group, one of the world's most recognized and trusted brands.