What Da Heck Is Going On Here. Do You Want To Make Me Relent? Please Some One Do The Review For Me And Let Me Know The Performance. I Learn Here Every Day. Review Please.

Alrighty then.

Basically your first problem is the fact that the copy talks about 'we' 'us' 'our' a lot. Not interesting for someone who needs it to be about them (basically everyone).

I'm not seeing very much 'what's in it for you' focus. Where's the benefits for the clients? Why should anyone bother being interested, nevermind clicking through?

You mention 'opportunities in drilling, refining,' etc. but you start with 'How Ready are you to invest in an oil economy'.

What do you want people to do here, it's not clear.

And it sounds unfocused: 'an oil economy' so, it could be anywhere?

All the facts and figures are nice but what's the reader meant to do with them? What should they mean to those readers?

Scrap this and start again.

Start with your best benefit as an attention-grabbing headline.

Make it interesting. Give readers a reason to read the whole thing.

And keep that attention throughout.

Remember this is about your readers, not you, your company or anyone else.

Keep in mind when you're rewriting this that it's all about them. What's in it for them?

No offence intended, just some free advice.

Sarah's suggestions are characteristically spot on.

Truth be told, the first thing this copy made me think of were those spam emails everyone and their grandmother got a few years ago having to do with Nigerians requesting money to stave off some kind of man-made or natural disaster.

AOTBE, this forces your copy to rise to a higher standard of credibility.

Start with a solid pre-head which guides the eye, mind and heart of the reader into your headline.

As such, neither the pre-head nor the headline should be a question. Especially a question they can answer with a, "No... OK, I'm outta here."

THANKS CLEARSCRIP AND MISSMASTER.

WILL AN HEADING LIKE THIS DO?



300 NEWLY DISCOVERED OIL RIGS IN NIGERIA!



hey there, does this heading makes more sense than the previous?

Couple of quick points.

Newly discovered "rigs" or "deposits" (or whatever you call it when it's still untapped underground or offshore)?

Rigs are man-made. To call them "discovered" doesn't make sense. You could say, "newly constructed."

If we're talking about something man-made, the number 300 makes sense. If not, consider Mother Nature rarely shares humankind's predilection for round numbers. And readers sense it even if they're not consciously aware of it.

It's good you've got a number (like 300) in there because "specificity = credibility."

But it's not enough. Can you attribute this statistic to a respected trade journal or newspaper or to a credible website... and date it?

If you do have a source and the number is not 300 but really 298, that's even better. In general, round numbers come across as less believable.

Finally, the second part of the headline still fails to tie this info back to the reader's self-interest.

You've mentioned what foreign companies need but what do I need? How do I come into the picture?

Get this connection established now or you'll lose them pronto.

Again, about specificity, can you mention these companies by name or by obvious descriptions like, "The largest oil company in Western Europe."?

THANKS CLEARCRISP,

THE COPY IS ACTUALLY INTENDED FOR FOREIGN COMPANIES THAT WILL COME INTO THE COUNTRY TO ESTABLISH OIL SERVICING COMAPNIES.

AND THE COPY IS ALSO INTENDED TO BE USED IN PAPER PRINT.


CHECK OUT THIS HEADING:


OPPORTUNITIES FOR ALL OIL SERVICING COMPANY TO COME DO BUSINESS IN THE COUNTRY



PRESENTLY WORKING ON THE SITE ARE CHEVRON, MOBIL , ELF..............................YOUR COMPANY CAN BE THE NEXT TO MOVE INTO THE COUNTRY FOR THIS BIG PROJECT.


OPPORTUNITIES IN DRILLING, REFINING, STORING.....................

Ah, context.

It raises all kinds of basic marketing questions.

Are we talking about oil-services companies like Halliburton, for example?

On whose behalf are you placing this copy in the publication?

And what can said company offer these oil service firms that they don't already have access to?

With these questions clarified, then it makes sense to talk about copy and how it's being presented (ie, as a advertorial / magalog, 1-page ad, etc.)

All the other comments were brilliant.

Just a quick point - and please this is not in anyway meant to be offensive.

But Nigeria and for that matter many other countries do have a slight reputation for "scams"

Usually done by zillions of spam emails.

So you might want to really, really build up the credibility of Nigerian Oil.

If it was me, in the copy or even a subhead I might say-

"The best thing about this - it's not a scam...because (and give a big reason why it isn't)"

In other words handle the objection - that many people might have.

Steve

Ahhhh - I've just noticed Eric has already mentioned this.

And it is good advice.


Steve