Heh. OK OK.

I just made some changes with the opening sentence. What do you think?

Copyguy

There are a ton of flaws in that sales letter...but before I go into it (I only have time to mention the most glaring ones)--I want to say you have a pretty good handle on sounding conversational. It's clear that you get it--and that gives you advantage.



Ok...now for the criticism:

• There is some very bad English in the letter. If English is not your first language, get a pro to edit and clean it up.
• I don't believe for one second that a 12 year old is writing that letter
• Who is your target audience? Why do they need to be hearing from a 12 year old?
• Your first testimonial praised this woman for product/services that have nothing to do with this sales letter
• When I start to read your bullet points I begin to see that you aren't offering anything radically different than other weight-loss nutritional programs (I guess this is an affiliate letter for USANA?)

I can come back later and look for more things, but for now..that's it

For the 1st testimonial, I do it because I feel it is relevant to the sales letter. That woman (Ninindi) is the one who is selling the stuff.

I am "telling a story" through a 3rd person perspective (Amanda - the storyteller)

For target audience... yeah... I admit, that testimonial is not suitable for my target audience (though, the product can be used for everyone)

You're correct. (Australian market)

And Suzanne, the reason why I keep coming back to get myself getting critiqued is because I really want to be a copywriter.

And you really hit me hard, ya know?

Hi Copyguy,

Each word in a sales letter must have a reason for being there... otherwise conversion suffers.

The main headline isn't bad (if you're allowed to make guarantees of weight loss in your market).

But the pre-head could be stronger.

Pre-heads should flow into the main headline gracefully. Having it end with an ellipsis would help. And putting it in italics also helps drive the eye forward.

As such, having it in question form makes it less hypnotic right from the start. Also, it's too vague and cliched to have the impact it's striving for.

One way to solve this problem is to use some of the content from your first set of bullets. (BTW, "magic pill" doesn't add anything new to "diet pill.")

For example, something along the lines of...

If you're finally fed up with so-called magic pills and bogus gizmos...

Hi

I'm (coincidentally enough) writing for the diet industry in Aus, but just starting on the project so bear with me. But I can confirm that you can't guarantee a result, but you can offer a permanent solution I believe, unlike the US.

The best place for you to start would be here:
Samples of Weight Loss Ads

Great headlines and advice, esp on the psychology behind weight loss. Also have a look at www.hardtofindads.com and you'll find many more successful headlines and letters on weight loss.

I agree with previous comments on the first testimonial. Either remove it or make it more obvious that you're introducing Nindini. And, BTW who the hell is Nindini anyway? You have to PROVE to me that this person knows what she's talking about. She could be a world renowned professor in the fields of diets, or some stay at home mother who's selling vitamins to her friends. Build credibility.

The start is a bit clumsy. Why start off telling me what the product is NOT? Try launching straight into it the way you did it after that bit. Just go straight for..."If you're sick of losing weight, only to put it straight back on again, or you want your partner to look at you the way he used to again, or ...... then this is the most important message you'll ever read."

Beef up your guarantee too. Put it in a big box. You could say that she's so confident that you'll lose weight that if you havent lost any weight and feel more energised after only 3 days, she DEMANDS that you get your money back. <insert more proof>... and so she KNOWS it works.

Picky I know, but numbers in 7 are better than 8 (except for the Asian market) so maybe $137 instead of $138.

All in all, it still doesnt read brilliantly. Read it aloud yourself and you'll see what I mean. If you trip up, or try to say something other than what you've written down, then fix it. Imagine that you're saying those exact words to an overweight person directly in front of you. Is that what you'd say?