Hey guys...long time lurker I have been ghostwriting for a while but have recently started studying copy for hours on end.

I've started writing this copy for a make money online product for a client who was kind enough to give a first timer a shot...

It's not complete but I'd like to know if I'm on the right page...I'm feeling butterflies about doing this wrong

Any feedback is very appreciated!

It's at: Internet Profit Method

Thanks guys...be very honest

ps. by the way, there are three tester headlines at the top...please focus on those if they are awful!

EDIT: just so you know what's missing...I haven't detailed what the offer includes (it's different than what's at the bottom there, I was writing on his old template), I need to add in graphics as well...etc.

The headline's are too generic. You need to dig deeper and communicate why this is different...

Scanning through the copy it suffers the same way. It's too generic. You could use this copy for any "make money" ebook almost without changing a word.

Dig deep and find your hook.

Thanks for the feedback guys The first headline was his original so I'm going to leave that...but I tweaked the other two with what I believe is the hook...catering to people who just can't focus and stick to one thing online. I tried to convey the focus/mindset thing in the copy as well...does anyone has any suggestions for doing a better job of that?

Thanks so much! You guys are great

Jenn, here's what I see...

1. The formatting is really bad. You have triple and quadruple spaces all over the place, it's wierd looking.

2. You actually have like 3 headlines, it's WAY to much. I can see a headline and a compelling sub-head but dang, you're going to give Mr. Suble a heart attack. He may just stop visiting this forum after seeing this headline.

3. Your testimonials are crowding your body copy. Not only do they have 10 spaces between them, but they have no place where they are. I recommend re-doing them altogether and putting them on the right side of the website and sprinkle them throughout the website from top to bottom.

4. You have spelling mistakes. I know some on this board act like it doesn't matter but is DOES. Normally people who think it doesn't matter only see promotions going to HIGHLY targeted/responsive lists who are proven to buy and really just need a BUY NOW button. But for this, you need to fix your spelling and look professional.

4. The copy is a whole nother issue but it does need work. But by just skimming the copy I found a ton of stuff wrong. Here's just a few things...

You said...

"I'm very passionate about this method. That's because it's what I use every single day. Listen, I'm literally handing you the keys to how I successfully run my business online. I stand by this stuff because it works!"

I would never say "I stand by this stuff". You can do better with your wording here.


You said...

"If you were offered a step-by-step way to create an online business from scratch that is easy to do, gets rid of your focus problems, and brings in enough money to completely change your life style would you want to use it?"

You started your letter out with this paragraph but you'll lose a ton of people simply by the bad questions you asked. The whole paragraph isn't bad, just the "gets rid of your focus problems" is. You're going to have a ton of people shaking their head NO on this question.

There's a lot of people who DO want to create an online business and make enough money to change their life, but a lot of these people do NOT feel they have focus problems and don't care to improve that aspect of their lives. So here, you need to take that part of the question out.


You said...

"Or maybe you have already quit your job and you have to make this online thing work."

90% of the people who already quit their job to go fulltime already know how to make the online "thing" work. You really need to choose different wording here. You're talking to entreprenuers. Be specific and don't use words like "online thing" to people who are looking to you to change their life. They want EXACTS and SPECIFIC APPLICABLE advice. You talk like it's just a hobby and like you really don't know what you're talking about.

Anyways, I could go on and on about the copy but I think you get the point.

You have a lot of work to do but keep pressin', you'll get it!

Thanks Ricky! I'm going to go through each of your points but I wanted to quickly say that there are three headlines for testing purposes, to give the client options...they won't be there on the client's page, that would be insane, lol.

Thank you for your suggestions

Jenn,

I agree with the other posters. The layout is terrible. Even for a crit, I think you should try to get the layout looking nice because, whether we believe it or not, it prejudices our opinion.

My problem is with what you're calling your "hook". Your prospect not having focus is not a hook. That may well be your product's unique selling point, but it's not a hook.

That means your headlines all need to start over AFTER you come up with a real hook.

Rather than trying to tell you how to find a hook, look at a master, John Carlton.

John Carlton’s Big Damn Blog » Blog Archive » Fishing For Hooks

Thanks for the heads up on the difference, I'll have to rethink all of that. As for the formatting, oi...lol. I read something that said to vary the amount of white space and have a lot of white space to break it up and make it look interesting to the reader who is scanning...what am I missing the boat on? Should it all be exactly evenly spaced...closer together...?

Jenn,

Ricky mentioned spelling mistakes. Be sure to use capital and lowercase correctly with company names. AdSense not Adsense. ClickBank not Clickbank.

The possibility of a hook around "trying to stay focused" sounds intriguing.

All the more reason to be a ruthless editor when it comes to the word, "that."

Using it has a way of breaking the very spell you're trying to weave. It forces the mind to "come up for air" and make a connection between two concepts or clauses rather than continuing ahead full throttle.

For folks with trouble focusing, "that" may not be the best choice of words...

Warm regards,

Wow, thanks Eric! That was very constructive and helpful I'm going to make a lot of the changes you and others suggested tomorrow. I'm really loving how helpful this board is. Hopefully in a year I can look back on my first letter attempt (the first draft of it) and say...what a newbie I was I'm learning fast though and I'm going to work with my client to hit this one out of the park. Thanks again everyone!