Hi I just did an ad copy for a fictitious laptop called Bellinger 2000. Can somebody look over it for me please? See below



Grab Bellinger2000 Now!
For 50% Discount

Are you one of those people who says to himself” I could use a computer that I can carry wherever I go”?
Not to worry! The world-famous PC manufacturer Bellinger has come out with a very hot laptop Bellinger 2000. This version is sure to make life so easy that you’ll forget your desktop in a hurry. Bellinger2000 also has impressive features that will make you marvel; and all of this for a slashed price of $400.00 from the original $800.00 price tag.
Here is what you will be enjoying:

• A perfect screen size of 12.1 inches
• A brilliant matrix display which makes for sharper image illustration
• Smooth keyboard that goes easy on your fingers and wrist
• A flawless 1 gig hard drive
• A Network Card
• A TV Card(if you’re a TV junkie)
• A lifetime warranty

.And it doesn’t end here. We’re willing to let you try it out for 30 days, and if it doesn’t meet your expectations, we’ll give you your money back.
To order:
·Call 1-800-6552356
If you experience any problems:
·Send an email to support@bellinger.com

It's not benefit driven. You would do better to work out a persona design based around a likely customer ...then write the copy to a human being with real desires.

You've somewhat started on this with ”I could use a computer that I can carry wherever I go” Unfortunately, nothing about the copy relates back to this person asking this question. Rather, you're writing from the point of view of old mister Bellinger, the company owner.

"A perfect screen size of 12.1 inches" ....perfect for who, exactly? ....for what reason? It's pretty much all like that. You don't translate features into benefits. It's barely as if you've ever used a computer, because you don't seem to relate to the problems or their solutions.

And this is a fictional computer that can actually be anything and suit any purpose?! Computer developer are horrible at marketing and copywriting. ....This bodes ill.

If you can't understand the customer, don't even bother writing copy. First thing ”I could use a computer that I can carry wherever I go” brings to mind is the fragility of notebooks. What makes a notebook buyer fearful -- dropping the darned thing. You could pay hundreds of dollars -- minimum -- and lose it in an instant.

Doesn't that kinda, sorta, maybe fit in with your "go anywhere" premise ...huh?

Check out Panasonic Toughbooks Designed to go anywhere. Can your imaginary computer -- limited only by your imagination -- do this? How about copywriting ....would you love to have a client with a lick of sense enough to design a page that looks like this. Sure, all the clickthroughs are horrible, and should all be out on one page, but you take what you can get.

Not so good ...and still head and shoulders above Bellinger. When you get the tar beaten out of your fictional laptop by real life ...that's an accomplishment.

In all this is like the "before" instead of the "after." You'll have to demonstrate an authentic understanding of dropped wireless connections and a dozen other headaches I don't see in this version.

Finally, nobody needs a copywriter to slash prices 50% in order to get a sale. Hint: ....The only reason you're going to get hired is to keep clients from radically slashing prices. (Your fictional prospective employer should fire you for that).

As for a fictional computer being used for improving your copywriting skill ...don't you think it would demonstrate more "skillfulness" to figure out how not to slash prices by a full 50%?!?!?!?!

Related Reading:
How True-X Technology Works is what your research materials from your fictional company should look like. It has a hidden strategic differentiator for you to figure out. Much better for a copywriting exercise. If you're going to be a technical copywriter ...sorry, but you're going to have to understand something about technology.

John's comments are good tough love.

Just for giggles, I ran a grade level check on the Bellinger copy and the Panasonic snippet.

Bellinger comes in at 7.5. The Panasonic drops it down to 6.0.

Higher grade levels suggest the copy is too wordy. AOTBE, confused readers opt to do nothing rather than buy.

For example, "The world-famous PC manufacturer Bellinger has come out with a very hot laptop Bellinger 2000."

All fluff. The company names appears twice in the same sentence. Already, that's too taxing on the reader's brain.

And then there are the adjectives that raise sales resistance. Like "world-famous" and "hot." These words don't support a benefit and so they don't move the sale along.

Take John's advice. Plus, get the grade level under 6. If you do both, you'll kick butt.

Now that laptops are everyday technology, writing to this level should not be too hard.

The headline is flat lining. There is no reason why element to the reduced price. There aren't any mentally tangible benefits aimed specifically at a target audience. Bullets are weak and the risk reversal is wimpy. And what's with the support email and talk about possible problems with the product?

EDIT: I almost forgot...what's with using "himself" in the first sentence after the headline. Or anywhere in the ad for that matter (depending on audience demographics). Potential kiss of death right off the bat.

Can any one direct to a site about samples of copywriting? I'd like to study them

thanx

Kaymeis

Simply? I believe the offer here is the most important part of this advertisement followed by proof.

A laptop for $400? Who wouldn't continue to read!

Offer draws the consumers eyes to continue reading and then the proof (better be powerful!) validates that the the offer had substance which you would follow by hammering the benefits which creates your final call to action.

My two cents.

Also, this may be one of those perfect situations in which a celebrity endorsement can create the credibility you might need to move this product. (check with the manufacture)

Of course the celebrity has to be admired by your target market.

Example: "George Soros uses the Bellinger 2000 while traveling - even from France to New York. If it's good enough for Mr. Soros then...."

Anybody know a site with copywriting samples? I'd reaaly appreciate that

thanx

Ask that on a copywriting forum ...with a perfectly good Search function, and you've got bigger problems to deal with.

First off, you might want to check the perfectly good link to the Panasonic ToughBooks site, and read the other twenty paragraphs of copy ...the stuff I didn't conveniently place right in front of you and highlight.

While not stellar, it's a start.

At bare minimum, every third signature of the people posting here have links to reports and pages with samples from the classics. (That "signature" would be the little blurb you'll find at the bottom of posts, below the dashed line)

Please go to hardtofindads.com and read every last ad. Twice. Then write them all out, longhand. Twice.