Every day I am going to create a headline and lead for a product or service (see my other post titled: Help - 100 day headline exercise).

I would love to hear your thoughts.

Would you please take a look at what I've written below and rate it on a scale of 1-4?

4 = "Great! I have to read more" and
1 = "No thanks. Not interested. Clayton should fire you!"

Also, please give a reason why you rated the headline/lead as you did and share one or two ideas on how to improve it.

Thanks.
Harun



In this urgent investor bulletin, you’ll learn:

• Four Simple Steps You Can Take To Immediately Protect Your Retirement …

• How To Rack Up Huge Gains Of Up To 278% Thanks To These Six Super-Hot Stocks You MUST Own Right Now …

• Plus … Avoid These Seven Investor Mistakes That Could Cripple Your Profits This Year …

• And much more!

Dear Fellow Investor,

With the Dollar at its lowest level of purchasing power ever …

With a recession on the lips of every talking head on TV …

With the Feds running the printing presses at full steam pumping out an unprecedented amount of un-backed dollar bills …

The writing is on the wall!

Our great country is quickly going to hell in a handbag and if we don’t do something about it, they’ll take our hard-earned retirement with them.

The good news is that there is a little know investment that is quietly making a small, privileged few a fortune.

This investment vehicle has everything that smart investors look for.

Oops, I forgot to give a quick background on the piece.

This would obviously be targeted to investors.

After reading I felt it might have been enough to stop at... The Writing Is On The Wall

After that I felt it a bit of overkill to such a point that I might as well give up and take out the spatula and cover myself with grout

Ok a bit descriptive I know.

Anyway at that point I might go with some lyric like this for paradox since you've set up a lot of gloom and doom:



The Writing Is On The Wall.

IT SAID $$$$.

That's why if you've ever imagined you could make a fortune in the stockmarket...It's Time To Accept Your Destiny!

Because now is your one chance to make it happen faster than you'd normally think you should be allowed to and it's all legal.

That is unless Hilliary Clinton gets to change the rules in 6 months.

So if you hesitate and fail to jump on these weekly super hot stock picking ideas your dreams of fortune could be replaced by days of more taxes and death to your nest egg.

Being from sobe and benefitting from the wet pen dry pen rule i am right off the copywriting boat but Don Subtle impressive how you came up with relevant graphic so fast but enough about you although i think you want it too be all about you in cool way.

Ok copycub wanted some ideas so this came while watching reruns of That's So Raven it may lead to inspiration:

Learn The Winning Formula Of One-In-A-Million Fortunes Staying On Top Of Covering News Of Stock Market Moves That Deposit Cash Into Your Bank Account While Ignoring Dumb Financial Advice From Ben Stein And Other Late Night Tv Talking Heads

Subtle, I love your graphics and sense of humor!

I would love to watch a camtasia video of you doing graphics. I have no doubt that it would be very entertaining.

You could learn a lot from HarunBahri

In this urgent investor bulletin, you’ll learn: A passable headline

• How To Rack Up Huge Gains Of Up To 278% Thanks To These Six Super-Hot Stocks You MUST Own Right Now …

• Plus … Avoid These Seven Investor Mistakes That Could Cripple Your Profits This Year …
  
  Copy that will kill response.

• The best headline for the page.

No, this would work better....no quotes, no exclamation's & black ink.

I happened to like this:

Four Simple Steps You Can Take To Immediately Protect Your Retirement …

As for this suggestion:


It took this old brain too much effort to parse it. Compare? Ugh, sounds like work -- you lost me right there.

I agree..."Death of the Dollar" is a snoozer.

Could go somewhat newsy, like:

"WARNING: The Plans Fed Chairman Ben Bernanke Has To Suck The Life Out Of Your Hard-Earned Savings"

or, maybe,

"WARNING: Fed Chairman Ben Bernanke Plans To Suck The Life Out Of Your Hard-Earned Savings"


The second line of your headline:

How to Protect Yourself from Bernanke and the Feds Plot to Assassinate Your Nest Egg

"assassinate your nest egg" ???? YUK!!!

You're trying to be waaaaayyy too cute.

It occurs to me to consider this: in copy, we are supposed to talk like our prospects. Does this apply to our headlines, too ? I think it's worth considering!

Live JoyFully!

Judy Kettenhofen, Protit Strategist/Copywriter
NextDay Copy

Hey! What happen to day 2 and 3? Here's a friendly tip... next time start this thread on day 101 of your exercise.