Ok, I need some help.. I read this over and over and think I have a great idea, but it seems to need to be tweaked. Can you all take a look at this and give me your opinion?

I've created a down and dirty page to put the post that you can at least see it before it goes up on the blog... any suggestions would be appreciated.

What's The Cost Of Living Have to Do With Sleep Apnea?

Thanks in advance for the tips...

Shame no-one's come to help you out yet, so I'll give it a shot.

Your headline doesn't really encourage people to read on. It's not attention-grabbing enough.

The percentage figure you mentioned is probably going to pull more people in than the headline you have. 80-something percent of people are worried about cost of treatment, or whatever you had there.

I think you spend too long explaining the cost of living/business, instead of getting straight into the subject with some hard-hitting stats or bold questions.

I do like your idea of 'cost of non-treatment', I think you could develop that further, make it a focal point.

Your costs list is nice too but you should develop it to look a little more pleasing to the eye, easier to read, ya know? A table or something, maybe?

And including an after-thought in the form of a PS is never a bad idea either.

Hope this helps.

Wait, this is for a blog post? Hope your subscribers don't get p*ssed at having an ad to read instead of a normal post!

Dr. Greenburg,

Without a doubt, Sarah's advice is what the doctor ordered.

If it's a blog post, it should be much shorter. As a blog post, its job is to perform a pre-sales activity.

Done well, it loosens up the reader for a sale later on.

As such, you can drive them to a full blown sales page with appropriately placed links.

About length, it wouldn't lose anything if it started from, "Sometimes doing nothing will cost more than..." What's more, it has the effect of dropping the grade level of the copy significantly.

BTW, the parallel to auto maintenance is easy for anyone to understand and should be developed more.

Having been cured of sleep apnea myself, I'd be mighty interested to see where this leads.

I don't know your market well enough to know if this is the right direction...so I'll comment strictly on the style and copy itself.

Your sentences are way too long. Cut them into thirds, and don't say in 5 words what you could say in 2. This isn't a novel. It's copy.

I think someone mentioned above that you're dilly dallying with the main point. Just get to it. I don't need a reminder that the price of gas is high. Besides, the price of gas doesn't ACTUALLY tie in with your point.

The first half of your letter could be put into 1 paragraph.

PS - notice how short my sentences are. They were easy to read and they kept your attention...didn't they.