Right now I'm kicking butt and taking names.

Since January (around three months) I've already made more money than I have in seven months last year, but right now I need your help.

All of my business thus far is from cold-calling on businesses and word-of-mouth advertising. For the record, I will soon be sending out direct mail letters and advertising through other means... it's already in the works.

In between putting together an IM product and some of my down-time (hardly), I've been creating an authority-style website.

The copy is in its' begining stages and is very rough at the moment.

My target market is property management companies, electrical contractors, construction companies, and people who are in charge of hiring service providers for small commercial buildings to large high-rise buildings in the Houston metro-plex.

I'm looking for critiques on the look and feel of the website template I created and also the draft copy still in progress.

Not begging for major handouts here from some of you "experts", just a few tips here and there would be nice.

As you know, when you're this close to the copy you sometimes leave crucial pieces out. It can be easy to overlook essential elements needed.

Also, some of you grammar experts may want to chime in as well. I suck at grammar, so there may be things that I'm doing wrong.

I'm concerned about grammar because some of the people looking at this website will be professionals with higher forms of education than the writer of this copy.

I should also mention that I will be creating various links (on the left of the page) for very specific parts of this business because each service is a little different and has different target markets.

Example...

When I'm selling the installation service portion, the people most likely to read this page will be in the construction and electrical trades. The voice of the copy will be very different than speaking to property management people about their inspection services, so overall this main page has to cover many different services (without having to mention them specifically).

Installations
Repair Services
Inspections
Consultations

I should also say that my wordage in this copy has very specific keyword sprinkled withing the copy for SEO reasons. In other words, if you feel some redundancy in my vocabulary, this might be why.

How do you feel about the weather feed? Distracting? Should it go away? I put it there as a local sticky, but I don't think it is something I should keep because it may distract from the copy.

Feeling frisky? Have at it!

Here's the broken link (taken out to prevent spiders):
HoustonFireSafety (dot net)

Hi Stephen,

Glad to lend a hand. I'll give you a few suggestions so that others may join in and give their insights too.

1. Watch page loading speed. If the page takes too long (13 seconds or longer), you'll lose a lot of prospects... especially if they are not using high-speed internet access.

2. I'd put the video (if it's done) at the top of the page.

3. Right now, your "top of the fold" real estate isn't being used well at all. That's the part of the first page you can see without scrolling. Mind you, I'm using my laptop with a 15" screen as my desktop crashed on Friday (still rebuilding it) but the lowest point I can see is the top edge of your photo.

4. I'd worry less about SEO optimization at this point and more on using the strongest copy you can. SEO ranking is going to vary from keyword to keyword so you might as well get the copy where it's going to convert as many prospects that see it at once.

SEO rules can change on a moments notice, so unless you want to be constantly monitoring that and tweaking your copy appropriately, I wouldn't worry about it.

You can always use things like PPC, article marketing, etc. to pull more traffic.

5. Your opening headline needs work. Without reading the full salesletter more than once, I don't know what the biggest hot buttons for your prospects might be.

Suppose it's cheap price. You could use a headline like this:

"How To Get 5 Star Fire Alarm Monitoring at Bargain Basement Prices"

Hope that helps,

Mike

Hey Buddy, I'll chime in for you...

1. Your copy SUCKS!
2. You have no future!
3. Don't quit your day job! (Oh, wait, this is your day job)

Ok, I'm TOTALLY kidding!

I'll be serious now...

I think it's going to be a nice looking site. It's clean, sharp. Nice design.

Here are a couple things I would work on.

1. The headline - it's got 1 too many "yours" in it. But the thing to me is I think it needs to stir up some fear by addressing the consequence of dealing with the other guys. Those emails were very powerful. (they had me wanting to call you, and I don't live in Houston and don't have a building!)

I would come up with a headline from one of those "concepts" (i.e. being left unprotected or being held hostage by the fire alarm company).

2. You lead - again, I think if you change the headline, this will follow. I'd elaborate on the risk and continue to stir the fear. I'm not sure I'd put "problem solved" under the emails without elaboration. You could use the curiosity, though, to help boost your opt-in ("to see how I solved this problem for good, be sure to sign up for my free newsletter below") Something like that.

3. I'd move the video closer to the top (but you may already be planning on doing that)

4. Be sure to make your contact info front and center and really easy to see.

Anyway, those are the big things I see. I know you've been working real hard getting this business off the ground. Kudos to that. I think this site is going to fantastic.

Talk to you later, pal.

Awesome stuff guys, keep em coming!

BTW Chris, loved your first three bullets. I really need that to keep my massive ego in check.

Also, if anyone has any better ideas on how I should structure this template, please show me good examples.

I like Eric Grahams template, but the code makes it too hard to steal.

Hi,
so my friend, here is my modest vision, please believe in my respect and sympathy.

1)the template:
the choice of the color make it hard to stay a long time in this page.
I am about the gray color, and the dark left side.
and the fire color of the header.

what about a more relaxing blue ?

2)the code:
the page is HTML formated, I meand what about an Xhtml one, a better code a better SEO.

may be this will help : link1 link2

3)the copy:

"Problem solved!", the question is HOW!!

my friend hope that this will help.

I agree, how you code your page will improve your load time and quite possibly SEO.

You're right, the weather report is irrelevant and distracting. But so is the header, and my guess is so will any navigation links which seem planned for the side bar.

First, I'd see if there weren't something like reprints from 1) Articles your client has done for trade journals, establishing authority (these can be excepted so the user can scan). 2) Headlines about fires that could have been prevented by a fire alarm. 3) Google mashup of fire sites, an infographic, or anything relevant to the product.

The headline is indirect. There's the word you, but not the "point of you." Also the headline is overshadowed by the header. I suggest you heed the advice Your DESIGN may be costing you thousands of dollars... Learn from my mistake.

In fact, that's a nice idea generator for a headline "As told by a former customer of one of our competitors..."

The layout makes me want to run out and hire the web designer ...not good when web design isn't the product.

Once you get your baseline I think you'll get some good results by making a clearer visual flow through rethinking the top part of the page. Visually the headline should catch my eye first. Right now the header, headline, yellow box and lead-in "If you have any involvement..." are all fighting it out for attention. There should be no doubt in the reader's mind what to read first, and there is here.

Take a hint from your own site and enforce a clear visual hierarchy.

Hi Stephen,

Seems to me you can get to the point much faster.

Disconnect from "copywriters mode" and go into practical mode: What can you tell people that will benefit their decision making process RIGHT NOW?

Facts, how-to's and things to get them the solution (fire safety) they're looking for fast.

I would use some crucial educational points that stand out, and basically guide them towards the best possible decision.

Good luck!

Greets,
Erik

Good suggestions, but this makes no sense. If the web design is good the product is good too. How's that saying now again Mr.Subtle.. That one from Ogilvy? I totally digg that.

Good luck with the site Stephen.

It's a nice template, I think the header is making a purpose too.

Peace
Peace

Stephen, I don't know a whole lot but I'll humbly add my 2 cents:

1. I stumbled on your headline when I read "Life Safety". Is that a term that is used in this field? I ask because I have background working in industry with OSHA standards and such and I've never heard "safety" referenced as "life safety". Maybe I misread or am ignorant of the usage here.

2. Instead of "Problem Solved!" why not say "See Testimonial #1" where you -- strike that -- your satisfied customer demonstrates those superior selling points that makes you head and shoulders above your competition.

I like the look of the webpage. It's clean.

Stephen,

I don't normally offer my opinions, however, my best friend from High School died in a fire in Oakland, CA, so this is a subject close to my heart.

First thing, you have a very specific area, therefore, you shouldn't concern yourself with SEO, you need to get BRAND recognition (goes against many here), but you want to "own" Houston, eh?

You've written an "attack" ad against your competitors, but you are throwing snowballs from behind the pine trees; your point is that you offer a better experience, mainly via customer service. When you do an ad like this and don't name names, and do the square dance, it is like listening to a presidential candidate spin their version of a gov't funded bailout. Just doesn't ring true. Nothing to hang on to.

The good thing is you have identified your target markets and you have them segmented. The one thing that binds these segments together is Fire Safety...they are all involved with FIRE SAFETY.
********************************** As an example:

In 2007 the Houston Fire Department responded to 20,526 Automatic Alarms, however,

they didn't respond to the alarms that were not working...is yours?

The Houston Fire Department is one of the best in the world, but even they can not save the day if your fire alarm isn't working properly. A good fire alarm has to:

Be Installed Correctly.
Be inspected and maintained regularly.
Be repaired rapidly.

It is one of the most important ways to protect your business, your buildings, your customers and clients. A properly installed and properly working alarm is your best insurance against loss of property, loss of income and most importantly loss of life.

Your fire alarm should be much better than your liability insurance is OR, it could cost you everything you own and cherish.

Sadly, our industry has become lazy and complacent and if you've had to deal with Fire Safety issues, you probably have encountered these problems:

-Your current fire alarm company says they can squeeze you in...NEXT WEEK
-Your current fire alarm company wants an additional $195.00 an HOUR to repair your alarm, the one they installed
-Your current fire alarm company has other jobs and are spread too thin, and they won't meet YOUR DEADLINES.
***************************************End.

Stephen, there is a faster way to get to your point...you have a lot of "read" in that site...what do you say to people when you cold call?

You've had some great success, consider putting your cold call sales pitch into words.

Do you walk in and say:

When It Comes To Life Safety and Fire Protection For
Your Houston Area Your Business, You Deserve A Dependable, Trustworthy Fire Alarm Company ...If you have any involvement in hiring service-providers for your business, it's crucial that you (listen) to every word of this very important message...Your business may depend on it!

I doubt it.

My advice, and opinion is to go back to the drawing board. Create a "Diagrigm" (drawing and paradigm)...of your TARGETs...put as many things down on paper as you can think of.

You've been going like gangbusters, your TESTIMONIALS will be KEY to what you are trying to do. The David vs. Goliath approach can work, but David had better have slayed many a giant and have proof. Your customers provide that.

Feel free to prove me wrong, and test as you wish, but I think that you need a lot more work on that site before it is shown to your prospects. Good luck, it is an important product, LIFE saving product...and yet I don't get that from your site.

Loss of life, property and a business due to a PREVENTABLE cause is not only heart wrenching; it's downright criminal and disgusting. You need to push your prospect's pain button a little bit more.

Reminds me of the old "you can pay me now, or you can pay me later" ad that ran for years. The cure for future pain (and Houston offers everyday examples) is to get the job done right from the get go.

Intended to help Stephen,

gjabiz

PS. On April 1, 2008 at 08:42 the Houston Fire Department responded to an Automatic Alarm. I'm sure that some time this week, the HFD will put out a fire that destroys a building that does NOT have an automatic alarm...more food for thought.