Please critique my sales letter at:

More Than Millions Ecourse

The sales letter is for a course the will be an attachment to an email sent twice a month. Besides researched information about the Law of Attraction, I will be including my practical experiences and the experiences of others. The course will last 12 months at $10 a month.

As I say in the sales letter, I have been using the Law of Attraction for more than just making money. I am a teacher. Some students in my classes were very noisy and unruly. I felt really stressed after those classes. After turning the problem over to God and visualizing calm, quiet classes with attentive students, I got them! Like I say in the letter, all the kids did not magically change overnight. The classes were rearranged because some of the kids graduated to an upper level. The kids I still have are behaving much better.
I visualized the OUTCOME I wanted, not how it would happen.

I really like the phrase "Are you following your passion or your pocketbook?" I think most people will understand the meaning. I like to use common words that almost everyone understands. I saw a sales letter sample that used the word "bonify." I still haven't looked it up to see what it means.

The part about not using the Law of Attraction properly to get good results happened to me. During that time my car was stolen. I am teaching overseas. My son had to have the cat taken to a storage place. Someone there somehow changed the title and stole the car. I didn't put this in the sales letter, but it will probably be in the course. I just took for granted that everything would be all right with the car because I wasn't using it. I don't know how to add a fear factor to the sales letter, because we are using the Law of Attraction all the time unintentionally. Negative thoughts can bring negative events. I don't want to feed skepticism, but to eliminate skepticism. This is one area I need help with.

I appreciate any constructive criticism you can give to make the readers feel compelled to buy the course. Thank you.
Kaye Fenley

Hi,

Here are a few thoughts for your sales letter/landing page. BTW, I love your product concept – I totally buy into the idea of follow your passion.

Your banner says More Than Millions – then you repeat it in your eyebrow. I'd just go with the "Receive Lessons In Your Inbox".

Usually it's not the greatest idea to lead with a question, but like you, I love your "Are You Following Your Passion or your Pocketbook?" Why not make this your red headline, then make your current headline into the subhead?

And perhaps your sub-subhead would be a tad stronger if you added a How in front of it? Just a thought.

Your text is a tad small on my computer for comfortable reading. Maybe you could try bolding a phrase/first sentence of each paragraph to help pull the reader into your text?

It would be good, since you are presenting yourself as the author, [BTW, you repeat yourself again in your "From Kaye Fenley" phrase] if you could add a photo of yourself. And the story you told in your post would also make a good lead-in. It's more specific and people would identify with it rather than just the general sentences in your first paragraph. Perhaps you could use each sentence in your original paragraph... to start separate paragraphs that tell your own story?

Like your use of a list – it visually breaks up your text blocks. Maybe you could indent it and use some kind of neat bullets instead of plain old numbers? And it would help if you could tease your readers about the solution you found for each of the listed problems.

One final thought: your text flows nicely, but it comes across as a tad wordy. Try tightening up/shortening your sentences and see where you go. This almost always helps.

And a second final thought: this is a lot about "I"... if I were you, I'd try to work the word "you" into every sentence – as much as possible. That's one big huge secret of successful copywriters – they use the all-important "you".

Also, think benefits. The reason I find this concept of follow your passion so compelling is that I get to LIVE my passion. What better benefit can you get? And hey! There's money in it, too! That sort of thing. Bring the benefits to life for your reader and you get a buyer.

Hope this helps,
Dot

P.S. – Your experiences help credentialize you; but if you could include testimonials, studies, etc., your message would be much more powerful.

P.P.S. – It's great that you have a guarantee – but it needs to be worded much stronger: First-time subscribers: Cancel within 30 days and receive a complete refund – no questions asked. That sort of thing. Then push your guarantee harder in your text – it's your prospects' safety net.