Here's one of my latest projects (for Stephen Pierce). I used a Cartlonesque headline and lead.

http://3-Bears.com/

And here's one for Stephen (and Jay Abraham):

http://www.abrahaminternetstrategies.com/?10371

Comments?

RE: 3-Bears

I realize the phrase "golfball-like" is used to give dimension to the tumor in order to grab attention at a gut level. See if this doesn't do the job, too.

Tumor = feelings of helplessness = despair, is the formula I'm working with, here.

Similarly, I know that the man's age is used to give depth and dimension to the 'character', it reads to me as though his age is part of his infirmed condition. You could still use it if you prefer, but appearing after the other two hyphenates sets it up as part of the illness since the first two are part of the illness.

I'll leave most of the formatting out on the first pass. In practice, I suggest Italics for the word "Humiliates" and an electric blue for the word "Analysts" (Hex #0000FF). Leave off the closing quote on the main headline and use a red asterisk that matches the adjoining red text. Then, to help drop attention down with no hesitation, use the same asterisk - size, color - where it picks up on the post headline.

Nearly Killed By A BRAIN TUMOR and driven by deep despair, Australian man discovers trading formula with an uncanny 70% success rate!

"How a Near-Blind, Bed-Ridden Man, Still Recovering And Forced to Work Under 20 Minutes a Day, Consistently Humiliates Industry Analysts In The Options And Futures Markets – By Banking 7 Winning Trades Out of 10*

*Now, Even With Absolutely No Experience You Can Too, Because This Simple 3-Step Software Does All The Work For You...



In practice, something like the following, but retain the yellow highlight you used on the 'real' page:



Nearly Killed By A BRAIN TUMOR and driven by deep despair, Australian man discovers trading formula with an uncanny 70% success rate!

"How a Near-Blind, Bed-Ridden Man, Still Recovering And Forced to Work Under 20 Minutes a Day, Consistently Humiliates Industry Analysts In The Options And Futures Markets – Banking 7 Winning Trades Out of 10*



*Now, Even With Absolutely No Experience You Can Too, Because This Simple 3-Step Software Does All The Work For You...



Peter Stone

Michel -

I know this is a weird question, but I need a "sheet of paper" graphic like you used on the 3-Bears site. Instead of "whipping one together" which will end of taking for-freaking-ever (because stuff like that always does), I thought I'd ask where you got that one from.

I find myself in the weird position of having more money than time right now (that's weird for me, anyway) and if that graphic is part of a package somewhere I'll just buy it.

Thanks.

Jay Jennings

...continued.

First, this would be a very difficult project for me. Honestly, I think it could be more convincing. It's based on something close to a Blackie story, but the guy lives. In a B story, the plausibility of the premise is in the finding of a finished system or thing. The character simply joins the seller and the thing he's selling. True to format, a Blackie story would go something like this: I suffered a family tradgedy and was homeless. I met an old man in the park. He treated me as his son and when he died, I found this lost manuscript in the attic. I turned it into software and I'm offering it to you for only...

I'm certain you know what a Blackie story is about, but some readers may not know.

Yours is an interesting twist, but jumps too quickly. Point "A" He's near death and desparate so he (Point "Z"):creates a trading system? What happened between "B" and "Y" that makes "Z" logical and plausible?


I managed to twist his arm and convinced him to not only release this system at an unheard-of, mind-blowing discount, but also throw in a copy of his software for free. Yes, 100% FREE!

What are the details on twisting his arm? Why did he 'finally' say yes?

Unable to work after suffering a life-threatening stroke, caused by a tumor (otherwise I'm left asking: "Did he have a stroke or a tumor?")


Doctors removed a huge tumor lodged in his brain, near his eyeballs (almost blinding him forever). But what was worse is that they told Michael he would never be able to work again.

The plausibility suffers. The part under "You See, Michael Had NO Choice But To
Find An Alternate Stream of Income...
... Because He Was Near Death!"

Might be better if it were moved to the lead, under "Dear Trader"

There are some contradictions in your copy - he could work for only an hour, but concentrate for 20 minutes. How could he do research? How could he work for an hour doing research while only able to concentrate for 20 minutes?

The structure is good. The white page lay-out I like a lot.

There's some credibility in the idea that this system has been around for a long time, used by stock brokers and so on. A friend of mine charts, but does it by hand. "The sophistication is in the software... The difficult part has all been done for you...".

If you find this valid feedback and want to work on this in some detail, I'm game. I didn't get to the other page.


Peter

"If you find this valid feedback." No, Peter. It's crap. A la John Reese. (Meaning it's great!). I'll tell you why... I've been writing 5 "rush jobs" in the last 2 weeks (yup, 5 long copy salesletters in 2 weeks!). So my eyes are getting blurry, I need sleep, and I'm writing copy that may or may not make sense .... Hence the feedback request

Jay, I'll send it to you by email if you want (the template I use). It's very easy to do (I used PaintShop Pro). Send me your email addy and I'll send you the template.

Let me guess, these two sales pages and 3 email support letters for a total of 5?

When is the deadline?

Peter

No. 5 separate projects --- 5 long copy salesletters (and 2-3 email support letters each). Actually, the Jay project consists of 2: One for the opt-in page (showed earlier) and the subsequent salesletter (thank you page) after people opt in. (That's a doosie ... 30+ pages, I think.)

Deadlines? The Jay one is done. The 3-Bears is tomorrow.

I'll take a look at it. My printer printed fine from page 25, down to and including page 13, then started printing what I suppose is un-printer friendly 'stuff'.

I'll do a couple of passes using I-Markup and see what I can come up with. I worked 'till around 6:00 this morning, so let my spelling errors go.

As Alan has told me on more than one occasion, go take a walk/nap. That's the best thing you can do right now.


Peter