Yes, Bruce.

Dr.Harlan's Weight Loss Sales Letter Contest - by Edward "The Apu"

Rip it to pieces while sandwiching your comments.

--Edward "The Apu"

Mate... no offense... but when you have Russian, Britney Spears and unwanted pounds in the same title you will lose some of your readers on the way.

That's at least what happened to me.

Regards, George

lol.

Interesting observation.

Thanks mate,

--Edward "The Apu"

I see we all need to practice some proper feedback.

Such as...

Wow Edward. Your copy has come a long way. You have some interesting hooks involved in your copy that caught my attention.

Get it.

Say something nice.

I'm sure it's in everyone to give a compliment now and then.

And then give him constructive feedback.

Try again.

Harlan

Trying to make the waters safe for asking for feedback.

I like your "eyebrow" – It says it all. Maybe make it a tad more prominent?

And I like how you put quotes around your headline. That helps pull folks into reading. That said, your headline is a tad long... how about breaking it up somehow? Maybe put "That No One Knows About" in parentheses? And I would also reconsider where your line-breaks occur in your headline. Example: ... Tom Cruise likely should have his name all together like the others. And you want your final phrase, which is the most powerful, "When it came down to shaking off the unwanted pounds in just 48 hours" to stand together.

The words are there. They're in a good font and in a great color.

That'll do for now. I really like how you make your testimonials stand out in text boxes throughout your text. Nicely done.

And mostly, your words don't get in the way of your message. Perhaps you could tighten up a couple of sentences here and there? Just a little less wordy. And break up your paragraphs so they don't look like great chunks of black text... it's easy: just use the return key a bit more. No real need to change the wording.

Hope this helps,
Dot

Dot, that was fantastic.

Thank you for showing how it's done.

If there were more people like you on the forum,
perhaps more newbies would come out and play.

Peace.

Harlan

hmmmm....you have quite a few celebrity testimonials there. I wonder if writing the letter from one of them would be a good approach (maybe Bruce Willis or Madonna?)

I guess you'd have to get their permission but it could be worth it.

The celebrity testimonials are fun. Like Suzanne said, it would be nice to expand one of the celebrity testimonials into a story. I like the "best kept secret" intrigue.

The headline is a speed bump at 40 words and all those names make it cumbersome too. When reading it out loud I ran out of breath at "Biehl."

I like the bullets. You have a mix of bold and regular text within each bullet. It would be more visually pleasing if, say, the text of the first bullet was all bold. Then the next bullet would be all regular text. Alternating the bold and regular in that way is more visually pleasing.

Before and after photos are always important with a weight loss product. Or at least a "click here for before and after photos" link.

Just my humble two cents.

--Anita

Way to go Anita.

Wonderful feedback starting with a compliment!

Peace

Edward:

This letter would sound much more credible if it was written from the point of view of Yuri himself.

Also (sorry, old habits), in the first line after the salutation, change "Ever since the new..." to "Ever since the news..."

JR