Well, you can't learn without trying, right? Here is the main bulk of a sales letter I wrote. It's meant as practice and possibly as a sample for my portfolio if you all deem it worthy.

I wrote this for myself, without a client. I did use a real product. Is that unethical? Or illegal? In the finished product, I have some strategic bolding and underlining. I also have a side panel full of fake testimonials.

I would greatly appreciate it if any of you critiqued this. I know there is SOMETHING wrong, and I need help figuring it out.

How to Lose up to Fifty Pounds by Playing a Video Game
Think it's near impossible to lose the weight you've gained? It isn't! With this fun game, the pounds will drop off fast!

No more fad diets -- no more wishing you were thin but never seeing results. You don't have to suffer any longer. Instead, you can have it all…

• …a smaller waist line
• …increased energy and stamina
• …more confidence in yourself, and your body!
• …happiness knowing that you've finally achieved your goal

But what if I told you that you could receive all of this – and more – just by playing a video game? You may laugh and turn away. Before you do, listen to what folks just like you thought about their experience:

"This game was very easy to get into. It was fun to play and I lost weight very quickly. I suggested it to one of my coworkers and she's lost weight too! I don't know what my health would be like now if I didn't try this product." – Jan Somerfield

"I play a lot of video games. Now I can play and actually get the fitness that I need to keep my diabetes at bay. I've been feeling better than ever and I'm even training for a half marathon on the side now." – Sam Tate

Most weight loss programs come with lackluster guarantees. They mention all of these great results and show amazing before and after pictures.

Then you read the fine print.

You realize that using their product is a gamble. You may not lose any weight, let alone the vast amounts that the product originally promised.

Since this game's exercise program is tailored to your body type and fitness level, you will see much more dramatic results than you would with other programs.

If you do these easy and fun workouts, you'll see results.

Let me walk you through a typical workout with Yourself!Fitness.

• Wake up in the morning, sleepily pull on some pajama pants and a t-shirt, and make a pot of coffee.
• While your java brews, you pop in Yourself!Fitness into your Playstation 2.
• Maya, your personal trainer, greets you with a warm smile and encouraging message.
• You start your workout, choosing a 15 minute workout with Dance music. You decide that you want to surround yourself in a serene and mountainous environment, so you choose to work out at the Alpine Retreat.
• Maya comes on, ready to show you all of today's moves, which are different from yesterday's and tomorrow's.
• Since you entered in your fitness level and preferences, the workout moves are just hard enough to get you sweating without being too hard make you quit.
• You finish your workout fifteen minutes later, refreshed and ready for your day – and that cup of coffee.

How does this sound to you? Most exercise programs tell you what you should do, without asking for any input. They expect one workout to be effective for all kinds of people.

This is just inaccurate.

Each person has different needs when it comes to their workout. Yourself!Fitness provides you with a workout that is custom built for your body, improving the chance of success by as much as 120%.

With this game, you will receive:
• Tailored exercise training based on your weight, activity level, and number of squats, pushups, and crunches you can do.
• Yourself!Fitness with track your heart rate, squats, pushups, crunches, flexibility and weight in easy to read graphs.
• Stuck on what to eat? It provides detailed meal plans to help keep you on track – all while eating some scrumptious food, like burrito pie and wheat pizza.
• Have exercise equipment? Yourself!Fitness can incorporate exercises that use stability balls, hand weights, aerobic steps, and heart rate monitors.
• Variety is key! Choose from workouts focusing on: weight loss, cardio, upper body, core, lower body, and flexibility.
• Need to relax? Use yoga moves in the game's Meditation Garden for a way to soothe stress.

After just two weeks, you will see dramatic results in your body. You'll need to buy a belt – your pants will be much looser! You may also need to buy new clothes. While this can be an added expense, it is well worth it based on how you'll feel.

You'll be able to walk up stairs without getting winded. You'll become more nimble and flexible. You'll get all of this just by regularly playing a fun and rewarding video game.

Because we know how important your heart can be, we are offering a free heart rate monitor for those who grab this game by March 31st. With it, you will know how well you're working out and whether you need to relax or work harder.

Return the contact form below, along with only $49.99 plus shipping, to receive your copy of Yourself!Fitness along with your free heart rate monitor.

Trisha Bartle
Yourself!Fitness Liaison

P.S. We only have a limited supply of these FREE heart rate monitors, so act fast. We expect these puppies to disappear quickly.

P.P.S. Still not sure whether you want to try Yourself!Fitness? There's a 30 day money back warranty that may help change your mind. With this guarantee, you have no reason not to finally change your life for the better.

Hi,

so here is my modest vision please believe in my respect and sympathy.

let begin by the headline:

the headline isn't punchy I mean it isn't catchy at all, it is interrogative form., but it is still weak in my vision, it isn't conversational.

the "who else " may fit :

Who else want TO Loose Fifty pound playing a video game?

the second form is more punchy .

but will it be more effectif? no one know test, test and test.
and honestly after reading your copy I think that an other one may fit very well then yours or the one above, I will talk about sooner.

2)
I enjoy this paragraph it encourage me to read more, but the red underlined line will go in contradiction with the rest of the copy.

3)Now here is the magic point :

LAKE OF PROOF

the lake of proof make you jump to your testimonial just after a few line.
because you think that they were your strongest proof element, they were the only one.

how to argument my words !!

what fellow the testimonial show that:


the red underline line are your confession, it is a form of "excuse me but I have to guarantees nor before and after pictures"

4) I enjoyed your bullets
they aren't just benefit but there is a flow they are a chronological step.

I was amazed by this one :

and I said to my self hmm isn't that great for a headline?

to get a personal coach for less then 50$?

why talking about video game when you can talk about personal coach?

English is my second language but please let me make some headline with this concept:

1) Limited offer, lose fifty pound with a personal coach for less then 50$

2) Lose pound with a personal coach for less then 50$

emergency, personal coach, price.

hope that it help and please believe again in my respect and sympathy.

That's a very awesome reply. All of your points make sense, and I thank you for that. I especially like your advice about the headline.

Does anyone think that this copy is too short? I was wondering that myself.

It's good that you are being proactive and writing samples for your portfolio.

Abdellah suggests nice alternatives for a headline but your original headline is fine too. Like he said, only testing can reveal what the most effective headline is. If you're appealing to a younger demographic, the video game aspect would be more appealing. If you're trying to appeal to an older demographic, the personal trainer aspect would be more appealing.

I think the testimonials are too close to the beginning and slow down the pace of the letter. I would move your bullets up closer to the beginning. Keep the testimonials off to the side. You might want to use one of your testimonials as a story within the body of the letter. In your own words write about how that person benefited from the product and use a little drama in the telling of the story. That's more interesting than merely quoting a testimonial. People love stories and it will also make the copy a bit longer, if you're worried that it's too short.

I also recommend using the word "imagine." Such as "imagine waking up in the morning..."

Those are just a couple of my humble opinions, for what they are worth. Good luck!

Kind Regards,

Anita

Great points! This is great. I know people have been getting flack for mean advice, but this stuff is good. I'm learning a lot already.

I really like the advice about telling a story. That's a much better idea.