Hi everyone - I'm new to the forum, and quite new to sales copywriting too.

I've just finished writing the sales letter for a new product I had written for me, and am semi-happy with it. But I am not sure if it is ready to go live yet.

The site still needs graphics and a few forms and so on, but the copy is essentially all done.

Visit Site to View Copy

I intend to drive mainly paid search traffic through to it. I may decide to do a few JVs too, but later on.

The basic model is that people will come to the site after clicking on a search ad. They will read through the page, deciding to either buy, or just get the free chapter on offer, before deciding to buy.

Either-way, the call to action is to buy the book.

Please have a look at my copy, and let me know what you would change. I'm not too sensitive, so don't spare me - LOL.

Thank you for your time...

You make the cardinal copywriting sin of talking only about yourself. For the first 25 paragraphs.

Your audience -- frustrated parents -- only wants to know how you can help them potty train their child.

You also need to condense many of your sentences. They tend to ramble, such as: I was getting by, but it wasn’t easy and needless to say, most of the advice was well intended, but not suitable to my son.

JR

Agree. What you should have done is very briefly touch on your success, then make all the space on yourself instead on successes with these other parents -- with testimonials and pics.

It really doesn't matter if the product is a diet, stop smoking, or what have you, the "my story" copy indicates you are an expert with one single success to your credit.

You want to tell about Melody and Ted Harris, and how their particular problem was so and so.

While, with Kim and Bob had this other problem. And so on. And so on.

And somewhere, with all these detailed case histories, the reader comes to the conclusion you really know your stuff. And they you tie it into some clever packaging "...that's how I became known as the 'potty whiperer' to the new parents in my neighborhood."

Right now the copy doesn't come off as believable. Parents especially have a tendency to take their one or two episodes and build it into some kind of expertise. You need "Nanny 911," level expertise not "here's what worked for me." Those Nannies are actually called in by other professional nannies as troubleshooters.

They're not just professionals, they're the professionals the professionals call. Right now it looks like you picked up on the Cheerios trick and got a little carried away. You haven't fleshed out the other parents as real in your copy, and forum posts and third hand "you helped a lot ...thanks" isn't compelling case history.

You don't look at the free stuff on the internet, scrape it, and offer a report. You test it on a real kid that goes tearing around the house after going potty ...and won't put their PJs back on. And you then go on to explain how you figured out a neat trick for getting the kid to not have all those associated problems related to potty training, but not actually about potty training. It's not just diapers, it's an entire ordeal whenever the kid says they have to "go." There are a dozen associated problems you don't even hint at to make your experience believable.

Right now I make a more believable parent in copy than you do, and I'm just an uncle.

Thanks for the feedback, John_S and 200Proof.

Now that you've pointed it out I can totally see how I've gone on and on about myself and not really focused on the most important person - my prospect!

It's so obvious, but hard to see when I've stuck my nose in the writing stuff.

John - thank you for the detailed explanation - I'll be going back to the drawing board then...

Subtle, that looks excellent, great job!

I like the idea of the story, but it get's really boring quick with the five line first paragraph.

Ever think about staring the story and relating it more to the person you are speaking towards.

Something like: "Your smart enough to know by now in order to potty train a toddler you need extreme patience."

I am just trying to get you some ideas.

Here is one for instilling fear.
(True Story)

My wife and I had problems with my daughter during potty training, she held her poop in after a bad experience. It tooks us three years to get her over it. It was all due to one bad time on the potty, no parent would ever want to go through what we went through, thats for sure.