Hey all, this is my second time around... thanks so much to all who commented on the first shot.

Please let me know what else I should be changing... grooming... trashing... slashing... finessing etc.

I am running 2 index pages with an A/B split tester... they are basically the same content with different headlines and some of the text chunks moved around.

Ease Out of Fear - Easily Overcome Fear and Anxiety
Ease Out of Fear - Easily Overcome Fear and Anxiety

Thanks again.

Mark Pasay

Hi Mark...

Let's take your headline, and see if we can't give it a little power.

You're breaking three major rules from the start. I don't mean little tidbit rules...I mean 3 flaws that will pretty much prevent you from ever making real sales.

#1 (the most obvious) You're asking a question that won't always lead directly to the answer you want. Personally, I don't like questions in a headline. Oh, there are exceptions, but not many.

#2 You're assuming WAY too much about the reader. You know they want an answer to panic attacks. But you don't know that anxiety is ruining their lives. You've just lost the percentage of your audience that isn't on the verge of 'life ruin'.

#3 This is the most important one...let's skip that one for a second. See if you can spot it in the rewrite.

Now...did you figure it out?

Probably not. It's so subtle, that only the most experienced copywriters even know about it. And any experienced copywriter can INSTANTLY tell the difference between a noob and a guru when they spot it.

What is it?

What, do think I'm some kind of push-over? I have to make money somehow. BUT...if you sign up for a complete ad analysis on my site (for only $350), you'll find out the biggest secret to making killer copy. The one that guru's NEVER talk about. It's a lot like the magician secrets that separate the masters from the amateurs.

Now...on to the body of your letter.
Could you please explain the point of all this? Aside from the fact that you take up an entire screen to talk about the PROBLEM, the rest of the copy follows pretty much the same pattern. You tell about a problem, you tell people you can fix it, you tell them how much better off they'd be if they fixed it.

BUT YOU NEVER TELL THEM HOW YOU'LL FIX IT!!!

Look at the first part of my critique. I teased the hell out of you. Don't deny it...you're wishing you had $350 to spend on my analysis.

I just read the transcript of an interview with a big time publicity guru...the guy gave me a ... um ... sorry, I can't be crude. But the point is, I was just diving for my wallet to buy his full report.

That's what you need in your letter. Make your claims, tease them with part of the information, make it forceful so they never feel like you're anything but an expert, and ask for the sale.

Good luck...

Just HAD to show me up...didn't you.

Holy crap Eric... now I know why they call you Grand Master. I really do have a lot to learn don't I? Thank-you for the advice... for teasing the hell out of me... for the humility... for the motivation to do a LOT better.

P.S. Were you serious about the $350 makeoever?

Mr. Subtle- It's absolutely dangerous that you have exhibited that the bb code will allow javascript. I lie in wait to seize the moment and post something in javascript that I will regret later.

It's just an animated image

Yep. An animated .gif. It's late and I'm blonde, Kyle. I can't possibly be held responsible for that comment! Admin, admin. Kyle is making girls cry!

Guy wants a simple critique of his copy...what's up with everybody hijacking the thread to make jokes?