I wrote recently asking for advice on a headline for a client who practices NLP.

Upon reflection, and given the feedback here, I felt that I was behind the eight ball from the start as I didn't really have a firm prospect in mind when I was writing those headlines.

So I'm going to recommend running a series of tightly targeted landing pages backed by individual adwords packages, depending upon the target market. For example, one aimed at smokers, one at those looking to lose weight, those seeking peak sports performance etc...

The following example then, is targeted at smokers. Be warned... There are some Australian colloquialisms which may just be a tad confusing to some!

Any thoughts welcome and valued...

“Crush that money-sucking, soul-destroying, cancerous smoking habit in under 14 days… or I’ll give you all your money back PLUS 50% MORE no questions asked.”

Dear frustrated smoker,

This year the filthy-stinking rich cigarette companies are hungry like famished wolves to get their hands on the fattest, most obscene profits ever. Meanwhile YOUR bank balance goes further down the gurgler and YOUR health silently deteriorates to new lows. Reckon that’s a fair deal?

It’s crazy isn’t it?

Hello, my name’s [name] and every day I use innovative, safe and proven techniques like hypnosis to help people from all walks of life overcome obstacles holding them back from achieving the success they deserve.

From personal experience, I know that kicking a habit can be plain hard, frustrating, draining work.

Especially if you’ve tried everything from wonder pills and amazing potions to nicotine patches and exotic lotions – yet you’re still magnetically drawn back to the cigarettes time and again.

I know too, that for some people it’s relatively easy to do. But for others like me and possibly you, then what I have to tell you is truly astonishing.

I’ve won the battle against soul-destroying habits with an astonishing strategy I discovered.

The great news is, anyone can use them to achieve the same results.

I’m so eager to share my secrets with you - my fingers are going flat out on the keyboard as I write this - but firstly let’s imagine that…

…I give you $2000 in cold hard cash today.

And let’s imagine I’m willing to part with my money the very instant you finish reading this.

What will you do with your $2000?

A holiday?

Gifts for loved ones?

Maybe put it straight towards your mortgage?

Electricity / phone bills?

Buy new tyres for the car and get it serviced?

Whatever you answered… I’m guessing you didn’t reply with, “Bewdy! I’m rushing out to buy two grand’s worth of cigarettes!”

See, in this imaginary scenario most smokers, even two-pack-a-day smokers, would much rather burn their two grand on something really worthwhile when presented $2000 and not on cigarettes. Does that make sense?

When you look at it like this, smoking is simply senseless isn’t it?

Yet… statistically the average Australian smoker parts with $2000 of their hard-earned dosh every year.

I’ll book my three personalised 90 minute Quit Smoking Guaranteed sessions with [name] right now thanks, so I can lock in the current offer before it’s too late!

Of course, beside the downright depressing damage cigarette smoking does to your bank balance, being a social outcast is no walk in the park either!

But hey, lighten up! In truth, you aren’t really a social outcast – at least not yet. But it’s sure how you’re made to feel these days, isn’t it?

For example, from a December 2007 Melbourne Herald Sun article…

“Smoking has been pushed to the margins of society.”

“Smokers huddle in chilled laneways enduring the unsympathetic looks of passers by.”

Ouch!


You really CAN quit your smoking habit fast using the proven techniques I’ve learned and am passing on to my delighted clients day in-day out - with absolutely, positively no pills, potions, patches or lotions.

The ‘secret’ I am jumping out of my skin to share with you is literally a secret the pharmaceutical companies don’t want you to know about, yet it works. And I mean it really works.

I discovered it quite by accident (you can read my full story here) - and I can tell you this, hand on heart… it’s been proven time and time again.

“[name], I was sceptical at first but after those two sessions with you, I went from being a packet a day smoker to being honestly repulsed by the thought of cigarettes. Your techniques really worked. I wish I’d discovered you sooner! Now I’m saving for a holiday with the extra $80 a week I would have spent on smokes. Thanks [name].”
Joseph Bloggs, Brisbane, Queensland.

Learn the astonishing ‘secret’ to quitting your smoking habit in just three 90-minute sessions with me - and after your third session, you’ll walk out as an ‘ex-smoker’ ready to proudly brag to your friends and family about ‘the new, healthier, richer you’. It’s that easy.

I’m so supremely confident that if you are not absolutely delighted with the results, I’ll give you your money back PLUS another 50%.

So you’ve nothing to lose! Except of course, you’ll lose your urge to pick up another packet of cigarettes! And that’s something worth losing!

Your unique satisfaction guarantee – all your money back plus 50% if not entirely delighted – is offered to you because I completely understand your scepticism. I’ve been there, remember!

Yet after your three enjoyable and productive sessions with me, you’ll see why I believe so much in the power of the techniques I practice; amazing techniques I’ve learned from some of the world’s leaders in the field of hypnosis and Neuro Linguistic Programming.

To arrange your Quit Smoking Guaranteed sessions with me, it’s so easy. Just complete the form below and hit submit! I promise to get in touch with you to arrange our first session so you can start your journey towards an amazing life. Or just give me a call on (phone number).

So, onwards with the exciting journey towards self-improvement!

Signature etc…

P.S.: Here’s what some of my clients have said recently: (Insert three to five strong testimonials, preferably with photos)

P.P.S.: If you’re not completely satisfied after your third session, I’ll refund your full fee plus an extra 50%. Of course, if you are completely satisfied, you’ll be horrified at the thought of paying for another packet of cigarettes! And that’s exciting isn’t it? Let’s begin this journey together, starting now.

I'm not sure how this is "tightly targeted." You're pretty much taking on the whole stop smoking market.

Targeted would be like "If you've tried to stop smoking two times or more..."

Tightly targeted would be like a focus on, say, Australians.

It's okay for a general appeal, but it's weak on focus. You need to intensify credibility. You need to explain how what worked with you will work for others, and why. That means drawing a bead on a genuine target segment, not a market category.

Thanks so much for your thoughts John_S,

You're right in the sense that it's not technically 'tightly targeted' as in zeroing in a niche within the stop smoking category.

In hindsight, what I meant was; instead of building one page to cover all the things my clients can help people overcome, (weight control, smoking, addictions, procrastination etc.) - which is really what many of his competitors seem to be doing (amost an 'all things to all people' approach), I feel it'd be better to suggest writing different material for each category.

I appreciate when you say, "You need to intensify credibility. You need to explain how what worked with you will work for others, and why. That means drawing a bead on a genuine target segment, not a market category."

I've written another letter for this client, (my initial one), that really shows how what worked for my client actually changed his life and why it can work for others. His life is a fascinating story really.

I'll incorporate a little of that letter into this and submit it here for feedback again if that's ok. Mind you it's going to take some work because it'll require a bit of editing as it really is a long (though never boring) story. In the sales piece I submitted in this thread and you have already read, there is a section where it says, 'read my story here' - and that was going to be a link to that first letter.

I was conscious of keeping this piece moving and focusing the emphasis the whole way through on the customer... now I am wondering if I'll lose that momentum somewhat by adding in some of his story? Hey, it's worth a shot isn't it?

Thanks again for your comments!

Update...

I've met my client and have given him the version I posted here.

Looks like we'll run it as part of a complete website that's going to be loaded with testimonials and specific offers in conjunction with adwords and downloadable resources.

A bit of work to be done now...

Thanks for looking people, and for your comments John.

I thought you letter was really good.
I actually wrote a letter on quitting smoking using NAC two years ago.
I didn't pursue the goal, but it was interesting to write it.

I think you have to appeal to lower denominator with people who want to quit smoking.
Perhaps have them fill a form with some questions. And you follow-up with a telephone call with the leads that you get. How about a form they fill out like:

1. How long have you been seriously considering quitting smoking for? (Years, Months, Days)
2. Have you ever tried to quit smoking before? (Yes/NO)
3. Are you firmiliar with the power of hypnosis? (YES/NO)
4. Did you know that quitting smoking can not only save you $2,000, but its also painless when you use hypnosis?

You can add more questions, but by generating a lead, then you can achieve higher conversion rate.

I think somewhere in your letter you also need to put a clear headline that says...

INTRODUCING QUIT SMOKING WITH HYPNOSIS (by Means of telephone, book , DVD)!

Something like that!!! I honestly scanned your letter (like many people do) and I didn't see two important things:

1. What is it? A telephone session. A product (DVD, BOOK) or what?
2. How much is it? I looked for the price, and I didn't see it.

Thanks Bolduc333,

I think your suggestions about a form is valid and we might incorporate that idea into the website. Good idea.

As for the cost... good point!! It'll be in a FAQ but I agree that by including the price in this piece it should deliver stronger copy. Perhaps we should publish a couple of pages and test them. One without the price and one with?

And what exactly is it? I'm glad I posted here, because obviously I have become too close to it...! Right now it's a one-on-one consultation, each running to about 90 minutes. Later on down the track it could be that we move into products and phone/web consultations.

I appreciate the feedback!