Hey guys,

I've got a new product I'm going to be launching in the following weeks, and in the meantime I will be using a squeeze page to gather a mailing list.

This is my first draft. I definitely see room for improvement, and I'd love to have a bit of help from some of the pro's.

Here is the URL:
Are you ready to get over your fear of flying?

As time goes on, this is the URL that will be updated. If I make any changes while this thread is active, I'll make a note of what they were as well.

Thanks!

hmmmm...I see no one has addressed this yet. I've gotta run but let me try to get the ball rolling.

I think the headline can use more drama (but careful not to turn it into hype)

What typically happens when someone has a fear of flying attack? Shortness of breath, tight chest, pounding heart? These could be introduced into the headline.

Show them you know exactly what they are experiencing and that you can resolve it.

Get rid of cliches like: Flying can be a walk in the park.
Makes it seem like a me-too product/service.

also get some emotion in here. Fear of flying is a very emotional, visceral reaction. Tap into that. When you connect to the emotionality of this problem, people who suffer from this problem are drawn in, and more apt to accept your solution.

Hey, thanks for the reply's!

CopyEagle, I actually had someone else mention the emotional aspect. I'll be going through my research to find out the language people tend to use when talking about their fear and make changes accordingly.

Suzanne, I think that your post goes along the same lines as CopyEagle's, which wouldn't be the first time that I've been told to add more emotion. Which means it's time to amp up emotional words when writing.

Thanks for the tips! I'll be making changes sometime today and I'll repost once they're made.

Another suggestion:

Your airplane graphic doesn't add any value beyond decorative. You've already got Flying in your headline.

Some photo of a hand tightly clenching an armrest, or a hand with worry beads would tell more of the story, as well as add emotional identification into your message.

When I pull up your page on Internet Explorer, the banner doesn't line up with the rest of the page.

JR

What version of internet explorer are you using? I don't have access to IE6, but I had a friend look at it in that browser and it looked fine for her.

Good idea. I'll add that to my to-do list. I'm sure I can find some good photos on istock or something.

Oh wow!

Mr Subtle, you are GREAT at what you do! Thanks for the idea!