I just found this site and am very eager to expand my copywriting skills and try to help others as well.

I have my copy below and I was hoping to get some advice on it. I mailed it last month and only recieved 2 responses. The numbers on the letter are factual for the companies that have used my services. The target market is CEO/Presidents/VP of Marketing for Medicare Companies.

LETTER:

John, We Are Getting 2% to 3% Response Rates This Season for 11 National Medicare Companies

Dear Mr. Jones,

If you are not getting this kind of Response, we can increase your enrollment starting this February. MY COMPANY has been helping medicare people, like yourself, since 2005. We currently have 8 corporate accounts,12 FMOs and 2,000 individual representatives. Our portfolio includes, BlueCross BlueShields, Wellcare,Universal HealthCare and Freedom Healthcare.

During the annual open enrollment, MY COMPANY, with our proprietary direct mail program, helped propel two Medicare companies into millions of dollars.

Medicare Company (A) had mailed 571,000 eligible homes and had 6,000 members sign up.
Medicare Company (B) mailed 7 million pieces and received a 2.3% return during open enrollment and averaged 1.8% return over the entire season. They received 337% more leads, direct mail responses cost 28% that of newspaper responses, and in less than 90 days they secured 77,000 members for a reported monthly income of $54,000,000.

Competition is going to be tougher this season. Can you afford to lose your potential customers to another provider? Our proven marketing strategy can ensure that you don’t while reducing your lead cost by 75% at the same time!

Your Benefits:
• Maximize your marketing investment
• Track other Media Campaigns
• Personalized newsletters to each member
• Client Retention Program
• Savings on EOB

Listen as our top marketing experts share how they have increased response rates by 450% and got Medicare Advantage Providers in front of thousands of qualified seniors, over short periods of time, and enrolled them at once. This Audio Book is FREE!

It's okay. I would test headlines. In the body copy, you're giving apples and oranges -- put the response rate for Medicare Company A, in a percentage as you've done for Company B.

There are a number of experiments I'd like to play around with on a project like this. However, the general idea and approach is sound. Unless this has proven unsatisfactory, I would thoroughly explore this by testing tweaks.

One thing you might try if you're being more ambitious is adding a sentence or three explaining how and why things will be tougher this year. Try to make that from some vague prediction by you alone to a keenly felt pain in the here-and-now for the reader.

A good way to do this is cite some figure or group consensus forecast by an authority.

Another point is to ask "why?" after each bullet. These are largely features. Even a client retention program is a "so what ...we have one" proposition.

Rewrite: A client retention program with an industry-leading 87.3% (Where the industry average is 64%).

I'm not a math major, but something just doesn't smell right. In your headline you're piking:
And then you follow with this example:
6,000 / 571,000 = a 1% response rate. Then you mention another example:
77,000 / 7,000,000 = 1.1% response rate.

Somewhere in your letter you to need to show some examples with response rates that are 100% to 200% higher than what you're showing right now. Or change your headline to We Are Getting 1% Response Rates.

I understand what you're talking about Mr Subtle. Maybe I should be more clear there. The response rates are 2-3%, and from that number they are signing up 6,000 or 77,000 members.

For instance, another example would be: 100,000 pcs mailed- 1,945 responses and from that 450 people signed up. In my example from the letter, I had skipped the 1,945 responses and said: 100,000 pcs mailed - 450 people signed up.

I guess I should make it more clear in the letter so they don't think I am inflating my response rates.

Thanks for the help guys.