Hi everybody,

I'm a long time lurker, first time poster.

So... I was hoping you folks would take a gander through the sales letter I've been working on for the past few weeks for the relaunch of ClickBank University.

CBU

I still need to add some testimonials, a video tour and a couple of other bonuses, but this is the essence of the sales letter.

Thanks in advance for taking your time to read through this and give me your honest critique.

Andrew Bourland

Andrew,

You need to hit this market with credibility upfront.

In copy, we'd call it credentialing the "go-to guy". In this case you.

Pile on the credibility up front... then make a big darn promise up front in the piece. You know, a hint at the reward they're going to get for just reading on.

Then go into the body copy.

Here's a "Small Biggie!"

Change voice... I see A LOT of "WE."

ex: Can you think of a way to rewrite that using "YOU" ???

and...

is "Video!" the best you can come up with for a crosshead?

I hope you understand that the point of cross heads is to grab the skimmers and scanners and SUCK them into the copy.

"Video!" ain't gonna get it.

next...

Wanna know something REALLY scary?

I didn't know you were "teaching" publishers (not affiliates) until I was 2/3'rds of the way through your sales letter.

here:

Personally I think you need to get that taken care of -- SMACK your target audience between the eyes from the moment they hit the page.

Of course, I'm ignorant to the fact of how you're getting traffic anyhow ... JV's, your list, PPC, etc.

But, I still think you need to clearly, clearly ID the market and WIIFM with crystal clarity up front.

Overall -- I felt there was a SEVERE lack of a BIG HOOK! One central idea to hang the whole letter on.

Did I miss it?

Other copy cronies care to weigh in?

Thanks, Zachary.

I have to be honest with you. I'm not well known in ClickBank circles and don't have a long track record as a ClickBank marketer (more like short and successfull) that I can point to like an Andrew Fox or Chris McNeeney could and have done.

I DO have a long term success story to tell in the online marketing space, but it's not directly relevant to ClickBank.

That's why I didn't even mention myself in this one.

(I also have this thing about bragging about the money I've made)

But I'll take a crack at it and see what I can come up with.

Thanks again for the honest feedback.

Andy

JP...

All points well taken. Back to the drawing board. I'll have a new revision up asap.

Thanks!

Andy

Yes, Andrew has been online for as long as many of us dinosaurs have. And his successes are too many to mention here. I've known of his for over a decade. (Wow, time flies.)

Anyway, welcome to the board, Andrew!

Thanks for the feedback guys... and Michel! Good to hear from you as well!

I've taken a lot of your feedback and incorporated it into a new revision of the sales letter, so please, tear it apart again for me so I can make it that much better.

Thanks again for the feedback.

Here's the link:

ClickBank University Blueprint for Success

Take care,

Andy