Some People Used To Tell Me I Was Overweight Because I Wanted To Be.

If I Just Put My Mind To It I could Do Anything, Including Losing Weight. So I Did. Please Read This Short Story About How I Did It.

What ever the mind can conceive it can achieve – yeah, right. Easy for thin people to say, but I want to be fit and trim and healthy and I knew all the statistics, spent a small fortune on all the fads, but I just couldn’t so it.

Freshman in college, 6’1”, 195 lbs.. All of a sudden that “one of these days” became 48 years old, 305 lbs.. Someone please help me. Then I saw an ad, one that made me think of the thin people. A special seminar in my area of Vermont on weight loss using Self-Hypnosis, “what ever the mind can conceive…”

Programming my thoughts with positive reinforcement and the proper tools to help me. No pills, no special meals, no shakes, just keep eating the same foods I had been. Except subconsciously I would be making the proper choices without realizing it.

After a few weeks I used to go into the bathroom and look in the mirror, turn side to side then just stare at the person looking back at me. Quietly so no one could hear I would give one of those, shake my arms and hands as if I just won the lottery, open up a great, big, wide grin, and giggle like a little kid. I looked fantastic. And I was still 272 lbs..

It didn’t take all that long and I leveled off at 235. Nothing was going to stop once I saw the real progress, and I was enjoying the foods I was eating.

Please give a call to one of the counselors at the zyxyzyzxz center. The call is very private, the people you talk to are very friendly and understanding because they also have a success story of their own.

Feel Great, Look Great! 1-FAT-NOT-HERE Call Today!

Seriously, quite amateurish.

You tell it all in the first paragraphs. I think telling a story
is about not knowing what's going to happen next.

You need more pulse and a redline in your story.

You jump from dit to dat.

"Someone please help me." -- yes'this is one of those fat to skinny stories.

"Easy for thin people to say" -- the same

This kind of writing do not connect with peoples emotions.

The Doctor Blamed Me For Being Fat - Short version of you headline

Hope this helps a little

1.) It's all about you - nobody cares.

2.) What are you selling again?

3.)
Seriously? What kind of sentence is that?

Overall the whole thing leaves me banging my head against the wall wondering where you learned to write.

Not trying to be mean, but I'd really start from scratch and figure out a bit more about both your market and your product before sitting down at the keyboard again.

Hi Spander.

Wow. I got you to post. Great.

Hey. Welcome to the big leagues. First post.

Listen up.

Your copy needs a whole bunch of work.

And everyone is going to jump all over you.

So take it in stages.

What are you selling?

Who is your market?

What is your offer?

Gotta get those down first.

And listen up...

DON'T GIVE UP!

Peace.

Harlan

Hey Spander,

I think you've got something here you can build on.

You've got the right idea using a story but you need to make it about the reader a lot sooner.

For instance:
If you're like this, I know how you feel. I was the same way. I felt desperate, hopeless. But then I discovered.... And now I'm a new person. And here's how it can help you too....

Try outlining your letter along a theme like this or something similar.

Use shorter sentences. Write like you talk...or like your reader talks. But don't make her work too hard to understand what you're saying.

Start reading and hand-copying great letters. You'll begin to feel the tempo, rhythm, and pace.

I know it's overwhelming. But stick with it. You'll get it.

And they told ME I wasn't warm and fuzzy...

Sheesh.

Peace.

Like I said, Harlan, I wasn't trying to be mean.

It's his first attempt - that's great! But as such I
don't believe he needed warm and fuzzy, he needed
the truth.

Do I commend Spander for posting this here?

You betcha.

But I also assumed (okay, so maybe that was
my problem) that he wanted honest feedback
and not just someone to tell him "Hey, great
first try, but you can do better."

So seriously, not trying to be cruel; but without
a bit of contructive criticism from time to time, none
of us would ever have improved.

So here's warm and fuzzy...

Great first attempt, Spander. But you really need to:

- redefine who you are speaking to
- figure out more about the product you are trying to sell
- give your readers a "What's in it for me" takeaway
- make it more about your readers, rather than about yourself
- watch for serious grammatical errors
- make your font much smaller so that it is easier to read
- create a better headline that doesn't sound like every other product out there

Other than that, you're on the right track. Just clean it
up a bit and I'm sure it will be great.





Better, Harlan?

Too little too late.

He's probably given up on copy.

You've shattered his dreams.

Lol! My oh my, if lil' ol me could do all that,
then this boy needs to grow a thicker skin.

But, seeing as you were the one who convinced
him to post it here in the first place...

I'd be willing to bet that you believe he can
handle a little constructive criticism better
than all that.

If not? Hey, I'll have done him a huge
favour and he can go on to pursue his real
goals and dreams

That's right.

I encourage people to post.

You chase them away.

Another hope crushed.