Hey great first try! You can do better!

Poor guy. But in all honesty, this is a brutal business. I still get the jivies posting anything here.

But in the end, I always appreciate the blatant criticisms. If someone can't get used to it, they're in the wrong business. Cause the numbers are going to do more than criticize. They'll drive you out of business.

I think it's pretty telling that Spander hasn't posted a reply.

That's unfortunate.

Sometimes people here like to play Simon Cowell a bit too much for my taste.

Hello honorable Critiquers,

So what is now mince meat was atrocious. I will make a few comments myself on the subject.

I won't bother to tell you what made me tough and a fighter only that this "boy" is 62 years old and I'm not going anywhere.

Who taught me to write? You did! The collective you, at least several of the names I saw on this Board I saw on other web sites so where better to gather information?

My first submission contained several dos and don'ts and tips and rules I read on numerous URLs of members of this very board. Things have changed or I misunderstood.

One clarification I want to make; I gather none of you have ever been fat. I don't mean a little overweight, but 50, 75, 110 pounds overweight. That is fat! This giggly bathroom celebration story is just what you will hear at Weight Watchers if you attend long enough. Maybe not exactly those words, but that type of nearly indescribable excitement when someone sees a real change in their body for the first time. Except this time they know it's really working and they're going to make it!

You don't think overweight people relate to that? Maybe where you live they don't. Something in the water no doubt.

Who I was trying to reach and how clearly was a catastrophe in the end. I will get better and I know I can do this. I may be a newbie, but some of you should re-check your and correct the typos.

Lastly, it is "As I said", not "Like I said". I know the latter is the universally accepted usage, however it is universally incorrect.

Stephen Anderson
Richmond, Vermont

Glad to see you back, Stephen.

Stephen,

Glad to see you came back, and tickled pink that
you're not going anywhere!

First of all, allow me to reiterate the fact that I
was not trying to be mean (or Simon Cowell-ish, if
you will); only trying to give you some contructive
advice.

Second, don't take offense at my use of the word
"boy". I live in the south, and that's just one of our
little colloquialisms

Third, as far as overweight people not being able
to relate to your copy - that's not what I was trying
to say.

My point was only that when you're writing sales
copy, you need to phrase your story/pitch so that
it uses the word "you" more than it does the word "I".

It's great that you/the person in your story lost so much
weight using this particular technique; but the point is to
make your reader feel that he/she can do the same. Phrases
like "You can use XZY to lose the weight, and you will feel
great" get twice the response as "I used XYZ to lose
weight, and now I feel great". See the difference?

You have to give your reader a "What's in it for me" takeaway,
or else the whole point of the copy will be lost. An "I" story
is great, so long as it doesn't make up the bulk of your copy.

Anyway, I'll take my Cowell-ish self off to another corner
now. I am glad that you're thick-skinned enough to come
back; and I'm quite certain your next copy will be much better!

OK Spander, now let's see you take the feedback and
start to re-do the piece.

Looking forward to round 2.

Peace.

Harlan

I don't take exception to what you wrote jcoolbaugh...I agree.

But for the students here, there is a way when it is ALL ABOUT YOU.

I call to the witness stand, the late, great Ernest "Bud" Weckesser of Green Tree Press. Despite what Lawrence says here:

Bud Weckesser: Master of Case Study Marketing

Bud was a professor at Kent State University and was in the Speech and Hearing department, not communications. I believe Purdue was where he was degreed. Anyhow,

Here's the start of one of his ads, which pulled in megabucks...

"WHEN I SEE MY EX-HUSBAND, I HAVE (all caps too)
THIS SECRET TRICK I PLAY ON HIM"

by Leslie McClennahan

Did you ever notice that when you're fat, men don't look you in the eye? They look across your shoulder. There's no eye contact. My name is Leslie McClennahan. I'm a real person. I live near Goose Creek, South Carolina. Up until two years ago, I was never looked in the eye. By anyone.

Granted he led with with three YOU's. However, it quickly got into the story.

Similar type of ad with Bud's BOYFRIEND WANTED ad. Both ads ran for years and Bud did great business with these.

Never heard of Bud? Jay Abraham did. It would pay for you to get to know his work too. Another lesson, he rarely used a "Johnson Box" or order form, and until very late in the day, for him, did he ever accept credit cards. He MADE you send him a check or money order, against the conventional wisdom of the day.

If anyone is looking for a way to incorporate YOUR story into copy, and to do it with profitability over the long haul, get your hands on copies of Bud's ads and you'll see how it's done.

gjabiz

Wow! Green Tree Press, out of Erie, PA. One of the real gems when it comes to mail order. I know their book on how to use computers did huge numbers-- like 1.5 million of the damn books. And you saw their ads everywhere-- typically full page too, using a black & white cartoon rather than a 4 color picture.

We should be paying more attention to what someone like Green Tree did using 1 step advertising to a cold list, selling tens of millions of dollars worth of books as opposed to someone's Internet sales letter that brought in a million bucks-- and of course that was all done through JV's, so who knows if the sales letter was really good or not.

To me there is no comparison in the skill level needed to succeed with one as opposed to succeeding the other way.

Spander,

I'd suggest you kick aside some
time to go over some successful
weight loss copy

Go through them very thoroughly
- notice how the headline GRABS
you into the copy, notice the
overall structure and flow of the
copy, notice how the bullets are
written to play on every one of
your buying triggers such as
curiosity and exclusivity, etc...
etc... etc...

And then, try to adapt them to
your own copy

PS: Frankly, having looked at your
first shot tells me you have never
read a successful sales copy before.

Because if you've read at least one,
you'll never write like that.