Hello everybody. I am mostly finished with my new copy but I need a little insight. Can you please check my copy out and see if I am using em-dashes and elipses correctly? That and any thing else that just jumps out at you.

I have not put in my images nor done any bolding yet. I seems to be comming along though. Any and all help is appreciated.

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No, it won't do. An em-dash can be used several ways, but not this way. Sometimes you can use it instead of parentheses, but it never looks as good as parentheses, so it's almost always better to use it for a pause in the copy. Anytime it seems like the reader really needs to pause, but you don't want to end the sentence. The ... would be more for when you wanted the sentence to end, but you don't want the reader to stop. Like a PS for a sentence...an essential after-thought.

The em-dash doesn't get spaces before or after (as far as I know).

But I really don't know why I'm posting this. I'm one of the worst on grammar. Perhaps an English Major could shed some light.

Hi, Terry!

I've got a few suggestions.

First, I'd lose all the dashes. You don't need them. What are you hearing when you write them...do they take the place of an imaginary drum roll? If so, then I'd rewrite. Maybe try exclamation points instead.

This is it! Your chance to...blah blah...

Now there's something that jars me a bit. It's the voice. Can you rewrite the letter exactly the way you talk? I mean, if you were standing in my kitchen telling me about your new discovery, you would never say, "I am about to show you how." Or "I remember being in the same situation..."

I think there are times when we do want to write a bit more formally, but writing to an audience of informal young people wouldn't be it.

Actually, I think you could lose "I am about to show you how" altogether.

I like the sentence, "I played on that damn thing every chance I got." That's good. Very informal and descriptive. Exactly the kind of thing you'd say in person to a friend.

"Until one day when I just could not afford it anymore." Can you make a story out of that? Can you show me what it was like, instead of telling me? Here's a story I thought of ...I'm sure you could do better:

There was this girl I had my eye on. Long wavy golden hair, huge green eyes, and a body like Beyonce. Way out of my league, but a man can dream, right? Well, one day a friend talked me into helping him with a paper at the library. We walked in the front door, and who was there, right in front of us, but my Dream Girl.

We struck up a conversation, and I asked her out for that weekend. I was so excited. Until I realized that I'd spent my last 50 bucks on games.

Damn.

I was either gonna have to ask my parents for money or cancel the date.

Anyway, maybe not that long, and not that example, but maybe if you can illustrate not being able to afford something so the reader feels the pain. Ya know, make it visceral.

Couple of grammar things -- its instead of it's. (It's is the contraction for it is.) I saw or I had seen instead of I seen. I sank or I had sunk instead of I sunk.

I'd also like to see the section on "is this book for me" a lot earlier in the letter. I think you can delete the lines below it "the best way to answer this question is to ask you a series of small questions."

That just slows the reader down -- go ahead and launch into the bullets.

The more I think about it, the more I think maybe most of the background could either disappear altogether or be significantly shortened. But I'm not sure about that...

Anyway, my suggestions could be boiled down to voice and action. If you hit the right voice, writing the way you speak, and delete anything that slows the reader down, get it fast-paced from the start, I think it would improve the letter.

I'm sure others will have different viewpoints. It'll be fun to see what they say.

All the best -- by the way, you've really done quite well with this -- I especially like the way you use your headlines and subheads. Just a little more tweaking and you'll have a killer letter on your hands.

- Valeria

Thanks for both of your posts. I will have to work on some of what you said Valaria. You made some good points and I see what you are saying. I am talking to mostly the younger and uneducated crowd.

I will start making a few changes tommorrow. In the mean time I would love to get more input. Thanks for posting and thanks to those who plan on posting.

Hey Terry,
I'm not sure why I'm replying because I'm very new and can't yet comment on the copy. But there were a few grammar mistakes I noticed. Eric said perhaps an English major should weigh in, I wonder is a English major dropout counts?
Anyway on one of your testimonials the reviewer says "Hey everyone xtremegaerx has the real deal. I've done made my purchase with him and is worth every penny." Not the best way to word a product recommendation, I would change the wording a little so that the bad grammar doesn't distract the reader from what you are selling.

Another testimonial "Holly ****. I can't believe you are selling this so cheap"...from sexsecrets69
I believe it's Holy **** instead of Holly ****. But I could be wrong, I need to brush up on my cursing. :rolleyes: There are more grammar mistakes but I'd just suggest going through it again with a fine tooth comb before your all done.

Nop Way! Don't change a word of the testimonials.

I would never change my customers testimonials. That is the way they wrote to me so I want to leave it that way. It is more believable and has character.

I was not saying to change the testimonial but the grammar. Like I said I'm
new. I didn't know that you couldn't correct a testimonial if there is incorrect spelling, grammar or sentence structure. Not to make it a more glowing review but to simply make it correct and readable. If I had a customer testimonial that was just plain wrong grammatically (or doesn't make sense) i just wouldn't use it. I definitely don't see the benefit in having testimonials with obvious mistakes in them.

Sorry if we in any way rubbed you wrong. But your testimonials are your customers words.

I have had people tell me to correct any mistakes and if it was really bad I would. However not everybody is a copywriter or an english major.

In my market I am selling to mostly uneducated people so having everybody sound educated and not using their "lingo" may look funny to them.

No harm no foul. That's true though, I think it does depend greatly on the
market you are targeting. If it's younger people they probably don't care or notice much of the grammar mistakes. But if you were selling a product to English enthusiasts, editors or journalists, the grammar mistakes jump out to them in a way that would greatly distract from the copy and the product your selling. But it looks like your doing good with it. At least you have a product and testimonials