Gimme some feedback on this Weight Loss squeeze page

Be as blunt as possible with your critique

I can take it

--LINK REMOVED--

PS: Pls don't quote this post in your reply as I want to keep the link private. Will be removing the link after I've received enough critiques to get me going.

Those chunk to hunk photos sells.

Anyways, I think your headline is nothing special.

Ugly and Protruding is not words I want to hear here.

It all screams-- the same old.

And I see little to no results in the photos.

Scam?

I had tried to build some story in to this, instead of
just the same old... it's all about the story!!

"Wasted Partygoat Wakes
Up 48 Hours Later To
Find Himself Skinny
As a Toothpick"

Now you just tell the story and give them
some nuggets and tips so they opt-in.

Just so you know, that's an example.

I'm in no way a good copywriter.




P-S. I've sent you an PM too about the other stuff.
Peace
Peace

LOL, that's one hell of a headline!

...And you made it Adwords friendly... Haha... I'll probably swipe your concept and run it on Adwords

Anyways, yeah, I've got feedbacks that the new photo doesn't have much contrast (if any) with the old photo...

And that's why I reframed it and used it as a selling point...

People are going to stumble mentally on Signaporean. Just say Asian, or leave ethnicity out completely. Will it work for Italians? Or Poles? Mostly it's not a word you see every day or year or decade so your brain slows down a bit IMO.

Hi Coverguy,

I would lose the word "Singaporean" and use the word "asian." Also, your lead in before people give you their email address is bad. No one wants the full story. They want something like a report or a tip sheet.

You need to come up with a better lead in for the sign up.

Other than that, a pretty compelling squeeze page. You should do well with it.

-- Rachel

Hmmm, I think for a market that is desperately seeking a "magic pill" then you'll get more interest than I would imagine.

But personally, I am stuck on "believability" -- 48 hours for something sustainable? My "BS-detector" is on full strength and I'm very skeptical. Water loss? Bloated figure changing? Super-quick cleanse? Realistic? It's even hard to tell from just one set of photos (is he pushing out his stomach in the before shots?) -- perhaps you could overcome my skepticism and objections even with adding a line like "23 case studies inside prove that this simple, 48-hour system really works" or something like that.

Do I starve myself? Lock myself in a sauna? What don't I have to do for this to happen? That could be addressed (along with the mention of case studies) in just 2 sentences.

You say the results CAN be replicated, but don't promise they already have been for others.

I don't see enough promise of proof inside that overcomes my feelings that it's an unbelievable can't-happen-to-me claim.

In some ways I don't mind Singaporean -- but so long as you address that it works for people who are not Singaporean!

I would also sign the letter.

There seems to be a change required in the sub-head... "And he don't think it's a miracle" -- change "don't" to "doesn't".

Hope that helps,
Cheers,

Sure, I can see it working to some degree. It's like a double edged axe. Instead of the chunk to hunk photos you have your twist with the 48 hours time and "some minor results".

Seems like a good concept actually.. but you kind of lack credibility.

Good luck.

Personallly, I think it's too long beats around the bush.

Assuming the goal is to get people to opt in, here's what I'd do... test your squeeze page against something like this:
>>>>

You Know I Couldn't Say This If It Weren't True ...

In 48 Hours My Belly Fat's Gone! And ...

In minutes my secret could be working for you by simply entering your name and email address below:


Note: Your email address will NEVER be rented, traded or sold. Your e-mail address will NEVER be made available to anyone -- period. Your complete confidentiality is guaranteed. By subscribing you will NEVER receive a bunch of unwanted junk e-mail.

So, take 30 seconds that could change the rest of your life. This special offer will end without any prior notice.

>>>>>>

And that's it. Nothing else. Save the photos and the remaining verbage to pre-sell the paid version, or create a one-time offer they see after they press the submit button.

Charles