Would anyone care to critique the sales page for my online singing course at
www.thecaptivatingsinger.com ?

Does it come across as hype? Does it make you want to read the whole page?

Go for it… Let your voice out… Feel free to be brutally honest.

I greatly appreciate your feedback

Per

Per,
Where the Hell did a freakin' "voice coach" learn how to write copy like this!

Really... I just did some quick glances through your copy and I LOVE IT!

Sure there are a couple of rough spots that might need a little refining and ironing, but overall...

Very nice job!

With your permission? With your permission?.... Awesome lead in!

This one is going into my swipes.

PS - Especially like the bullets. This copy is full of nice benefits. This is how it is supposed to be done.

And if I hear one crack about how terrible this copy is from any of you other folks, I'll know that you're just yearning for attention.

OK, just kidding... critique away!

Gosh golly... well... thanks, Stephen

I guess I'll wait to bask in the glory in case someone else totally trashes it, which would be okay. Go for it folks.

I really want to up my conversion rate. However, if the problem isn't the copy,
I'm suspecting my traffic so far (this is fairly new) doesn't match the price point. I've been bidding on fairly general keywords so far and plan to go for more of the long tail, and I'm not getting enough natural traffic yet. I'm thinking a less expensive course to bring people into the funnel might be the way to. Any thoughts?

I know this question is beyond the copy critique though, so feel free to critique the copy as it stands.

Anyway, I greatly appreciate your feedback, Stephen. Not to take too much of your time, but if you see rough spots that are more glaring than others, I'm all ears.

Thanks,

Per

Per,
If I get some time, I'll take another look tomorrow and get back to you.

BTW - Sorry if I stifled the critics a bit. Just being a little excited last night as I had just finished writing some hyped-up copy!

Hi Per,

I would assign a value to each bonus. And 3 bonuses are much better than 2 --- there's something very special about the power of 3.

Also, there's no explanation for the line through the $347. You've already done a good job establishing value, so I don't think you need the $347 at all.

And the PPS. It's probably not fear that's stopping people from ordering. I'd repeat the no-risk guarantee in the PPS instead.

Re: Adwords

I've had my best success using broad-match keywords combined with exact-match negative keywords. Run your keywords through the "Keyword Tool" --- it will give you a list of the search phrases Google considers a match. Then use exact-match negative keywords to eliminate the search phrases that don't really apply to your product.

Also, run the report called "Search Query". It will give you a list of the search phrases people used each time they clicked. You might find some other search phrases to eliminate.

Alex

Thanks Alex,

I appreciate it. I'll get to work on implementing your advice.

Thanks

Per

Alright, I know that what you really want is for someone to find everything that could possibly be wrong in your sales letter and point it out... so... that's what I am going to do. Normally I am a nice guy, but I am going to try to be a mean, foul mouthed bastard so I can get in the right mindset and find everything wrong with your sales letter.

Now, how can we make this copy convert better?

By giving content in your sales page. You can take a small sample from each video (say a minute or two) and put that up for people to watch. Why should you do this? Well 2 reasons

1. It gives them a sample so they will want more
2. It invokes the law of reprocity (read the psychology of influence)

Anyways, that would be the first place to start.

Next, the sub-heads for your testimonials at the bottom of your page are too small AND they are too hard to read. The color you picked for your testimonial boxes sucks, its hard to read. Split test different colors (*hint* try yellow)

Okay here's a little tip for whenever you are trying to improve conversions.

What is the most important part of the salesletter?

The Headline!

So, what is the first thing you should test if your salespage doesn't pull like you want it to? The Headline. If the headline sucks then it doesn't matter how good or bad the rest of the sales copy is. Now sure you could write up a bunch of headlines and have us try and guess which one will pull better - but thats a fast way to lose money online.

You wanna know why? Not even the creme de la creme copywriters like Gary Bencivenga can guess which headline is going to pull more than 50% of the time (provided of course that one headline isn't blatantly obvious as crap).

So what do you do? You test! Write up 70 headlines, pick the strongest ten out of those and test them. Then... keep testing!

Personally I think the reading path of your headline sucks because I must have tried reading your headline at least 3 times before having my eyes wander to some place else. So two things, your headline is

A. Boring
B. Hard to read

You know what, if I am surfing the internet and come across your salespage - what do I want? To be entertained!

You must first capture attention and then make your salespage interesting.

How do you make something interesting? Tell me an interesting story! There is a lot of other ways, but that is an easy to understand way to make a sales letter interesting. Also, the appeal of your headline is weak, really weak.

You need a much stronger appeal. Think of it this way, you have 5 seconds to shout something at someone across the street to get their attention - what do you say? You need to focus on the core desire of your prospect and then put that desire into your headline.

What's the core desire of this market? To be rich and famous! To be that which men want to be and women want to be with!

That is their real desire. Who gives a f*ck about singing better, I wanna know how to make lots of money and get lots of beautiful women!

To tell you the truth I have actually considered buying a singing product or taking singing lessons because I want to further advance my abilities. However, the way your sales letter is now, I most certainly would not buy it.

I dont want to just sing better - I want the benefits of being able to sing better. Which are a sight unseen in your salesletter

What are the benefits? Well for me I am motivated to want to sing better so I could a. Perhaps sing in a band (I played drums in a heavy metal band for 7 years and enjoyed it a lot, but i've always wanted to try my hand at singing.)So for me personally - as a potential prospect for your product...

I would want to know how me (someone who knows nothing about singing theory but has simply had a lifelong time of practice via singing along to songs) can reach a level of skill good enough to sing in a band and then... be the envy of men and the desire of women everywhere.

Thats what I really want to buy, the fame, the fortune, the admiration. The feeling of being able to sing and everyone being in marvel of my abilities. So thats what you should give to me, your prospect!

Honestly I don't give a damn if I can hit a single note so long as people think I am good and I become the affection of women everywhere along with my adoring fans. So tell me how I can become the admiration of people when I sing, how I can sing a song and then get people clapping and cheering for me. That's what I really want.

Okay so back to the real desires around this product. What you have to do is tie your product in with these key desires. Especially in your headline. You need to first identify the key desires of your prospect, pick the strongest desire out of those and then use that in your headline.

Focus on benefits!!!!!

If you don't know how to write good benefits then go listen to Michel Fortin's Interview with Gary Halbert at www.boostmyresponse.com

Now I do not know for certain if you have any benefits in your salescopy, but even if you have them - they are not obvious enough. Sure I have not read your entire sales copy, but if it was good enough I would of.

Your letter does not get enough attention, even if you can build interest once they are into the letter... it doesn't matter if I don't read the letter! So more attention and take your prospect down the slippery slope.

I've posted a new version somewhat inspired by Maximus' comments. Thanks for those comments, Maximus.
The new version is at Online Singing Lessons - Learn how to sing and improve your singing voice with online voice lessons created by Per Bristow
and the previous one is at Online Singing Lessons - Learn how to sing and improve your singing voice with online voice lessons created by Per Bristow

Anyone have an opinion?

So Maximus, let me take this opportunity and ask you; when you played drums in the band, why didn't you step up to the mike? What stopped you? Why don't you now, since you say you want to? The probable cause is that you're afraid you suck. You feel you can't sing like a heavy metal singer for more than 5 minutes before shredding your vocal cords, or sing with the power and range that the style demands.

Would you seek my help because you're not rich and famous enough or because you can't get laid? Probably not. I'm not so sure that's your problem.

It's a nice by-product that my coaching offers, which you and every singer are well aware of. But what's your core desire really? What can I help you with?

Isn't what you really want to be able to sing the way you want to sing for hours and hours, knowing you can do it again the next day, with complete confidence, complete freedom, knowing how damn good you sound and how you with your newfound open charisma can attract whatever you want.

You may want to get laid, others might just want to feel this sense of empowerment after years of never having had the guts to step up to the mike, after years of believing they can't sing on pitch when they in fact can learn to do so in a week.

Just pondering aloud - trying to get to the core.

Having said all this, I suspect the salespage is too long for this kind of audience.

Opinions please.

Hello Per,

Just took a look at your new site. Love the headline. It's a keeper for sure. I also like the way you lead into the sales letter - another keeper.

Now ... for my critique.

You are, if I understand your letter correctly, selling a 6-week course comprised of video lessons emailed every week. So why oh why do you show a CD with a CD box?

It's a mistake because you're confusing your readers. After looking at your (very good) graphics, I'm convinced this will be a DVD or CD course mailed out to me. But then I find that you are really selling online video clips.

As someone who would potentially purchase your product, it's a turnoff because it's somewhat misleading.

Here's what I would do. Just show 1 video clip or put up a squeeze page where interested prospects can request your video. You'll build your list and can then market to them.

I also checked out your price and there's absolutely no way I would ever pay $247 for it. But that's just me. Now I might pay that for a 6 DVD/CD set - but not for online video.

-- Rachel

Thanks Rachel, you bring up a great point. How to graphically illustrate the course is something I've battled with, and I've never felt quite comfortable with the way it is.

Since everyone uses real book covers for E-books, software covers for software, and even DVD covers for Camtasia videos, I was lead to believe DVD covers for online videos would be the accepted way to go. But you're probably right that it might have a negative effect.

I've also come to realize that a physical product has a higher perceived value.

From an educational stand point, people get far greater results from the way it is set up now (getting a lesson at a time, getting reminders, being held accountable, etc.) than if they were given the whole DVD set (which would end up on the shelf in most cases). How to convince people of that is another question.

Anyway, I'm seriously considering redoing the course.

Here's my thinking: How about a version with a much lower entry price delivered as physical DVDs, tied into a continuity program for those who want to learn more?

Any thoughts?

Per