HI there,
I am getting ready for the new years fitness rush and I would like to make my sales page convert higher. You can watch my Top Secret Ab Training video any time you want as a personal thank you from me.
Your constructive criticism would be greatly appreciated!

Sales page:
Los Angeles Personal Trainer | Los Angeles Personal Training - weight loss, exercise and fitness programs: Los Angeles, Celebrity personal trainers los angeles, Beverly Hills Personal Trainers

Video:
Beverly Hills Plastic Surgeons,Beverly Hills Plastic Surgery

Thanks So Much!!!

Leon Lavigne
CEO
Beverly Hills Fitness Group, Inc.
leon@beverlyhillsfitnessexperience.com

I'm not thrilled with the design, with all the layout gimmicks which break up the visual flow of the main body copy. The blue section, with pseudo stick letter, doesn't help. You might test removing it and other visual road blocks.

Clicking on the "Top Secret" ab video doesn't seem to do anything. You may want to insert it directly on the page, ready to play (YouTube style). That way, the video is accessible but doesn't actually start to download unless clicked.

Since nothing in the letter was persuasive enough for me to go further than that, I did not feel compelled to see what was in the video.

The graphic niceties like the header actually steal the attention away from useful design elements like the "As seen on TLC" plug. Rather than greasing the skids for the reader, the Frankenstein-like design has individual elements fight each other for attention.

Check out this letter which has a lot of visual elements but manages to integrate them so they go with the body copy.

The copywriting makes all kinds of claims without informing the reader about the "reason why."

• Top Notch Education From the Best Certification Company
• Los Angeles' Most Trusted Personal Trainer
• Why your stuff works when nobody (in all L.A.) knows what they're doing

Really this letter is playing "I have a secret" with the reader. It has every copywriting gimmick, but no information value.

....What, exactly, was on The Learning Channel? A one-on-one interview with Leon Lavigne explaining the revolutionary exercises and showing actual before/after results?! You don't say.

....What is the name of the best certification company and what makes it great? You don't say.

....Where are all the before and afters showing results? You don't say.

Finally the letter tries to sell too many different products. Products which could be bundled differently under a coherent unified offer, with bonuses. Consequently, it's not a sales page -- it's a dozen copy elements looking for a unifying theme. Figure out your best, strongest offer ...then offer it. Replace the graphics gimmicks with before and after client pictures, pictures of your gym, pictures of your physique, stills from the video, stills from whatever was on The Learning Channel you make oblique reference to.

The letter has rookie copywriter written all over it. It's all gimmick an no central offer. The result is it has that "copywriting is just hucksterism and incredible claims" feel to it.

Contrary to the popularly misinformed, that's exactly what copy shouldn't do.


Related:

How to Find the “Selling Story” Buried in Your Business

What Would Direct Graphic Design Be Like?

How to Build Value With Belief Structure

Leon,

No offense, but your page needs a lot of work. Take a look at 2 of my clients' pages and you'll see what I mean.

vincedelmontefitness.com and musclegaintruth.com. Now 2 of the biggest selling training programs online.

Hi Leon,

John has given you an incredibly value critique, and Vin has given you winning examples from your niche...

I'll agree with them both and say I don't think there is much here to salvage, but if you plan to - it might help you to have some specifics...

Let's look at this subhead:

"How Amazing Will Your Life Be Once You Have The Sexy And Fit Body You Have Always Dreamed Of After Training With Me And Learning All My Fitness Secrets???"

The aim of this subhead to make a big promise, which is how amazing my life will be once I start training with you ... You allude to my sexy and trim new body, but before I can even envision it, you're already talking about yourself again, and how in demand you are.

You've got to stop yelling at me about what I'm going to miss out on long enough for me to envision what it would be like to have what you're telling me I'm missing out on...

Also, never use multiple question marks, or any punctuation. Some might disagree with me on this, but I've never seen a case where it created more emphasis, it just looks desperate and immature.

What this letter needs is direction. You'll do well to clean the slate, back up and start again by first deciding 1.Your 3 main benefits, 2. finding your USP, and 3. deciding the copy appeal that will hit home with your target.

Frame the copy around those three things, write in a voice that doesn't make people want to punch you (very few people will pay to be badgered into a better body) and structure your offer in a concise, value increasing sequence and you'll be in much better shape than you are now.

Good luck,

Hey everybody,
Thank you very much for your valuable feedback. I appreciate it, and will implement the changes that I can.
Sincerely,
Leon