Hello all,

I am an insurance sales manager (think of that silly duck) who is tired of subjecting either the public or my people to any more cold calling.

To that end I've developed a series of 3 salesletters to be mailed at 10 day intervals. Problem is, after all the study I did, there's no one with copy experience to read the letters and opine as to whether they are OK or stinky.

I am bitten by the copywriting bug pretty badly and have been lurking here because it is simply the best. All you guys are such pros. I am sure there are other lurkers who share my opinion about your dedication.

If any of you feel so inclined the letter is up at...

http://www.paycheck-protection.com

Thanks in advance for your input.

FHS, for an insurance guy, you do great at copywriting. Okay, I just blasted through this in fifteen minutes, so this is not a complete critique, but just the highlights. Overall, I think it's really good. A few points:

- Use a headline under the salutation

- Don't invoke the name of Wal-Mart … they actually get a lot of negative press about how badly they compensate their employees. Fed Ex and UPS are great though.

- I think the points in the second paragraph need a little work … not sure what, just my first impression

- using the phrase "Executive Briefing" – great!

- Title of the briefing/report – is there another word you can use instead of "blowout"? It just doesn't sound right to me juxtaposed with the word "corporate."

- Put a hard return between bullet points. Great points overall. I would probably rearrange the order of them, and eliminate "startling insight about financial security" – that's too vague. Eliminate it or make it more specific.

Reorder your "4 simple answers" –
#3 should go first, #4 second, #1 third, #2 may be redundant.

Change the "OK" in "they became instantly 'OK' about introducing it to their employees" to something stronger and more compelling.

Great about unanswered voice mail – they know nobody will bug them.

Nice job! Let us know how it works for you.

Eileen,

Thanks, that was exactly the sort of input I needed.

I mailed 50 letters to a 100% deliverable list Wed. and so far no response. I have no idea if that is good or bad but will send 50 follow up letters a week from Monday... stay tuned.

Thanks again it was a huge help.

Be well,

Frank

Hi Frank,

Hi Frank,

A couple of points:
1) 10 day intervals is too long, cut it down to about 5. The 2nd letter should have a 2nd Attempt stamped on it in red. And, I'd put a red "confidential stamp" on the envelope, too.

2) Your headline is weak, weak, weak. A better headline is actually contained in your first paragraph.

"Michael, Fortin & Associates can have a “State Of The Art” benefits program like Wal-Mart, Fed-Ex and UPS. Just make these simple modifications (with no cash outlay) to your existent plan."

That is better BUT it is probably STILL not the best hook/headline you could hit them with. This one might work better...

"Free 'must-read' executive briefing reveals....

“What You Will Absolutely Need To Know If You Intend To Survive The Coming Corporate Health Care Blowout”

3) I know its unbelievable but these guys will NOT move to action to save their employees - but they WILL call you to save money, make money and/or avoid the pain of lawsuits... Your bullets go into it really well, one of the really good ones is: "How to spot the loaded litigation pistol you may be unknowingly handing your worst employee!"

4) I'd weave a story into the letter near the top about how a once successful businessman got destroyed because he didn't know/utilize your information. Well-told stories are extremely powerful. I can send you a sample of my one of my ads that demonstrates this...It is about to go out in nation-wide (u.s.) papers soon.

Also, I have different versions of points #4 and #5 that I've mailed you privately about. Check your private mail box...

-- Jason Bedunah
http://www.jasonbedunah.com

Frank,

Jason gave you some good advice, and to take his suggested headline further, here's what I would do:

“How Many Of The 7 Most Deadly Employee Benefit Mistakes Are Going To Rob You Of Cash, Even Kill Your Business In The Coming Corporate Health Care Blowout?”

By the way, over X% of all businesses make these common blunders and are either paying now, or risk paying through the teeth in any given moment!

This is a real tragedy, because it is so easy to avoid these massive cash wastes. With the right employee benefits plan, you not only have more control over XXX, give more benefits to your employees, but you even save up to X% on your monthly employee benefit payments!


I just winged that, but it should work to get their attention - of course it could be 3 or 10 mistakes - depending on your offer, I just made up 7...

And I agree with Jason - lead them into a story, or two - the second story could be a positive experience that leads into your offer.

Prevention is a tough sale, so you have to really get their attention at the heart of the matter... their precious cash! You're going to save them from looming disaster! Your letter has to have this urgency.

The fact that you will also help their employees is a secondary benefit to the real hook that will sell.

HTH,

Tim

Jason & Tim,

Thanks guys, I see what your driving at.

I just climbed into the "BigChair" with: tortilla chips; a bowl of salsa; a brewed beverage (it is Saturday night after all) and the laptop to start re-working the letter.

I'll upload the re-work when I'm done if you care to see your all too generous suggestions implemented.

Once again your time is very much appreciated.

Regards,

Frank