Launching to My List Soon: Critiques Wanted ...

EDIT: Making some changes to my site right now!

Cheers
C

Looks like a solid effort. Most of the basics are there. An early emotional ramp-up that seems to lose steam as the letter goes on, but it's more a stylistic quibble at this point. There is actual belief structure that goes beyond the testimonial, which is noteworthy. Overall, good work.

You can work to credentialize Robert Good. And you might go over the copy with a fine tooth comb, I did spot some awkward wording. Try re-reading the guarantee, where it is most critical. "...immediately to pay..."? There are several improvements you can make to flow, wording and so on, but nothing a careful readthrough (which I did not do, btw) wouldn't fix.

I would suggest you try to use design to differentiate the source data (National Institute of Mental Health, etc...) from testimonials. These need more of an editorial or tearsheet look, for instance like it was torn out of the paper, jagged edges and all. I believe this can be done without disrupting the flow of the body copy, but it should be tested.

Overall, I would suggest you're close to control-level, and need to try to break the control. That's not something you're likely to get revealed in a public (or free private) critique.

Thanks John, some great points, ta! I'll get working on those.

Any resources around for creating a new control?

Cheers
C

I would consider chopping out some of the first parts...all the descriptions of anxiety. I know it connects well to the prospect, and it is well written, but I think it's too much. At least do some tests with all of it cut down to one or two paragraphs.

But what it really needs from the start (perhaps in place of some of that 'are you' strategy) is some kind compelling story or example that will make something click in the readers head. I'm not talking about any kind of lightening bolt...just something with enough kick that will make a reader say 'yeah, I never though of it that way...this guy really knows what he's talking about.' Almost like a stand-up comedian observation. Something everyone knows but never thinks about.

You could do something on the fact that people always equate stress with gray hair...yet the older folks who have gone gray never seem as stressed as the younger folks. Maybe they know something we don't.

Or perhaps ... oh, I can't think right now... too much to drink. But you see what I mean.