Guys,

Please critique my copy... any suggestions and/or changes would be most appreciated...

Here's the site... I learned what I could from Bly's Handbook.

http://www.howtomakeworkfun.com

PS

I just bought the AWAI Course - is it any good?

Thank You in advance,
Brendan (Author) How To Make Work Fun

Hi Brendan,

I want to congratulate you on your efforts to learn. The copy shows that you paid attention and tried your hardest to put that knowledge to good use.

But if you've been paying attention to this board, then you know that we're pretty straight forward with critiques...

This copy misses the mark on so many levels, I'm not sure where to begin.

It could be that you just need practice...I'm not sure. But let's just go over the headline and first paragraph.

Which of these topics??? If you listed some topics somewhere, then I missed them.

Then you repeated 'sky-rocket' in your sub-heading. And the two don't fit together at all. I mean they don't flow. As you're writing, stop after each statement you make and then ask yourself what the very next thing your reader will be thinking. Then answer it in your next statement.

Don't waste words on 'keep reading'. They're already reading. Get to the point.

Now for the paragraph...which isn't at all connected to the headings.

You go immediately from 'organizing' to 'having fun' without any beats between them. Think of copy as a song. One idea MUST lead to the next just as one note leads to the next. It should sound good together...not clash.

Then we're on to stress and then relationships...my head is spinning.

Start with organizing and stay with it. Either create a visual of what organized means, show why it helps a career, or show why (now let's get back to the original idea) IT MAKES WORK FUN!

I think that you might be able to pull this off...but you're going to have to scrap this and start over. I think maybe you're trying too hard to follow what you learned about copywriting. Let the lessons sink in, and then just let it flow out as you write.

You can go back later and make sure you're following the 'rules' that you learned.