Good morning all.

I recently put together my first squeeze page and salesletter. Please let me know what you all think.

Squeeze page: http://www.OvercomingYourShyness.com
One-time-offer sales page: Overcoming Shyness,Social Anxiety,Low Self Esteem

Thanks!
Peter

Hi Peter,

Just took a look. Here's what I think. Your strategy (of having them see the offer only once) is flawed.

Do you think they're going to buy after seeing your sales page just once? Nope. Not going to happen. Especially since your sales page needs a lot of work.

Besides, your squeeze page (which isn't bad) is collecting email address for follow up right? So why the one time offer?

Now, I'm actually a pretty shy person. Your mega-headline isn't really convincing me to read further. All you really need to say for your headline is something like:

"Say Goodbye to Shyness Forever" and that would have hooked me. That's a good headlne because it makes a bold promise.

Now ... deliver on that promise and convince me how it's possible to say goodbye to shyness forever.

-- Rachel

Hi Rachel,

Thanks so much for your critique.

I thought that my squeeze page headline doesn't flow too well. "Say Goodbye to Shyness Forever" seems a lot better. I'll be putting it through split testing. Thanks for that!

As for the one-time-offer, the visitors will be taken to that sales page immediately after they opt-in. The idea is that the offer is only valid once and should they pass, it will never be made to them again. They have the option to purchase the package later on, but at a higher price. And yes, there is a follow-up sequence for the product, one of the email followups allow visitors to re-view the one-time-offer one more time.

The salespage and OTO sequence isn't converting badly, although I'd like it to perform better. I'm open to all opinions on how to improve it.

Thanks again,
Peter

in the page it keeps talking about shyness... but that doesn't mean jack to the person reading it... what does the shyness stop them from doing?

what conversations in their head are they having?

theres a total disconnect for me reading that.

right now its just words but theres no emotional connection to the reader and i think if you can drill that down to specifics your conversion rate will increase a lot.

Hi davemiz,

Thanks for your suggestion!

I've reworked the squeeze page a bit: what do you think of it now?

Thanks!

Until I was in my early thirties, I suffered from debilitating shyness. (I can now hear some of my friends on the board laughing in disbelief.) It's true. It got in the way of living. My son is also shy.

Here's a critique from someone who has been there:

First of all, a shy person may need to see your page more than once to buy. You're dealing with SHY people. It can be humiliating. Shy people aren't always impulsive. The BUY NOW OR NEVER OPTION is not the best way to go. I would eliminate that entire "you're only going to see this page once." It doesn't give me a sense of urgency. It makes me feel pressured to buy. Shy people have anxiety issues....

This is not the first guide. I read many step-by-step guides years ago. Too much hype. It's not believable.

You might want to use the "Give Me Just Five Minutes and I'll Show You" approach in the headline. Cut out the hype.

If I were writing this letter, I'd add some action settings to build a bridge of rapport with the reader. Add some typical situations that shy people experience. How does it make them feel? Then, show them what life will be like after they buy your product. I'd actually put the personalized action settings first in your letter, and then go into your story. You'll hook the readers by addressing their fears first. Then, they'll be interested in what you have to say.

For instance, did the guy miss out on getting dates? Did the woman screw up a job interview because her nerves got the best of her? People who are shy often blush a lot. How embarassing is that?

As a reader, I don't care that you were fed up. I'M fed up. Use that in your subhead.

For some reason, $77 seems like a strange pricing strategy for me.

On your squeeze page, this was a total turn-off to me: "Why shy people are arrogant... and how this 'secret' knowledge may instantly vanish all of your fears! (pg. 21) " This is insulting. I'll tell you why. As a child, arrogant classmates would bully me or overlook me. I don't want to be lumped into that group.

I hope this helps.

Good luck!