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Please feel free to tear this apart
as I am totally open minded to
changing whatever I need to
in order to make it work and I
greatly appreciate all of the
advice in advance - Matt
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Just a temporary URL - and far from
the final addition - many thanks.

The copy has not one shred of credibility and not one specific - except for price. There is no offer, no product, nothing but some vague harangue against "a vast self-help conspiracy."

You won't even list the gurus. And really having the blacked out table is a waste of space. However, judging from the rest of the copy, I can see why there's a problem identifying it.

You do not have to give away a single bit of the product free to communicate information to the reader.

You don't explain your credentials. You don't explain why other self-help courses go wrong, and cite no evidence -- and there are a ton of expose's you could cite.

And, with all the nothing in the copy, there isn't even a testimonial to be found.

This needs a product. Then it needs a copywriter. The copy is 100% empty claims and no proof. Since there is no proof or detail, the claim that anyone would feel threatened comes off as preposterous to the reader.

Let's say you're doing this for a diet product. What you do is explain that, on average, people try 4.3 diets before they succeed. They you explain the reason why is there are six types of body chemistry, with a diet that works for each. And your diet plan comes with a little swab you rub inside your mouth and dip in a little chemical, which causes the swab to change color.

And each section of your diet has color coded sections which correspond to the color. Just follow the directions and do the right things for your body chemistry type.

You give up nothing about the diet, but provide the information about why this diet works when others don't.

This is belief structure 101 - and what this letter is missing any shred of. I could ask a hundred questions and barely scratch the surface of what wasn't in the letter. ...What's a rational explanation for the conspiracy? ...If you do happen to put forth an even partially believable arguement for why every one else is a ripoff, what then makes you any different in the reader's mind?

If you tear down the entire industry, you're going to have to be extremely skilled at constructing belief structure for yourself and your offer. You're reduced any benefit of a doubt you may have gotten to zero. The slightest skepticism or lack of completely believable specific spells disaster with the copy angle you've chosen.

People are skeptical, and this copy fails almost every test except for spelling. How you could get through a whole letter and end up with nothing is a major accomplishment.

Read:

This post where I talk about belief structure.

How to Build Value With Belief Structure

How to Find the “Selling Story” Buried in Your Business

Thanks for the review of my sales letter - and the included threads are very helpful. I've read them several times - and will start to work completely rewriting this letter. Most appreciated as I know it will help greatly.

Hello Mattford,

This letter need a lot of work. In fact, it should be scrapped. After scanning it, I suggest you hire a copywriter since any suggestion on my part would not help this letter sell.

-- Rachel

I'm going to totally rewrite this letter. I really appreciate the honest feedback.

where is the url?