Hey Guys,

Im about to start a major promotion of my new site but need to know if it is up to scratch.

I've read this copy so many times, it hurts my head. So I need a fresh pair of eyes on this thing... Would appreciate any feedback you guys can give.

My thoughts are:

1. The subhead may be a little weak?
2. I've read the opening story so many times, I can't tell if its engaging or boring.. What do you think?
3. The bullets may be a little weak?

What do you think?

Here's the link: Golf Psychology Secrets Of The Professionals

Thanks,
Wes

Dear Friend:

I know the greatest critics in the world. They usually accept to read your sales message if you'll pay them 50 c, but if you can convince them to read through everything, you may close sales. (I'll tell you exactly what I am talking about in a minute, but for now, let's see what's wrong with your copy and what's good too)

I have read John Carlton's one legged golfer, and I have copied it long hand many times. Your headline is more than a swipe. And as such, it may not capture your market.


Your ideal prospect may be looking for a new kind of proof, a new mechanism that will deliver the same results. I don't want to go into the details of awareness and sophistication, which Gene Schwartz explained. But your prospect may have become aware of this type of approach, and your headline may just be a "echo" headline. In these respects, I have serious doubts about your headline.

And by the way, what do you mean by the word "Handicap" in the headline. You'll agree with me that "One-Legged Golfer" paints a sharper, more startling image than "handicap" golfer.

Second, the subheadline: "My handicap remained the same....." is not very exciting, in the sense that it doesn't show a solution to the problem of a golfer.

Let me ask you a question:"Are you prospects interested in The Psychology of Golf?" If they are not, then why do you have a sub-head "The Psychology of Golf".

What is the purpose of such a subhead? Would you say that to a prospect standing before you, waiting for more information about your product? Would you stop and tell him, "My friend, You need to know about the Psychology of Golf")

I tried to scan the page, but I find that I don't believe you. I don't get quite a clear picture of the why the product can do what you say it will do for me.

Where in the copy, do you satisfy the "story slant" of the Handicap golfer?

Please take my questions/suggestions with caution because I am only a copywriter and not a avid golfer.

Speaking of being an avid golfer, why don't you buy some traffic from Google or Yahoo and put your letter in front of the right critics. If they don't like your letter, they will tell you quickly. If they do like your letter, they will give you money....and not mere advice.

So my advice: send traffic to the letter and see how it converts.

So my other advice: Go out and try to sell this face to face, or have a simulation because I am sure you know that advertising is salesmanship in print, and if you can sell it face to face, you will have a good start to sell online.

Good luck.

Nice effort and hope you will go ahead and send real golfers to this sales letter.

Sincerely,
Swans G Paul
P.S: I realize that I have told you what was wrong and didn't offer you much in terms of better alternatives. Here's an approach to this copy. Go in your text book, choose one technique that a golfer could use tomorrow to better his game, DEMONSTRATE (and let me repeat the word DEMONSTRATE) this technique in your copy. This demonstration will serve the purpose of real immediate gratification for the reader; It will also increase the reader's need for your whole book....it would be like trying your book without having to buy it at all. I hope I am clear.

P.S: I must give credit to Andrew Cavanaugh, for on his blog he posted a quote by Claude Hopkins, where the greatest God of Advertising, recommends : DEMONSTRATION as a selling technique.

Hi Wes,

Just took a look. It sounds like you're doing something like "The Inner Game of Golf" here. Which is something your prospects may want. But ... your headline isn't doing it for me.

If what you're selling has to do with "golf psychology secrets" I would find a way to work THAT into the headline. As far as the rest of your copy, I haven't read it. And your prospects probably won't as well - as it stands now.

-- Rachel

I normally don't encourage people to do this...but so many of these letters are out there, perhaps it calls for a little sucker punching: