Your first paragraph says "I'm a telemarketer."

That's where I stopped.

Gotta agree w/ Kyle.

I can't predict results, of course, but I'd be willing to bet that not more than 1 or 2 people will even read past the first 2 paragraphs.

Hi Eric,

The meat of your offer is this:

"Above all, our guide’s secret strength is its laser-sharp, precisely targeted distribution- which will literally expose you to 200 000 consumers who have money to spend, AND an interest in what you’re offering!"

If I were you, I'd start your letter off with a benefit driven headline that will captivate your target audience. You should be able to construct one based on the paragraph above.

-- Rachel

I made it a little farther... I stopped when I read, "The only thing I ask in return;"

I said to myself, "What the F#%K? You're asking me for a favor because you didn't call my house and try to sell me something?"

WOW! Thanks for the tips guys-
Nothing better than a hefty dose of truth
when you're too absorbed to evaluate your own work!!

Since my letter's crap, and I'm in the right place,
is there anyone here who could touch it up for me?

I'm obviously not asking for a free favor, I just need help.

Eric,

You need to start over.

You need to get rid of the "wiggle yourself in the door" strategy and just sell what you're selling.

Start where your prospects are. They need more business and they don't have a clue where to get it.

Their wives are bugging them that there's never any money around. They look at their kids and want to give them "the good life..." but they can't.

They've tried ads before. They didn't work. They've paid people like you... no results.

THAT'S where you begin.

How are you gonna fix THAT? That's what they want to know.

They're not going to give you the time of day with that letter. You need to give them a darn good reason to stop a moment and listen to you.

You do that with PROOF.

Where's the proof Eric?

If your guide is powerful and efficient, then you need to show it.

R-E-S-U-L-T-S

That's what they want. They want to hear about results.

They've got to believe that THEY can do this. Or they won't bite.

You're in your 3rd year. Where's the proof that your guide is worth its salt?

If you don't have any results... fine. Everyone's got to start somewhere. But then you're gonna need an amazing offer to get them to give you a chance.

Scrap the letter. And start over.

That might sound harsh. But if I was in your shoes, that's what I would do. Especially if my job depended on it.

If you're (really) only sending this to a handful of people, then PICTURE one of them in your head and write to HIM/HER.

You've got to transform yourself from an annoying pest into a welcomed guest.

Right now, you're asking their permission (begging) AND playing the scarcity card at the same time.

That's gonna confuse the heck out of 'em and make you look weak at the same time.

It just sounds like you don't believe in your product. If you do, then write like it. If not, then fix the product.

So maybe this won't help you by tomorrow. But that's not the point.


P.S. You don't send ONE letter. You send 6... or 7. If I stopped my promos after the first letter, you wouldn't be reading this... I would have had my internet access cut off months ago because I'd be OUT OF MONEY.

Good luck Eric. You can do this...

Thank you so much Jason,
your wise words are very much appreciated!

Where can I find someone who can redo it for me?

And how much can I expect to pay?

Something like this...

[DISCLAIMER: I wrote this while watching three children, cooking a pasta dinner AND keeping my dog from eating my sofa cushion...]

Dear _____,

I have a hunch you're going to want to call me after you read this letter. If so, my number is ______________.

The reason I'm writing is because I'd like to tell 80,000 people about your business.

Now before you get the wrong idea, these "people" I'm talking about aren't just your average, run of the mill folks.

These people are a little "different."

-They make over $80,000 per year.

-They live in the richest neighbourhoods in the greater Montreal region, south and north shore.

-They're between the ages of 35 - 54 years old.

-And MOST of them are either planning, or presently renovating their homes with an average budget of $29,500.

Would you have any use for people like that to know about your business?

If so, then you need to call me today.

But before you do, there's one more thing I need to make clear.

I sell ads. And I'm writing to you because I think that what I have to offer might be very valuable to your business over the coming months.

But I'm not sure it's right for you. And I don't want to give you the wrong idea.

See, I'm not like most of those other ad salesmen... the ones who send you a letter about how great their publication is (without any proof) and then offer you the "opportunity" to place an ad.

"While supplies last..." they say. "Better hurry because space is limited."

Blah, blah, blah. I'm sure you know their tricks. And I know you've seen all their games.

Well, at least you get their letters. But then you never hear from them again.

I'm just a little bit different.

See, I understand that you don't really care about ads. You care about what the ads DO for your business.

Heck, if the ads don't create any RESULTS, then they're as good as useless, right?

I want to help you create RESULTS. Real customers, real money, real profits.

The thing is, I have access to 80,000 customers who are going to spend their money somewhere...

They're going to renovate their homes.

Whether they give their money to YOU to do that... well, that's all up for grabs.

If you'd like me to give you some ideas about how to make sure their money goes to YOUR bottom line, then you need to give me a call.

Remember, I'm not selling you anything here... in this letter. Anybody who tries to do that either isn't too intelligent or they just aren't paying attention.

But I'd like to speak with you. And the sooner the better.

The thing is, I have exactly ____ spaces left for businesses that I can help. I really don't know if one of them is right for you.

How could I know until I talk with you?

If you'd like to hear some ideas about how to boost your business this year, then give me a call.

Thanks and good luck...

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[Add some sort of PS with your deadline... etc.]