Hey everyone!

Last time I posted up some copy for you folks to graciously critique, I was extremely impressed and excited about the suggestions. I've implemented almost all of them and I'm still tweaking here and there.

I apologize to those who I have not directly thanked, I am just not done with my previous project as of yet.

In the meantime I've got an interesting request that you folks might have some fun with!

There's a fairly new website that's started up called .: The Community for Excellence :.

It's a free site, which is a lot like this one, it's primarily a message board, but with a twist. It's mainly focused on people trying to improve areas of their life. It's actually executed very well and they have some real quality people on the site.

They are trying to grow their membership to add more value to the site and are trying to do so through the web and also through print advertisements that will be posted around town, etc.

This specific request refers to a banner/poster or a something that may be posted in gyms, colleges and public places such as supermarkets etc. They will have the graphical elements professionally developed, but they don't know where to go for the copy.

They have a draft and have asked me to see what you folks think of it.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Here it is:

The flyer is missing a ton of vital elements...

1. A powerful reason to visit the website...A special event, a free gift, something...anything beyond the bland "we exist...isn't that reason enough!?"
2. PROOF -- why should we even bother believing that this website will help us. Sounds like another scam to me. What kinds of results have the members been getting?
3. A targeted audience. If this is going to be posted on college campuses...scream out: ATTENTION: COLLEGE STUDENTS. Or better yet: ATTENTION BIOLOGY MAJORS. Or better yet: ATTENTION FEMALE BIOLOGY MAJORS AGE 21-27. You get the point...any biologist/woman aged 21-27 is naturally going to be interested. Few people are going to read "we can help you achieve your goals." Get specific.
4. IMPACT. Visual layout is vital to get attention amongst the dozens of other flyers posted...Use asymetry and contrast to create a powerful attention grabbing layout. A photo of someone who looks like your target audience can also be effective. Be careful to NOT make the flyer look too polished/professional. Ugly works.

Good luck with this.

Jacob

boplicity,

Thanks for your honest opinion. I also think that some critical elements may be missing from this copy, I've thrown up a bit of a revision myself.

Any comments would be greatly appreciated!

Thanks!

Hey everyone,

I know we haven't had a lot of comments on this yet.

But again, any and all help would be really appreciated.

Here's the newest revision that's been posted.

Any suggestions on the copy would be incredible. (This banner was not written by me.)

Here it is:



Thanks for your help!!

Dude,

Your first site looks like a nice, respectable, family
type site.

Then I see this flyer and it looks like Eminem is rocking
the Mic with a stripper near his crotch.

I'm just failing to see how these 2 people are going to change my
life. But hey, if the stripper wants to come hang out I'll
at least lie and say my life has been changed!

I'm being graphic for a reason.

Others may easily turned off by that and think your community
is full of juveniles.

Good luck.

J-Mo

Sorry dude, I reread your post and saw that you were trying
to target college kids.

I'm curious...

Are college kids even remotely concerned about excellence
yet? Of course they may tell you they are, but seriously
how many of these kids care about being in a excellence
group?

I would think you'd be wasting your time even targeting
these younger people, and go for the people that are
truly ready for the change instead.

****, when you are 22 you already know everything!

Ya know what I'm saying?