I've read Bly, and Sugarmen but until you actually hear it from others you'll just never know if your good enough to quit your day job and do this fulltime... Thats my plan of course since I just spent $350+ on the AWAI Six figure course.

Anyway thats not what this post is about... Please critique my first attempt at online copy - the site has already lauched.

How to Make Work Fun

Thanks in advanced and please please be very very frank!!

Thanks,
Farlow

Hi Farlow,

Your graphic and headline are both interesting ... but I would reword and get rid of the many questions you have here. Two are more than enough. I would write it this way:

HEADLINE:

Got Job Stress?
Career in bad shape?

SUBHEAD:

Something can be done about it. Keep reading...
and easily start WINNING BIG in your career.

Other than this, the main problem I see with your sales page is I don't get a sense of how YOU can help me. What makes you uniquely qualfied to help? I'm not finding the answers here and if I can't you can bet prospects won't either.

Come up with a good USP and you'll improve this 100%.

Hope this helps,

-- Rachel

Just a few random comments for you here Farlow...

I don't know anything about the AWAI course, but what did they teach you about headlines?


Sorry, but I don't think that random assortment of exclamations is going to work well as a headline for you. If it were me, I'd probably use something like "Eliminate job stress and learn how to fast-track your career, Guaranteed!" or something that focuses on the key benefit people will get from reading your book.

Testimonials are great when they're believable, but unless you can get permission to use someones full name, I don't think I'd even bother. Even better is if you can get a photo and/or an audio clip to use too - anything to give people a reason to trust what you say.

How long is this book? How many chapters? How about including a complete chapter listing along with the subjects covered?

I'd take a look at David Frey's Small Business Marketing Bible site and take notes while you're there. He's got an excellent sales letter, dozens of testimonials - many with audio, complete chapter listings and a break down of exactly what you're getting when you invest in his book. Notice he tells you who he is and why you should believe him. People visiting your site will be wondering who you are and why they should believe you - so you need to answer that question for them while they're reading your letter.

I was going to suggest offering up a few free chapters to folks, but then I see you have an option to do that, just at the very bottom of your sales letter. Why wait so long to offer them a preview? I'd make that one of the first things people see on your site, because you never know if they'll read that far in your sales letter to get to where it's placed now.

Lastly, your personal note from the author seems like a nice touch, but signed with only a first name I still don't know who you are or why I should believe anything you have to say. Not knowing who you are or why people should trust you also takes away from your guarantee too.

HTH some and good luck with your ebook!

Steve

WOW!! I do appreciate both of your posts very much. I will rework the copy per your suggestions. Thank You very much. I appreciate your time and every word in your post will not be ignored.

Thanks,
Farlow

One thing I would never do is mix a photo with an illustration showing a "before and after" as you have done.

Hey thats very cool... The animated Gif - cool!

Thanks for the advice. Oh and that headline really rocks... Can you send me the images files for it? I really like what you did.

Thanks very much for the critique.