Hello,

This was one of my first attempts at a squeeze page.

Would somebody be kind (or not kind) enough to give me a critique?


I have thick skin

Thanks,

Russ

British guy discovers it? If you're selling to Americans, you should specify whether you mean football or soccer.

Thanks Eric..it's a British guy selling British Football primarily to other British guys.

Hi Russ,

After looking at your copy I have to say it's not bad. But, I would tweak a few things to make it read easier ... i.e.,

Here's what you have for your headline:

At Last! Young British Man Discovers How To Begin Turning Consistent Profits Betting On Football In As Little As 5 Days!

I would change it to:

Finally! Young Brit Shows You How To Turn Consistent Profits Betting On Football ... In As Little As 5 Days!

Here's what you have for your subhead:

If You Would Like To Learn How To Drastically Improve The Consistency Of Your Football Betting Results... Then This Free Report May Be The Most Important Thing You Read All Year

I would tweak it and end up with:

If You Want To Drastically Improve Your Football Betting Results... Then This Free Report May Be The Most Important Thing You Read All Year!

Hope this helps.

-- Rachel

Hey Rachel...that helps alot. The headline and subheadline is a lot tighter now. I have made the changes.

Much appreciated,

Russ

Bloody Americans... What do they know about critiquing British copy?

Actually, Rachael gave you some good stuff if you are writing to Americans, but you did say your target is for the Brits, right?

If I were you, I would contact some British copywriters for this one.

Reason being is that there is a big difference in the way Brits speak English versus the way Americans do.

One of the big things that gives away who is and isn't a spy is not the words they use, so much. It's the way they USE those words in a conversation.

It's not just slang, or just being able to understand cultural humor.

It is the tiniest of things that are a dead give aways to either being real or an impostor.

I could give you some pointers on how I rank your page as far as looks and formatting goes, but you didn't ask for this.

Like I said, look around the board and PM/contact some of the British/U.K. copywriters.

If it were me, I would try to contact the orange man for a couple of tips (if he's not too busy).

If nothing else, you could always go with some Aussies to help you through.

Try PMing the Cartoonman and see if he can give you a little probono help as well.

Thanks Steven. This was a squeeze page that I did for a British client. I did a good job of convincing him that Canadians aren't that far removed (I am Canadian). Perhaps I was wrong.

I will definitely take you up on your tips.

Also, any feedback on the design would be great as well.

Thanks again,

Russ

Hi Russ,

First of all No I'm not a Brit copywriter.

But I do have a few ideas for your page.

1. You have too much white space at the top of the page. Move your headline up. Then put some thought into that picture over on the left-hand side. Do you really need it? If so, make it have a meaning that it laced into your copy.

2. The first email box is below the page fold. And you are net selling the sign up. Tell then why the need to sign. What are they going to get and precisely how its going to help them after they read it.

3. Your bullets sound flat. I would try to inject a few power words to make them sing. Make them come to life so they someone reading them can't stop thinking about them.

4. The graphics in the left hand column seem to be just thrown in there.
They should also mean something rather than seem like a cheesy way to get your attention.

5. I would put a headline on the testimonial. In the testimonial it mentions a newsletter. But you are giving away a free ebook. This is conflicting.

6. Try making the headline Red

7. After the email capture box, explain exactly what is going to happen as soon as they submit their information. ie. you will get a confirm email so please white list us, or you will instantly be redirected to the download page, etc,

8. One last thing you can test is the background color of the testimonial and email boxes.


That should help you Russ.


Go make more sales,

Shaun Thresher

Hey Shaun,

thanks so much..I will put some of your suggestions to work.

Russ

Two things here; is there a difference between UK English vs USA?

Back to that in a sec.

First the copy. Frankly, it's aweful, let me explain.

Why is it so many rookie copywriters fall into the same old formats? For example lets take a look at that in the page above headline.

It begins "Finally"

• What does this word mean in the context of the actual product/service being sold?
• Has any thought gone into it?
• Have people been waiting years for this and FINALLY... this young Brit has produced the missing link in gambling?

or...

Has the word finally been used simply because ... "aren't we supposed to use words like FINALLY in pre-heads?"

This type of writing is devoid of target research and in my orange-a tisical master-wordsmith opinion fails at every level when it comes to getting a result!

The copy generally is poor, I would kick any of my own padawans arse if they produced anything close to it! In fact NONE of my guys would prosuce for fear of having their arse kicked!

So I won't be forced to say ... great attempt, I will simply say... research and totally re-write when ready!

Formatting is bad. Table width looks around 400 pixels, way to narrow!

ENGLISH: USA vs UK

This is another story but YES the difference is huge. I write for both markets. I write for the biggest direct mailers in the UK and for some of the biggest marketers in the USA so what is the difference?

One word...

Subtle

It really is extremely subtle. One tiny example can be ...

The UK market is hugely cynical of EVERYTHING. The proof would usually be above the fold or very early on. In the USA market although still an issue it could come in later in the copy.

Of course this isnt a rule, that's why it is so subtle.

Hope this helps.

Love Peace and Bananas

Alan

x x x x x