OK, well my marriage isn't really in jeopary.

But if my wife hears me complain that my copy isn't working any longer, she just might shoot me.

I am just dumbstruck to understand why so many people who come to my site are turning away without purchasing. I've made so many modifications to my copy that I'm afraid I've removed the parts that really sold people.

My home page is: http://www.TheOxfordProgram.com
My main program details page is: http://www.TheOxfordProgram.com/overview.asp

Most visitors arrive after searching using phrases like "career counseling", "career testing", "career change".

I don't know if they're leaving because:
1) They don't think the product is for them (I don't think so)
2) They can't find the cost
3) It doesn't look reputable
4) The navigation stinks
5) Too much copy
6) Important questions unanswered
7) Pages take too long to download
Else??

Any constructive criticism you can give me? I think I suffer from being too close to the trees to see the forest.

Thanks in advance for any advice!

~Steve

"Here are the bottom line answers so you'll have exactly what you want from your career..."

The bit up in the orange, "More than..." is confusing to me and leads to questions.

"Bored? Frustrated? Confused?" [Asking without any rapport established leaves me feeling defensive.]

"Let me lead you through the Oxford Program" [-- Who the heck are you to lead me anywhere?]

Unlimited Career Counseling [I don't want counseling from someone who hasn't established themselves in their copy.]

8-domain Career Testing [I don't know what that means, how would this be of any benefit to me? Do I even want to take teste? No, "Our advanced... will uncover... for you".]

6-Phase Process [How would this be of any benefit to me? Sounds medical.]

Network of Members [How would this be of any benefit to me?]

Unparalleled Career Information [How would this be of any benefit to me? -- You'll know the hottest, inside track, career expanding information...]

Job Hunting Assistance [Restated more positively -- We'll stand by you and work with you every step of the way as you locate and get the job that's right for you.]
Career Recommendations [We'll identify with you, exactly what direction would make you happiest and the most satisfied]

If you look at it from the perspective of selling a product, your headline and lead is too cold. If you drive an old beater of a car and my ad read: "Frustrated with that junk you're driving?" [Defensive, right?] "I'll get you into the car of your dreams, today" [No credibility - how would you know what my dream car looks like? Who are you to be making me promises without so much as an introduction?] What happens when I promise you that I've either got the dream car you want sitting on my lot now or can locate it within 24 hours at 25% less than anyone else or I'll pay you $100.00, but you have to be one of the first 100 to call or no deal?

Turn your stated features into benefits and tell me how my life will change for the better, before and after. Don't tell me anything that even implies work on my part. If I'm paying you money, I want it done for me -- what will you deliver to me and for me and will there be chocolate included?

I hope this helps you.


Peter Stone

Thanks Peter. Great thoughts!

~Steve

Hi Steve,

I didn't really understand the proposition, and you're using some esoterical jargon and phrases - I wasn't sure if I was supposed to know what they meant.

I think more explanation is required. I agree with Peter that you haven't really built rapport. I also didn't really like the bulleted list straight away - for one thing, you haven't given yourself a chance to engage the reader and point out the problem. Secondly, I didn't understand what "8-domain Career Testing" and "6-Phase Process" were, so this didn't really help me understand what this was all about. This technical sounding language, plus the name "the Oxford Program" made me feel it was all a bit scientific - something to do with Oxford University? What does this have to do with me? Nothing ... CLICK.

The other thing to ask is what pages are people entering and exiting at. If there is a pattern, then you'll know that it's the copy on that page that's to blame.

Here is the site of someone offering a similarish-service - you might find some ideas/inspiration here:
http://www.newjobcoach.com/

I could probably have used your service a couple of years ago because I paid £35 (about $56) to attend 2 sessions with a career counsellor and all I learned was that I have an advisory style (can't remember what the other styles were), and that I could do any number of 1,000s of jobs - no change from the session I had when I was 16 then!

Good luck,
Jane

Steve,

Just a quick glance. A couple of things hit me right off the bat..

The headline really doesn't hit the hot buttons of why someone wants to
leave their career. Yeah I'm bored so what. Give me a solution to my
problem in your headline. It just isn't compelling enough...

At this point I don't know what the Oxford program is, so I would get rid of the "let me lead you through graphic and replace with some benefit
driven sub headlines.

Also, your name with the alphabet soup behind it doesn't mean a thing to
me. I don't know what those letters mean... I would replace with a pic
of yourself with a caption underneath that says" I helped 100's get the career of their dreams and I can show you too" or something to that effect.

Next, you have the checked off section. They seem to be features of the program not benefits.

Also, something minor , I noticed a misspelling of a word in the check the
box section, might should have been night. This could turn off some people.

John Kiel

You're welcome, Steve.

Correction:

Job Hunting Assistance [Restated more positively -- We'll stand by you and work with you every step of the way as you locate and get the job that's right for you.]

Should read:

[We'll find the job that's right for you].


Peter Stone

Great thoughts. Thanks!

I had another look and here are some additional comments.

I would headline your landing page with something such as:

"Get More Companies To Give You Better Offers, In Any Economy -- Even If You're Unemployed"

Your bullet points will serve you better if you express them in imperatives and active verbs. Some of them are. "Get this, know that, have more, here is, now, strip away, see... all results oriented as to how the buyer's life will be improved after doing business with you.

You emphasize tests. I take it you're trying to appear scientific. My thought is that instead of talking about your process and proceedure, you would be more effective talking about results your readers will receive. The benefits. How will their life be improved after letting you do your thing? (People want whatever you promise to be delivered with absolutely no work on their part). I don't mean you should be dishonest, just don't try to sell with the idea that someone has to take a test.

Testimonials offer some of the most powerfull social proof that exists. "Here's how my life is better" should appear right up front. The one on your landing page from Bruce Taylor is vague. That's ok, but if you have several specific testimonials, I suggest you use those.

I would remove the pictures unless they are actual photos of the person giving the testimonial that appears. Stock photos engage a thinking process trying to figure out if the photos are real, the decision that they're not real and if that makes a comment on the validity of the testimonial or not.

It appears to me that what is sitting at the core is the thought that your audience will not respond to a salesey web site. Additionally, that they will respond if you impress upon them that your methods are scientific. Well, we know what's not working, right?

It really doesn't matter the income or status of your audience. People are people when it comes to the buying process with little exception. You can still use a copy strategy that sells you as the dignified service if you're certain that dignity is what people want from doing business with you. Personally, I would think that they want more offers at higher rates of pay and a better environment to work in over dignity. Their problem isn't that they don't have enough science or tests in their lives. Their problem is that they don't like their job for xyz reason. Offer to fix the reason, no == honestly promise to fix the reason and you'll find yourself a client. Explain it in exciting language that appeals to emotions over cognition and you'll have a winner if there's a market for what you offer. (Statistics suggest that there is such a market).

That's all for now.

Peter Stone

Hi Peter,

Thanks again for your great comments.

I've tried to incorporate some of your (and others') thoughts in a home page revision (http://www.theoxfordprogram.com

I think there is a slightly better rate of people clicking through to the inner pages -- hope it keeps up.

~Steve

Hi Steve.

I apologize for the line "I take it you're trying to appear scientific". I meant something, more accurately stated, such as: It seems you're trying to sell on that strength. I'm sure your methods are, in fact scientific.

I take it you like a softer headline. I'm confident it won't sell as much in volume, but perhaps your priorities are other than sheer volume.

One of the difficulties I sometimes encounter in sales is that even though people might believe in the product or service, they may have trouble believing in themselves.

Some people might believe that a weight loss product works splendidly for the people they see in the photos, the people who wrote the testimonials, and everyone else, but themselves.

That might or might not be the case with your current headline. I percieve it as quite a leap for the average, or even above average, Joe or Jill.

"Imagine what it would be like to learn how you are astonishingly talented"

I'm not fond of the word "astonishingly" in a headline, but I suspect that you are, so I'll work with it. "Imagine what it would be like to be a millionaire" is too big of a leap, too. "Imagine what it would be like to have so much money that you didn't have to work any more than you have to" is more within the reach of the imagination of many people, I think. So, maybe: "Imagine what it would be like to be astonishingly talented" might make the leap a bit less than vast. I detect some sensitivity from you in phrasing it that way, but I have a hard time believing the premise that 'I'm astonishingly talented and just need to notice it', from a cold start. I might believe it if I work on it and working on it is a distraction. "Imagine what it would be like if your innate talents were perfectly matched to your next career choice ".

Line 2. I don't think people want to be shown how to do something so much as they want things done for them, BUT I'll work with it. If you modify it just slightly, I think you can take the edge off it by saying: "Let us show you how to discover the true nature of your talents and how they can propel you forward to astounding heights in your new career"

"Imagine what it would be like if your innate talents, were perfectly matched to your very next job in your career --
Let us show you how to discover the true nature of your talents and how they can powerfully propel you forward to astounding heights in your new career..."

Ok, ok. How about something more conservative such as: "Imagine what it woud be like if your innate talents were perfectly matched to your next career choice -- Let us show you how to discover the true nature of your talents and how they can propel you forward in your next career"

Using upper case on the first letter of each word in your headline will likely increase response as well as using quotation marks -- no matter the audience.

My thinking remains that what people want most are more offers from better companies for more money in less time with no effort expended. My guess is that you're on a mission and I respect you for that.

Give it a test is all I can say.


Peter