I have 2 salesletters written.

One is written by a copywriter:
Birthday Party Secrets Revealed

One is written by me using Brett McFall's "BURPIES" method:
Birthday Party Secrets Revealed!

I did a split-test using PPC and received 137 unique visits, but zero sales.

I think the salesletter has some issues. I require your help.

Let me know:
1) Which saleletter reads better for you.
2) What should I do to improve the better salesletter copy?

Hey bro,

before a critique I think you should have a bit
of patience. You will need about 1000 visitors
to really have a good idea. 500 very bare minimum.

It may not even be the copy either. You may be just
bidding on non-converting words.

Obviously you are anxious to get a sale, but trying
to change the copy this early in the game seems a
bit pointless to me.

Hi Jason,

Great to see you here!

Well, I always think that is a good salesletter converts at 2%-3%, then if I send 100 visitors, I should get 2-3 sales.

Maybe you are right. I need more visitors before I decide.

Right now, can anyone give me a comment how I can improve on my salesletter?

Hi Nkthen,

Just took a quick look at your site. I think your headline is too long. Here's one I came up with that may work for you:

Give Your Child The Perfect Birthday Party ... Guaranteed!

Also, your subhead doesn't really do it for me. Here's one I came up with (from your body copy)

Step-by-step E-book explains exactly what you need to ensure your child's birthday party success!

Hope this helps.

-- Rachel

P.S. I would also change the font to Arial ... at least the headline and subhead. It makes for easier reading.

Yeah but the sales won't come in such an evenly-spaced sequence. You might get 294 visitors then 6 sales in a row and you're still converting at 2%

Hi nkthen -

I agree with Jason that it may be too early to determine if the copy is the problem. That being said, I would choose a different angle. Parents want the best party for their kids because they want THEM AND THEIR FRIENDS to have the best time. The first concern may not be how easy it is to plan - know what I mean? I would bullet point some of the great ideas early on and push them with what a child's reaction might be.

Good luck.

Thanks for your feedback. I'll come back with the report after a number of visitors.

At least you are testing, which puts you 90% ahead of the pack!

Your bullets on the second page need formatting.

Here's a headline:

Subhead: Even if you've got only a few days left until the big day...

Here's How To Throw a Birtday Parties Your Child (And His or Her Friends!) Will be Raving About For Weeks

Discover over 30 fresh birthday party ideas the kids will love (and will never have experienced before), guaranteed to make your child's party the talk of the town, make you the envy of parents and give a room full of kids the time of their lives.

(They won't be able to wait for next year... but you already know what to do next. Here's how...)

Dear friend,

...

I'd try the social angle. Mothers want to feel like they're in control, smart time managers and reap the praise from other parents. Make them feel smart about getting such a guide, and sell them on why these are the best, most original ideas and why they're unique.

But, it must be real. Less sales-y and more close to the experience a mother (or father) is having trying to organize a party. I'd focus mostly on the mother's point of view without mentioning it (i.e. don't adress a female or mother character)

good luck.

P.s. When I say real, I mean the story of the sales letter should be real. Ideal would be the impression of a collection of parties hardly anyone is throwing but that are original and fun. The kinda stuff that makes others go: How do they do it? A good reason-why as to how you obtained these ideas would be great.