I am composing an email to send to prospects and I'd like to get feedback on whether the angle is good --or not the right approach. And if it's ok...any suggestions on what to tweak to make it better.

I may lack focus on who the target audience is though. For instance, does this speak effectively to larger companies who habitually invest in their marketing needs?

*************
Subject Field: Can a Professional Copywriter Bring Value to Your Business?

Dear _____

When I approach prospects like you, I find that roughly 60% hire a
professional copywriter at some point to write their marketing
material--and 40% never do.

Those who never use a copywriter give the following reasons:

-no marketing budget

-they don't think marketing collateral affects their sales

-the owner is in love with his own writing


Prospects who make marketing a priority, on the other hand, request
that I check in often. And sooner or later, they use my services.

Why?


They see their business growing. They know their marketing needs to
pick up the pace. They understand the value of a persuasive sales
letter, a well-timed press release, catalog copy with just the right amount
of detail, and website writing that converts traffic into sales.

What percentile do you fall into? The serious 60% determined to see
their business grow? Or the 40% satisfied with the way things are now?

I have contacted you because businesses in the ___sector is an area of
personal interest. I am a member of your target audience. I have a lot
of enthusiasm for your kind of product.

I believe that my enthusiasm and writing skill could prove to be an
asset to your business.

If you have a need for professional copywriting--either today or in
the future--please let me know. I would like to stay in touch.


Best regards

Suzanne Ryan
Prolific Pro Creative Copywriting
XXXXXXX

Suzanne,

I would definitely change the subject line from a question to a statement. As it is, it sounds like you're not sure of yourself. They might answer the question "no" in their heads and delete the email without reading it.

Ken

Suzanne, Ken's right.

In fact, I'd make the subject line a bit more eyecatching and dramatic. I would go with something like this:

How to Add More Value to Your Business...In No Time Flat!

See how much more dramatic, compelling and confident that headline is, compared to your original headline?

In addition, the entire e-mail lacks "Pop."

Suzanne, I'm saying this as gently as I can, and I mean no disrespect.

But quite frankly, the e-mail is boring.

Your opening paragraph needs to be stronger, and more compelling. Tie it directly to the above headline and work from there.

Remember, you only have a few precious seconds to effectively make your point, before the reader hits the delete button.

It's important to make every word count!

Dale King

Suzanne,

Forget about the words for a minute...

Your original subject line makes it clear that you are marketing to people who might not already view copywriting as a smart marketing investment.

Why not spend your time talking ONLY to those prospects that already understand just how valuable killer copy really is?

There are thousands of possible clients on that list. Businesses who already spend tens of thousands (and more) of dollars on copywriting every year.

That way, you skip right over the, "Here's why you need copywriting. Here's what it can do for your business." discussion.

And you can jump right to building YOUR value. You can spend time answering questions like, "Here's why you should hire Suzanne and not any other copywriter."

You've got the gold. Why not spend your time talking only to folks who already understand the value of gold?

Aim higher... much higher.

Good luck...

Thanks Ken, Dale, and Jleister

Point taken and I agree with all the feedback you've all given.

Dale, I agree that it is boring. In fact, it bored me so much I pushed it aside for 10 days and was too lethargic to do anything but present it here for critique.

I think Jleister touched upon a huge part of my problem: who the hell do I want my audience to be?

ok....back to the drawing board.

I have to take the opportunity to say that I am so thrilled I found this forum! The feedback and support is pretty amazing.

One more thing: Dale I really like your headline/subject line.

But I wonder if it is too general a promise (no mention of copywriting) and might be construed as spam.

Have you successfully marketed yourself to prospects via email without mentioning copywriting--or something that alludes to creative copy-- in the subject line?

this is interesting

In sales, when selling there is a technique of getting the client in 'yes mode' so when you ask if they want to buy they say yes becuase they've been saying it for 10 minutes already!
ie, this 'yes mode' routine would begin:

Q: your name is........
A: YES


etc and so on.

So when bulletting reasons for why someone should do something which leads to them wanting your product, they should all be phrased so as to generate a YES response.

ie; Do you want your business to grow
Do you lose clients due to poor marketing/follow up

etc.

Meanwhile, I liked the letter content a lot. The promise sounds honest and achievable.

I disdagree with this.

Of all the items I have viewed on this board so far for critique, I read this word for word from start to finish. Something I have not done with any others.

It sounds honest and genuine and realistic.

Too 'poppy' and I'm reaching for my bucket.

Yes, I've marketed myself successfully via e-mail many times, using just that sort of headline.

Even though I wrote it quickly, that headline is very strong and and will work just fine, if you are targeting Internet marketers, which is who I target.

You have to remember, marketing is a game - a number's game.

The object of the game is to make the numbers work in your favor.

To use a baseball analogy, it's not necessary to hit the ball out of the park, each and every time.

Sometimes all you want to do is get on base.

Because once you're on base, anything can happen.

Just keep working the numbers in your favor, and you'll get your share of homeruns.

I'm confused about your spam question, however.

What exactly kind of list are you using?

Why would that subject line be considered spam?

Dale King

Creative Fossil---thanks! I am pleasantly surprised to hear that because I wasn't terribly thrilled or excited by it. I thought I sounded dispassionate.



So...what do you guys and gals think of this header in the subject field (Fossil is now probably going to reach for her bucket ...lol)

Copywriting that Sends You to the Finish Line--Leaving Your Competitors At the Starting Gate

(15 words...uh oh!) I'm not thrilled with the second half...maybe too clunky.