I read the first line..

If you are a newbie or serious Internet Marketer, this Loaded Package is a No-Brainer...

And I already know you havent targeted your market effectivly. I know you would like to believe that anyone who is involved in internet marketing is a potential customer but...

think again.

Okay, your best shot is someone who is not a total noob at internet marketing. Actually I can give you a laser targeted idea of exactly who your prospects may be...

#1 They know about internet marketing

#2 They are trying to create their own product

#3 They are not SEO savy but they want to be

#4 This is their first or second product launch

#5 They have read about niches and want to get into one

#6 They dont know which niche to pick or how to effectivly market that niche

#7 They may be on a shoe string budget ($0-$200), so if you told them this would save them advertising costs... by golly they would just love you. (Push the SEO)

Now, thats fairly targeted, I could do more but you need to learn to target your customers. When your prospects are reading your copy, they should feel as though you are talking about them, in their exact situation and may even be freaked out at your ability to almost read their minds.

Thats how targetted you should be. I want you to repeat this to yourself over and over again.. If you try to be something to everyone, you will be nothing to no one.

Now, you also have run on sentences to the extreme. Makes it very easy for someone to click the back button... keep the sentences short and to the point.

There are other things but lets start with that and see how you do.

Thanks Maximus

you are spot on

this is my first copy so I am learning

I will learn to target the market correctly which is the first step in the process

Thanks

Best regards

Ron

Am I right in assuming you replaced the true company name with 'Ultra Bum' to protect identity?

I think you need to elaborate more on what's being offered and how that benefits them before you introduce the product.

You talk about guides, mind maps, keyword niche reports, and the like. I would suggest you try addressing why they need this stuff and what it will do for them, as well as why you are the best choice to give it to them.

And the sales copy is way too short for this type of product. You need to elaborate on lots of things, including your guarantee (what are the terms for zero risk 100% - how long do they have to try it out?), call to action (there really isn't one in its present state), proof and credibility (you need more...don't make them click for more testimonials unless you have enough in your copy already...you don't--and the additional "proof" I had to click on resulted in an internal server error).

I'll be frank. There are a lot of things you need to do. Your P.S.'s are weak. The headline could be better. The bonuses need elaboration.

If I were in your shoes, I'd hire a copywriter. If you can't do that right now, I'd start over and consider writing your story about how you came up with this product. A sort of "before" and "after" story might work.

An apples to oranges comparison before you reveal the price might help. You really need lots more persuasion in your letter.

Hope that helps...John

Was this a wso?

I thought Bum Marketing was the term used for lazy affiliate marketing.

Shouldn't you be targeting affiliate marketers?